BTW, once my H confessed we began rebuilding our marriage. We have a better marriage now than we did for many years before dday and even the year or 2 before he began his 3 year A. We really only had about 3-5 good years.

We are far from perfect but always trying to make it the best we can. Incase I was unclear.

JD I was waiting for your response. As a matter of fact I thought of you when I stated in my previous note "sleep with the fishes". Haha! I I am hiding my bruises from my H. We live together more so like room mates so it has been easy. I am too ashamed to be honest to my H about affair right now. D day to me would be a nightmare for my marriage and my family. Right now, I don't feel strong enough. One nightmare at a time is all can handle. You all are right, I feel he's not done with me..maybe more so that he wants me to be alright with his reaction as he stated that night.. He will try to manipulate me again, that's how he rolls. . A sociopath who loves to control. I had been the passive one, a forgiving heart all along. Now looking back, I see all the signs of a f____d up person. I have swallowed a hard pill that night and should have realized this along time ago. He doesn't respect women period. I hadn't respected myself for a long time. It was probably a joke in front of his friends. They didnt see what followed in my vehicle. Pure evil! I am ok, physically. Emotionally, not so good but holding up. Just sore, only visible bruise is on my chest, no one has asked about it! Not at home or work. Maze is a great idea, will go today during lunch to purchase. I was thinking about a gun. He has a wife. I know where he lives. I have social media...he would be stupid to expose my pics.

JD, your right on point. My self defense was pointless. Only made him angrier. I had to submit at one point so I could save my face.

Just so you all know, reading your comments is a huge help to me. I have no one to talk to about this. It's been hard enough dealing with A going on and off for a while. It's been a roller coaster ride for me. I'm so relieved that it's OVER it had been for me. You guys are making me stonger and wiser every day. Thank you!

He just called my job. He said, please forgive me. I hung up on him. Yea, definitely need to find a new job.

I threatened him by saying I am filing a police report. He said he would stay out of my life.

I hope that you are right--and I agree with JD, getting mace to use just in case he confronts you somewhere is a very good idea. A gun, not so much, unless you either really know how to use a gun or you plan to attend a gun safety/use course. You can end up getting shot with your own gun or have it taken away from you if you do not have a lot of confidence and knowledge about using a gun.

My sister had an ex-H who continually threatened our family a few years back (and my sister had one incident of him actually coming after her with a shotgun), and that, along with living alone in a big city at the time, prompted me to get a gun. I carried it (concealed) only when I was going to be in the presence of my ex-brother-in law, as I was the one who transferred my sisters kids to him for visits because he had less animosity towards me than he did the rest of the family. Thankfully all the transfers went without incident. Other than that, I have kept the gun hidden in my house. It is very important to go out and shoot a gun periodically just to stay in practice and remain familiar with it, well after taking the gun class. You can also get in a lot of trouble if you use a gun or even threaten someone with a gun. Not so with mace.

How would you arrange to do all this gun stuff without your H knowing about it? A good gun is not cheap, either, and you do not want to get an inexpensive gun, because they are often problematic. A gun needs to be reliable. More things to consider.

I hope that you are right---that he will stay out of your life. Perhaps the police report thing is making him take you seriously. I certainly hope so. Changing jobs probably is still a good idea.

I'm with the mace. You can put it on your keyring and carry easily. They even make them girly pink. One thing to consider about a gun, should you fire at him, either hitting him or missing, the police will become involved and an investigation will ensue. And that will become your DD. Not a pleasant way to be outed, especially considering the media could become involved. If you are fearful enough to arm yourself with a gun, it's probably time to tell your H. But I would def find another job and not tell your old employer where you've gone. Us CS can be very sneaky and creative when stalking our xAPs.

Im so sorry to hear things go physical. It's bad enough when things are emotional :( No one should have to go through what you have, and it's awful you aren't in a position to go to the police.

I personally encourage honesty, but having said that, when I told my H, AP just got worse - he no longer had anything to hide and so he went beserk.
The only reason he didn't stalk me physically, I'm sure of, is the fact I live in another state to him. He said awful things to my H and told him weird things like "stop telling her to hide, I'm so much better at hide and seek than she is".

I wish you all the best & I hope your AP does give up soon. Fingers crossed you can feel safe again asap.

A word on mace. Im assuming its the same thingas pepper spray. My son is a marine and during a recent training week, his unit had to be peppered sprayed and tazed.

He said (by FAR) the pepper spray was worse. If you spray enough, it will reactivate with water later. Keep in mind this is a marine who's been to the gas chamber, through a 72 hour crucible training, been tazed and more. He said "next time I need to get pepper sprayed, just shoot me".

this goes out to all ladies (and men too) who are often in vulnerable situations like working late nights alone. Pepper spray is an excellent defense. If you end upin a situation where you need to use it as self defense give him a "bonus spray" in his hands if possible. Remember what men have to hold when they pee. In fact they are touching everything with those pepper hand.

Gas chamber meaning tear gas btw

And another thing...be sure that you know which way the wind is blowing if you spray mace or pepper spray. It can blow right back at you if you are facing the wind and the wind has any strength to it. These wise words were given to me as I was given a canister of law enforcement strength mace by a sheriff who lives down the street from me a few years ago. Along with----"and you did not get this stuff from me"...!!!

I have a question. You said you're not ready to tell your husband as you're not strong right now. Do you plan on telling him in the near future, or can you foresee it? And if you did tell your husband, how do you think your husband will react to you and to the xAP? Will he be violent? Seek retribution? Leave?

Regarding this xAP, if he continues to harass and threaten, you need to get him on film. If need be, meet up with him again but have your video and voice recorder ready. And of course, the mace. Forget the gun. Unless he comes to your home to cause harm, you're creating a huge disaster for your life ahead.

Do you have a friend you can confide in and that can help you record your meeting? You need to gain the advantage on him. Not only could you tell his wife, but now you could put him in the slammer for assault. So prepare yourself now as I'm certain he's not going away quietly.

He's a POS. But there are those out there like him and all you can do is be one step ahead and assure yourself that if he goes too far, you got him.

Ultimately though, it sounds like you're at a point where you have no choice but to tell your husband anyway. Deal with the repercussions of that and it'll free you somewhat of this guy's hold over you.

I purchased the mace yesterday. I haven't heard from ExAP since I told him thinking about filing a police report. I personally think he's really gone. He's a coward. He has a family too and Im sure he doesn't want to be exposed. On the bruise situation my teenage daughter asked me what happened. I told her I was hanging a picture and it fell on my chest. She gave me that look like yea right.. I felt like an idiot. Funny how they can feel things. Sucks : (

Bigstep, No I'm not planning on telling my H in the near future. No telling on how he would react. I've been in A for a while, he probably knows and after asking questions that I denied. He gave up. We really don't have a strong marriage. We do have a beautiful family. I do believe being honest is best. I'm just not ready. I don't feel I need to set up a meeting with xAP because I believe every dog has his day. I personally hope I never see him again.