Cheaters Anonymous Community Group
This is a support group for cheating spouses looking for understanding and strength. Betrayed spouses are welcome to post ONLY if they can do so in a supportive manner (no bashing...these posts will be deleted), and please do not comment on 'Cheaters Only' posts.
I think my story is typical in some aspects but is also different than many of the stories I've read on other boards. What stands out different for me is that I have no marital difficulties to speak of. My wife and I have had a loving marriage for almost 10 years. Our sex life is great and we have three beautiful daughters. She's just as beautiful as the day I met her. I don't resent her or hate her for any reason. I love her very deeply and would be devastated if she found out about my "other" life and left me. I'd especially be despondent if I lost my daughters (who would probably grow up hating me). So much of my time is spent soul searching and asking myself why I do it when I have such a perfect family and loving wife? Why risk it all?
My affair started rather innocuously with a long time female friend who I used to work with years ago. I had since moved out of state, but we kept in friendly contact over the past few years by Facebook. One night her husband beat her up in front of their young son. She immediately packed up and left him and filed for divorce. So we started bonding over her experience with me giving her advice where I could and encouraging her to be strong, providing emotional support, etc. This went on for a few months until one business trip took me through her city and we agreed to meet for dinner. A bottle of wine ended up leading me to where I am today...over a year later. I find myself deeply in love with her but I have no intention or desire to leave my wife. I made that very clear up front and she was fine with it. I asked her once how she could be so "fine" with it and she said rather matter of factly, "with you I get to have occasional companionship and intimacy and yet I can also have my freedom. It's perfect for me." (her ex was terribly controlling) So even though I want to eventually figure out a way to "stop," I guess I have no incentive to because it feels like I have the perfect situation. My married life is great, I have a girlfriend in another state that I get to spend about 4-5 days with every 1-2 months, the girlfriend isn't even demanding that I leave my wife, and she's also fine with the limited amount of time I can spend with her. Sometimes she'll also travel with me on my business trips and we've even managed a couple of weekend vacation getaways with just the two of us. Once we part we're back to our separate lives and have little contact in between until the next opportunity we have to be together. I ask myself, "what sane man would give this up willingly?"
Throughout my soul searching (and even in talking with a counselor), I've arrived at a couple likely culprits that have caused me to do this. First, before the kids arrived, I was an adrenaline junky that was in to all manner of thrill sports. Skydiving, mountain climbing, rock climbing, you name it I probably did it. But when the kids came, all that came to a halt. Having an affair was one outlet for me to experience a different sort of "thrill." The second reason is likely my childhood. For various reasons I grew up with significant self esteem issues and even as an adult I was always looking for validation from others. The fact that this gorgeous single woman wanted to jump in to bed with me, despite knowing I was married and would never leave my wife, was and is an incredible ego boost. The falling in love part wasn't part of the plan, but we don't always get to choose how our emotions work.
So where's the endgame? I'd like us to be together for a long time, but I know that's not realistic. What is most likely to happen is that eventually she's going to meet a nice young man who is going to be able to provide the emotional connection on a more continual basis than I can and will be able to provide the financial stability that she and her son need. When that happens, I've told her, you need to be able to let me go and I'll wish you well. I'd be torn up inside for a long while, but I'm smart enough and I love her enough to know it would be much better than what she has in our relationship. My wife finding out is another way it comes to an end, but that's not likely to happen since she's in another state and we only see each other during business travel.
My affair started rather innocuously with a long time female friend who I used to work with years ago. I had since moved out of state, but we kept in friendly contact over the past few years by Facebook. One night her husband beat her up in front of their young son. She immediately packed up and left him and filed for divorce. So we started bonding over her experience with me giving her advice where I could and encouraging her to be strong, providing emotional support, etc. This went on for a few months until one business trip took me through her city and we agreed to meet for dinner. A bottle of wine ended up leading me to where I am today...over a year later. I find myself deeply in love with her but I have no intention or desire to leave my wife. I made that very clear up front and she was fine with it. I asked her once how she could be so "fine" with it and she said rather matter of factly, "with you I get to have occasional companionship and intimacy and yet I can also have my freedom. It's perfect for me." (her ex was terribly controlling) So even though I want to eventually figure out a way to "stop," I guess I have no incentive to because it feels like I have the perfect situation. My married life is great, I have a girlfriend in another state that I get to spend about 4-5 days with every 1-2 months, the girlfriend isn't even demanding that I leave my wife, and she's also fine with the limited amount of time I can spend with her. Sometimes she'll also travel with me on my business trips and we've even managed a couple of weekend vacation getaways with just the two of us. Once we part we're back to our separate lives and have little contact in between until the next opportunity we have to be together. I ask myself, "what sane man would give this up willingly?"
Throughout my soul searching (and even in talking with a counselor), I've arrived at a couple likely culprits that have caused me to do this. First, before the kids arrived, I was an adrenaline junky that was in to all manner of thrill sports. Skydiving, mountain climbing, rock climbing, you name it I probably did it. But when the kids came, all that came to a halt. Having an affair was one outlet for me to experience a different sort of "thrill." The second reason is likely my childhood. For various reasons I grew up with significant self esteem issues and even as an adult I was always looking for validation from others. The fact that this gorgeous single woman wanted to jump in to bed with me, despite knowing I was married and would never leave my wife, was and is an incredible ego boost. The falling in love part wasn't part of the plan, but we don't always get to choose how our emotions work.
So where's the endgame? I'd like us to be together for a long time, but I know that's not realistic. What is most likely to happen is that eventually she's going to meet a nice young man who is going to be able to provide the emotional connection on a more continual basis than I can and will be able to provide the financial stability that she and her son need. When that happens, I've told her, you need to be able to let me go and I'll wish you well. I'd be torn up inside for a long while, but I'm smart enough and I love her enough to know it would be much better than what she has in our relationship. My wife finding out is another way it comes to an end, but that's not likely to happen since she's in another state and we only see each other during business travel.
I agree with timothyfreemar that your wife probably knows that something isn't right - I knew when I was married something was wrong with my husband. Maybe she is one of those wives that lets it slide because she doesn't want to change her lifestyle. Maybe she is in love with you and has the ability to overlook it. IDK. But women have intuition for a reason - sometimes they listen to their gut, sometimes they don't.
LAC2 - You're right, with some people you'll have to be the one to pull the plug because they'll never quite get to the point where they can do it themselves. This is the way I am. My brain tells me I have the "perfect" situation right now. My GF is constantly being asked out on dates and her girlfriends are always trying to set her up. So far she keeps turning them down, telling me, "I'm not ready to date yet." She was in an abusive marriage for 10 years, and I think it's going to be a while yet before she's ready to trust a man again. She considers me "safe" because she's known me for a long time as a friend. That's my analysis anyway. But eventually she's going to have to move on with her life. She's comfortable with our arrangement right now, but I don't want her to get 5 years down the road and suddenly have the epiphany, "I just wasted 5 years of my life for a guy who's never going to be here for me."
But H doesn't want to know - he straight up told me that. He could tell (or can tell) by the severe depression I have that it's over and that's all he needs to know. He just wants the next chapter began without all the pain of closing out this one.
In some ways, telling your H or W allows you to share the burden.. I think choking on the secret is definitely worse.
ExOM's W - same thing. Here is a stand-up guy who, on Facebook, is the perfect family man in every way. Suddenly he's sneaking outside to use the phone, running off for long weekends away (and coming back with the same obviously emotional tattoo).. yet as far as I know she has no clue, to this day. Never once suspected - even when he looked her in the eye and told her he was leaving her (he didn't end up doing that, which is what I'm doing here!).
Good luck. You're in very supportive company. I really wish you well on your personal exploration journey.. it's not easy and it's not quick. But hopefully it will be worth it! :)
Perhaps this is something worth exploring as a reason for the behavior. We all have attention needs, right?
I think the biggest reason for my behavior is the old standby...the thrill. Forbidden sex is the best kind of sex, right? That was how it was in the beginning anyway. After a year of doing this, however, the emotions inevitably creep in and now I go to see her because I love her and I love spending time with her. The nice thing about having her in another state is we don't have to "hide" anything when we're out together. We walk around holding hands, dinners in a crowded restaurant, kissing while sitting on a park bench...we do all of that and don't have to worry about somebody seeing or watching us. For me the one bad thing is that she has to be a secret in my "real" life. I'll want to tell somebody about her, or show a friend a really cute picture of us together, and I realize I can't. That's when it hits me. I love this girl so much and I'll never be able to tell a single soul about her. That part definitely sucks.
Your OM is smart to keep the distance, and let me tell you, you can probably drag this out for the rest of your lives at this pace.. or at least until she finds another relationship with an available partner.
I guess that's where you have a decision to make. CAN you do this for the rest of your life? Can she? Are you just biding time until she finds someone? How will you react when she does? Does she stay completely away from your M?
A couple weeks ago we were having this very conversation about how long this goes on. She knows she eventually has to get back out "there." If not for herself, then for her son. He's a good kid but he needs a positive male influence in his life. (As far as he's concerned, I'm mom's work friend. We have a strict "no touching" policy whenever I'm around him) But it was actually a very funny conversation. She lamented the fact that she was single and that if we'd hooked up while she was married (hopefully to a nicer guy) that we could be one of the those affairs that lasts for decades. I told her to hurry up and get re-married so I wouldn't have to worry about losing her. :)
Her relationship to my wife is interesting. They used to sort of be friends, so she knows her well. As I said, we used to work together. GF and her ex-husband were occasional dinner guests and we moved in the same social circles during that time. They weren't best friends or anything, but GF knows my wife well enough to know that she really likes her. More than once she's admonished me about messing around on such a wonderful wife. But as far as now? They fell out of contact once I took another job and we moved out of state. GF is good, though, in encouraging me to be a "good" husband and father. Even when we're having "our" time, she'll remind me I need to call my wife or offer to go out and take a walk so I can Skype with my kids.
Moving to your W - believe me, you don't want your A ending because she finds out. Once she does (and an intuition is not the same as fully knowing about something), there is simply no way back. Trust is broken. Your relationship as it is now will be gone. You may still be able to save parts of it, or to rebuild it into a new relationship, but that "perfect marriage" will be just dead.
All in all, from prior experience I can say it is truly not worth it. It will hurt endlessly, but there is no other option apart from ending it. The other potential option is to openly tell your W about the situation, explaining you love her and want to stay with her, but you're polyamorous and have a GF. If you think your W can accept and embrace that, then go for it; if you think that's never going to happen, you need to go through the pain of leaving your GF and fully commit yourself to your M.
I really wish you the best of luck.
But the comments above are true. These things rarely last a lifetime (some do, I suppose) and as we've said many times on here, never end well. Someone stands to get hurt. No matter how cool you keep it, someone must be suppressing a little bit emotionally to keep it as light as it is and that *will* not sustain when/if things change or somebody decides to leave the situation.
I do think you should count your blessings, thank your lucky stars and stop the A, while its still possible for everyone to live a happy life going forward. And I'm not just saying this out of complete envy (haha), it's because I know the possibilities for the end and few are managable emotionally.