What's interesting is that I'm the one who wants to get more involved emotionally and wants to have more regular contact. She's the "rock" in our relationship and always manages to (forcefully at times) keep everything at arm's length when we're apart. I've always believed that she'll be the one to leave me some day. When that happens, I'll be heartbroken, but I think she'll do okay. I'm fine with that. I've handled heartbreak before and I've survived. I can't imagine having her heart broken. That would absolutely devastate me.

You might want to think about whether or not you would be able to accept the devastation that would occur in your family if your wife found out. You may think you can get away with this forever, but very few people do. As others have said, your wife probably knows something is not right, and realizing what the issue is is probably just a matter of time. The chance that your wife will find out is also heightened in that the GF knows her. Is losing your family, not only your wife, but the respect of your daughters worth continuing? Do you want your daughters to learn that if their dad could not be trusted, no man can be trusted? Do you really want to break your wife's heart and make her feel like a fool for living a lie? IMHO, this is the road that you are on. You choose.

^ That's a very solid, accurate and realistic point of view. As a BS Sarah, if you don't mind my asking, is it more painful to know it went on longer? Meaning if your H had a slip-up that lasted a few months would it be less painful than knowing he carried on an A for 10 years?

It seems like the answer to that is obvious. But it's hard to know what you haven't felt.. and this is all very worth considering in your plight, Roy. It's not like "well I've already done the damage so why stop?" The sooner you stop, the less potential damage..

I completely agree with Sarah. In my case, my relationship of 5 years ended after an A that emotionally went on for a couple of months, and physically for just two days; some of you (who have been in relationships that have lasted for far longer than mine) managed to keep your relationships after As that lasted longer. But I see your point P&D, the longer is definitely NOT the better, and even very short As can be devastating (sometimes beyond repair) for the other person. Risking that is just so not worth it.

Roy, you also say that she is the one who stops you from having more regular contact and from being more involved emotionally - what if that were to change? What if she would want more? Do you realise the risky and fragile position you're in? And how the time and energy you spend in this (even if just thinking about it) is taken off your M? I know that all this is *VERY* hard to see, for as long as your M has not yet suffered because of your A. The question that many people seem to encourage you to ponder is: for how long can that last?

P&D to answer your question, I believe that a short affair has the potential to be much less damaging than a long affair, though even as Semiotica said, even a very brief affair can devastate beyond repair. The thing is, if an affair is ended after a shorter time, it is often because the CS comes to his or her senses and has a lot of regret. The longer an affair goes on, the more difficult it is for the one who was cheated on to believe any expressed remorse or regret. And the longer an affair goes on, the more likely it is that the BS will find out. Also, if an affair is discovered by the BS instead of being confessed to, the BS will have a lot more trouble with trusting in the future.

I am all for confession of the affair to the BS. IMHO, it is only fair for the BS to have the opportunity to decide whether the relationship is worth repairing or not (not to mention being checked for STDs). It is the responsibility of the CS to do everything possible to save the marriage if that is what they want to do--and that requires monumental fortitude, and giving nothing but kindness and understanding to the BS, complete transparency, answering questions over and over and over and patiently tolerating being beat up a bit emotionally by the BS, as the BS goes through stages of justified anger and hurt. The CS needs to do whatever it takes to save the marriage, if that is what they want. Also, strange as it may seem to some, if a CS does not confess the affair, there is still the risk that later on, the BS will find out that the affair happened (especially in this case where the OW and BS know each other), and that discovery holds great potential for destroying the relationship.

Roy, you are in a very risky place. The OW holds the power to totally destroy your family. You may think that she would never do anything hurtful, but what if she ends up not getting what she wants from you? I was on the receiving end of wrath of the OW in my case--she became unreasonably angry because of something as simple as my boyfriend and I blocking her from our Facebook pages a couple of months after the affair ended. We did that because she sent him a couple of e-mails indicating that she had been stalking me on Facebook, and we decided that she really did not need to be privy to anything going on in our lives. Because we blocked her, she tried to inflict further pain on him by attempting to destroy our relationship by sending me e-mails that the two of them had exchanged.

How did our relationship survive this??? It survived because he had already told me everything, and months before she did this. Had he not, it would have definitely been a dealbreaker. I would have never been able to trust him again. As a betrayed person, BECAUSE he had told me the truth from the beginning, I was able to give him a change to repair the damage. It is over a year later now, and things are very good between us---and he often says that he learned a very valuable lesson.

I hope that you are able to make the right decision here, Roy. Continuing to cheat cheats everyone--not only you, but your wife, your daughters, and the OW. Everyone loses.

I don't know how long I see it going. When I first found this group, my first posting was about how I was having an affair and I didn't feel the need to stop as long as things were good. But I have to say that all the comments here have started to put me in two minds. On one hand I can't imagine not having this amazing woman in my life, even though I don't get to see her that often. But now I've started to mull over many of your comments and wonder if I could get myself to the place where I could be the one to end it...even if things are "good" right now. I'm beginning to think that I likely could if I put my mind to it. Get out while there's still time before the bomb goes off, right? I definitely can see where that's a valid point.

However, if I do get to where I can break it off, I would disagree with Sarah's sentiment on confessing. I've read this advice from columnists as well as on other forums, and I tend to agree...I would deserve to suffer the internal turmoil and emotional despair that would come from losing my GF. Why drag my wife in to it if she doesn't need to know? (and I've always been "safe" with the GF, so STD is not something I'm overly concerned with) Suffer for a while and work to get over it. At worse my wife will think I'm gloomy/stressed over work (which is often the case). Get past it and then focus all my energy on my family. I can almost see myself being able to do it.

^ That is really a personal call and there are definitely two schools of thought there. I've read so much on both and sit on the fence with it myself. There is something to the truth setting you free.. but it seems selfish. At the same time many BS would say that chances are you won't take it to the grave and therefore it needs to come out in the form of a confession.

I do however completely agree with and support "getting out while there's still time, before the bomb goes off"!

Roy, I guess if you are willing to take the gamble that even way down the line your W will never find out, then don't tell her. But realize that if your W does find out on her own, the damage to your marriage will likely be much more severe, and also more difficult to recover from than if you confess and deal with it now. Also, you might want to think about the fact that since your GF and W know each other and some other people in common, that also increases the likelihood that your W could eventually find out, IMHO. People talk, and especially women. Also, you do not know what your GF will do if you end the A. You have most likely been filling a void for her, much like a rebound relationship, since she lost her marriage (very common among the recently divorced), and that amps up the value of your relationship to her beyond the other positive things you both enjoy about the relationship, at least for now. Because of that, she might not realize how much it will really hurt her if you end it---and very often hurt people hurt people. My boyfriend never thought his OW would ever be as mean and full of vengeance as she did in our case after the fact. His OW was a professional person, and appeared to be intelligent and rational as well. Like your GF, his OW knew that he had me in his life, and she willingly stepped into the role as the OW, so her anger was not directed at him because he had mislead her about that. People are often not who you think they are--and my boyfriend found this out in a big way. You know what they say about a woman scorned! Your GF might not choose to directly cause trouble between you and your wife, but the probability that she will go talk to someone else about what happened is pretty high (and this could already be going on)--and one of those people just might know your W, or know someone who knows your W. I probably do not need to tell you that this is a very small world sometimes.

Again, if your W finds out on her own or though the grapevine, the price very likely might be more than you would ever want to pay. IMHO, a cheating spouse who is discovered cheating is much more likely to cheat again than one who ends the A, then comes clean, admits that it was wrong and tries to save the marriage.

A valiant "effort" to save the marriage only after discovery has taken place by the BS more likely than not will come off as being sorry that you got caught, at least on some level. When an affair ends because a CS gets caught, it will never be believed by the BS that the CS came to their senses and ended the affair because they realized they were wrong. Even if the BS finds out about the A way down the line, any attempt to save the marriage on the part of the CS will likely still be viewed with skepticism, the BS will feel very deceived, and IMHO rebuilding will be more difficult, as the BS will still feel a huge loss of trust, because they will know that over time you were not forthright with them.

The interpretation of being sorry you got caught by the BS is completely taken out of the equation if you confess and choose to rebuild. IMHO, confessing is the most sincere way to express remorse and regret. I know I would tend to trust someone who confessed much more than if I discovered the A---actually, to me discovering an A would likely be a dealbreaker. But I also know that your W is not me. Everyone is different, so you need to decide how much you think she could handle in this arena.

In my case, the fact that my boyfriend was man enough to confess the A to me (I had absolutely no idea), then turn around and do everything possible to save our relationship, totally cutting off contact with the OW, being totally transparent, being exceptionally patient and giving me nothing but love when I was angry, hurting and broken was enough to, in the end, offset the fact that the affair happened. Yes, it took time, but what I have now is a man who realizes the depth of pain that cheating inflicts, a man who is completely committed, transparent and values our relationship more than ever (in part because he realizes he almost lost me and in part because we worked through a very difficult time together and grew closer as a result). Life is about US now than it is about the A and the OW, though it did take a while.

No matter what, this is not going to be easy--but you know that! I hope that you can figure out what is best for everyone involved.

P&D - I'm one of those scary guys that can indeed keep something secret for the rest of my life without even a second thought. So I'm not too worried that I'd somehow have to confess some day.

Sarah - You bring up a good point. My GF lives in another state halfway across the country and she and my wife have zero friends in common. The one liability, however, is if her ex ever finds out about us. Since he knows me and my wife, I suspect that if her ever found out about us the first phone call or e-mail he'd be sending would be to my wife. The chances of that are slim since he also lives in a different state than my GF and is basically an absent father to their son. Given the slim risk, I still wouldn't be inclined to confess simply out of conscientious. I've been having an affair for nearly two years. I think it's already been well established that I have none. ;)

I was thinking that they knew each other distantly---reading too many posts, I guess. Sorry about that. The ex could be a problem though as could your GF if she ends up with any hard feelings. I guess you will just have to weigh the risks.

If you stop even after 2 years, it is still much better than continuing on.

Confessing should not just be out of your conscious--it should also be to better facilitate the rebuilding of the relationship--as I mentioned earlier. I hope that you figure out how to deal with this as to not hurt everybody.

Sorry, that may be my fault. They do know each other, and at one time they probably considered each other "friends." But they've never had any contact since we moved out of state. They haven't spoken in 5 years and, as far as I know, they don't even have any way to contact each other even if they wanted to. But your points are well taken.

In post #9, you said that you moved in the same social circles for a while, you and your wife and GF. To me, that might mean that the GF still is in contact with some of those friends. Could it be a possibility that the GF may talk to or be on Facebook with some of those old friends?

Also, with the Internet, it has been made very easy for a person to locate another person. All you need is their name in many cases. I bet if your wife suspected your GF, she would find the motivation to locate her by using the Internet---or vice versa.

Then, like you said, there is the ex-husband. He is also likely to attempt to stir up trouble if the son gives him any indication that you are close with his ex. I know that you said that you guys avoid physical contact in front of the boy, but one does not have to touch their SO in the presence of another person for that other person to be able to recognize or suspect that there is a connection there. I don't know how old the son is, this might not be an issue, but then again it might.

All of this makes me believe that you are in a very precarious position to be able to keep the A from your wife forever. I certainly would not take the risk.

Sometimes when you are in the affair, it is hard to think of the consequences, but if you think about everything you would lose if the affair is discovered, that could give you a perspective on ending the affair. It's hard, I was there too, I ended the affair but guilt took over my life and I confessed.

I am on the verge of your exact scenario! I love my wife and have a great marriage. Wonderful home life and all. Yet I have feelings for an intelligent woman l, in another state, who knows I won't be leaving my wife.....and she is fine with that. I have often wondered what the end game would be as well.

As others have said in your original post, resist the urge if at all possible. Stay in contact by text/e-mail if you want. I know some will disagree with me, but an emotional affair that never crosses the line isn't even in the same ballpark as a real one. You get some emotional/ego validation and nobody gets hurt. My AP and I have been together for a long time now, and I'm still struggling to figure out how to end it. I am so madly and deeply in love with her, and yet I know I can never be with her. It causes such inner turmoil sometimes that it brings me to tears. Trust me, you don't want that if you can avoid it.