People there were wondering if it really was an emotional affair you had with someone or if it was one-sided on your part by the way you described it.

No you have to know where to post. If you had read just one or two of the threads you would have realized that talking about your affair partner and how hurt you are over her, when you have a wife, would not go over well there. You would have realized that some of the people THERE are contemplating suicide over husbands/wives that they learn were having affairs. You would have read how painful it is to be married 2, 5, 10, 15, 20+ years and realized that your spouse loves another...it's just not you. Some people just found this out and the hurt, betrayal and pain is fresh. So yeah, they are not happy with you right now. I wasn't either because I really couldn't understand, try as I might, but that okay it's not for me to understand that is between you, your wife, the other girl and your kids.

Some of us venture here and we TRY not to bash people here because this is the place to post about an affair. Some can do it other fell and when they do they also are told that they don't need to post here with that type of attitude or whatever. I came here because I really, really try to understand it all and I haven't said anything out of place here (I don't think, I've really tried not to) but I try to give a point of view from a betrayed spouse.

Please be gentle with Despair.

He is new to the site.

He is suicidal, himself, grieving the loss of his AP.

Yeah I know because I just came over and read it but I say 1) Despair, you probably should not, no I know you should not, go back over there and read your thread because 2) most of the people who post there will not be coming here to know (or probably even care) about your mental state because some have been there or are where you are at now.

Personally, I get where despair is coming from. When I first joined DS....I did go to the Infidelity board. Because I was unfaithful...it fits!! No where on there does it say it is inhabited by BS's only and CS's stay away. Infidelity effects BS's as well as CS's.

When you are unfaithful and you search for it....infidelity comes up. That's what it is....you need help, you post there. Maybe you don't have time to read threads, you want help...and that's it. Maybe you don't have time to read threads and realize there may be somewhere else you are suppose to be. He did nothing wrong. Its inexcusable to make someone in despair feel like they are being tarred and feathered.

I get the hurt. We are all hurting. But we are trying to heal. I have yet to hear anyone come on DS to brag about their affair. We are all here to heal and move forward and learn from each other.

Thanks for all the comments.

My mistake was just that. A mistake. I responded to my own post once I realized there was CA. I can understand the hostility , but still , wow.

The reference to the solo issue hurt. Notwithstanding my xAP's boyfriends, what we had was different. Though it's all pretty moot. In any case , I will read over at bs, but definitely no posting.

I think we all learned the hard way and posted over there and got ripped a new a$#'&*; to say the least. I will never post there again.

So, can you please explain how your relationship was different? How did your AP reciprocate your feelings?

"The reference to the solo issue hurt" I just read that post you wrote. You know.....they were nothing short of mean and I don't think you owe anyone who can say such things to another human being any explanation for anything. I think you are here for support, for clarity, to heal. If someone is going to put you down, belittle you, or treat you sarcastically while you are searching for that, ignore them. How people treat others is a reflection on them not you.

Please continue to read and seek help. Use the journal. Make friends with those of us who can listen or help guide or have been in similar situations. I couldn't work it out on my own and about 4 weeks post affair, I sought out therapy. It has been wonderful and she has provided me such clarity.

One thing I have learned from my therapist was that clearly my affair wasn't all that I thought it was on both sides....but it mean something to ME. It WAS something to me. And, I need to work through it to be able to work through the real issues of what brought me to that point and how I can never enter into another situation like that again. I needed to learn how to heal from the experience.

I wasn't one of the ones ripping him a new one as I do see he's in a world of hurt, but I do think perspective is important here, though. If Despair decides to talk to his wife, it could make a difference in how he explains his experiences to his wife.

Shoretimenow - thanks. Yes, it meant something to me. And I know it meant something to her, though now, in retrospect, I'm not ure what. We joked that it is what it is, and we left it at that. I would like to have heard that she was as in love with me as I was with her, and at times she would say, baby steps, leaving open the possibility of something more. She knew that if my wife died - divorce was not going to happen - I would propose to her in a flash. Also, after about six months she felt we had the kind of relationship that allowed her to introduce me to her two young girls. I had already spent time with her teenage son. So not only do I miss her, I miss the kids. I'm still trying to figure out what happened. You know, I think a part of it is as I've described, that is, my jealousy over her latest beau. I think another part, unspoken, is that she didn't want to cheat on him. But as with much else, it's all moot. God, I do miss her.

You really want to have some fun? Go over to Talkaboutmarriage. The few CS's they allow to post over there start their posts with belly crawling followed by licking their shoes then moving up their H's leg to the BJ he requires every day. Even after all that, the BH's still say, well she's got a long way to go. Just make sure you're getting your quota of BJ's!
Just reading the way they talk, it's no wonder their W's screwed around on them.

I was just reading some in the infidelity group. I'm shocked at some of the advice floating around there. I guess I shouldn't be surprised by the blame game that seems to go on over there. But for the most part...aside from maybe addictive personalities (even then I'm not sure)...I generally think there is fault w both parties of the marriage.
Ok I'm new and I'm already not being very nice. I hope that wasn't too offensive.

Until you've been the one betrayed it's hard to understand the pain. Yes people can scratch and claw at cs who post there. It's deflected anger. That doesn't make it right but just as bs are expected to somehow understand why their cs cheated, the cs needs to understand just how deep and raw that open wound is.

People in pain lash out. I'll give you an analogy

Let's say there is a group of parents who lost a child to drunk drivers. They are in pain, angry and mourning their loss. In walks a drunk man with car keys in his hands wondering if anybody could direct him on how he might be able to keep his license and maybe continue driving just a little buzzed.

Now this man may feel awful that he crashed a few parked cars ands he may be an alcoholic in need of help but they isn't apparent at first sight. At that moment he represents a source of pain for those in that room.

The people over at infidelity are not evil haters. Just like those here on nor low life scum. It's 2 compete opposite ends of the story. While it doesn't clearly state cs not welcome or bs only, it's pretty clear if you read 2 or more posts what the general population is over there.

That said, I'm sorry you got smacked around over there when you yourself are in such a vulnerable state.

I would like to address something in this post. You mention that she never said I love you yet there was this idea that if your wife dies then in 6 months you could meet her kids. That statement is scary. The fact that part of your desire to be with her thoughts of how a future would look includes the death of your wife as opossed to gracefully ending a dead marriage.

I do hope you're getting some help throug ha counselor to work through all of this.

There is no excuse for anyone especially grown adults to be mean and downright nasty to another individual seeking guidance or help. Period.
Infidelity is infidelity. It effects us all.