I am with you Freedom, I would not set up a meeting. Total NC is best, a meeting might just be inflammatory and prolong everything.

Even though I am pro-gun, I agree with BigStep--I do not think a gun is what you need right now. A gun might cause you more problems than you bargained for. And hopefully you will not even have to use the mace.

On another note, if this man knows your routine, i.e. especially where you go at night or places you go where you might be alone, I would change up your routine in the interest of safety.

Sarah220 Yes, I am planning on keeping a low profile for a long time. I rarely go out alone but even changing the regular stops like grocery store etc. I plan on doing....Most times when alone would be to meet up with xAP. He consumed most of my free time in the past..I have been reconnecting with my loved ones. What time and energy I wasted on lies and deceit. He couldn't face the fact that he ended up at the bottom of list. I am angry at myself. I could have accomplished so much more had he not come in to my life. I understand why now. It took alot of reading to understand why, but bottom line is my marriage is worse than before. Without change, there will be no change...nothing but more heartache.

Good plan, keeping a low profile. I am glad that you are reconnecting with your loved ones, people who really love you. You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders, just keep doing the right thing. Time will heal the wounds, but it is a marathon, not a sprint.
As for your marriage, if you want to save it, why not suggest MC to your H? Even without knowledge of the A, he has to know that something isn't right in the marriage, since you said it is worse.

Let me clarify from my earlier post. I guess my comments suggested you be proactive and set up the meeting. That's wrong. I"m not really in favor of that. I agree with sarah2220 that you remain steadfast with the NC. But I think more to the point, IF he continues to hound you, or follow you around, then prepare yourself. I don't know how often you two would naturally cross paths, but it seems like he might do some stalking. So just be prepared if possible. If nothing else, be able to quickly turn on your phone's recorder or even video. If he blindsides you, then maybe you can just threaten with the police report and of course, have your finger on the mace trigger.

My marriage dwindled down to nothing during the "suspicion" years. I asked cs denied, I pulled away and disconnected and began living "as if" we were planning to separate. I built up my protective wall and decided that some day I will be free of his lies.

I never expected my cs to ever come clean. I had every reason to believe he cheated and lied but nothing solid to prove it. I bought time until I had the strength to leave him. A couple of months into that separation as I planned divorce, he came clean. With nothing left to lose, he fessed up, admitted to his long term A, child fromit and begged for a second chance.

Well that was 5+ years ago and we are not only together but we continue to work on our marriage all the time. We work through A triggers as well as other martial crap. We are far from perfect but ww are better for having been through the truth then we were during the lying years.

We both went through our own hell. Not every bs has the desire to try to move forward and attempt a rebuild but I just wanted to offer the concept of hope if you do decide to tell.

I don't think rebuilding is for the faint of heart. It's hell for both partners but so is living in and with lies.

At the end of the day only you can know what's best for you and your family. If you fear violence from your bs, then definitely avoid telling.

I agree with Pink--that often confession is the first step to rebuilding trust. To me, confession certainly beats discovery! The following link seems to parallel what you say. It was shared on another thread by CaliRN, and has some good advice. But like Pink said, if you fear violence from your H, that is another story completely.

http://www.lindajmacdonald.com/HOW_...

Reading all this has the potential to be a story on the next episode of Dateline with the only comic relief being JD describing wrestling mat moves.
I think you spoke to him, threatened him, got your mace, and are changing your routine and laying low.
Go with that and take one day at a time.
Don't escalate until he does and don't do anything you are not ready to and without VERY careful consideration (like telling your H), that could cause a while other set of behavior.
This could have just been a reaction to a 5+ year breakup/loss of you but once he thinks about the impact of his threats most married men wouldn't want to go 'there'.
Just my opinion.

I agree shoretimenow. Taking one day at a time. I am not feeling well these days My emotions are what's hurting the most. I experienced a bad anxiety attack at 3:30 this morning. My heart was pounding and my body was full of sweat...lasted for a good while...ex AF is keeping his word and not bothering me. But I need to work on the what ifs and let that go so I can be free.

JD, yeah my phone cost to much to be smashed. Key is to not give him opportunity to come around me. I heard from a close friend of ex AP who was present that evening of assault. He has known him since elementary. He remembers ex AP father disrespecting woman..he was also a player. He gave me some good advice from a man's perspective. He said if a man doesn't treat his wife right, why would he treat a side piece any better? That's how men think.. you can't get right from something wrong. He thought he didn't have Treat me right if he didn't feel like it..and he said..who likes to be used? Ouch. : (

I know I know, I knew all this. But it still hurt to hear truth. I used him too.

I think what happened between the two of you is one issue, but if that is let go and he stops bothering you.....you need to expect that the aftermath of ending a 5 year A is going to be hard work. And that's ok and its ok to have so many crazy feelings and anxiety.
That's what we are here for.
We get it.