Hi restore, My xAP broke up with me Feb 16, 2013. 2 weeks later when it finally sunk in he wasn't coming back to me, I walked into my job & submitted my resignation effective immediately. I didn't go home right away bc my H hadn't left for work yet so I drove to the mall to walk around awhile. My arms & legs felt like they were filled with cement & my heart was pounding out of my chest. Sleepless nites & tear filled days followed for about 2 weeks until I convinced myself this person was no damn good for me & I wouldn't have wanted him permanently anyway. The panic attacks didn't come back but it took a whole year to stop crying whenever I thought about him. It was 6 months until he wasn't the first thought in the morning & the last before bed. No matter how bad they are, we are convinced we love them anyway but that's not it. You are suffering from rejection & you keep trying to undo that by remaining in contact with her.
After a year, my xAP & I are talking again....we have our friends hats on, but he wants more. I'm not ready to meet him again...yet, but I do want to one more time. You did it too soon. They say it takes up to 2 years to reach indifference. You will be ok. Good luck to you.

Yes I did.
I actually remembered a bad one I had in April (3 months after I finally ended it) and just pulled my journal to remember it.
In the beginning you have to let those thoughts out. Its too intense to keep them inside. Clover (above) actually told me to "go for a walk, a drive, a run, anything...just get out". I ended up starting to go to a gym and WW again and focus on ME, a new "project" to give me something else to do. It has worked.....
I also journaled and journaled and wrote and wrote...It helped immensely....long entries, sorting things out...crazy.
It gets better (the physical symptoms). I promise. In fact, I just read that entry for April and I was like, "Wow...that was bad".

The journal is amazing....... Wish this came w a warning!

Me too...would have never, ever, ever have done it.

What I'm finding is what has always been I send a message to my xAP and she would respond w smilie faces send the same type of message to my wife get the same response how blind!!!

Yes to all of the above. Even though I was the one to break it off- because I do love my husband and want my marriage and family more than anything. I knew to keep the OM in my life would be my undoing. My husband and family don't know, and I feel that is for the best. My Om and I were off and on from 2010- to Nov of 2012. Then I went total NC in NOV 2012. I think it took me that long to go total NC because all the other break ups were so hard. It truly is a grieving experience. I finally knew I had to let myself go through it or I would never be free of him. I did flub up and we started "talking" again for a few days last Dec of 2013. I was a littly tipsy at a work party- and on the way home thought what would it hurt to call him. Of course it was great to hear his voice again, after a year. But as the next few days went on- he was pushing getting back together, and being together sexually. I knew I just couldn't do it, and by this point I was mad at myself for breaking contact- I regretted it the same night I called him. I will say it was easier letting go the second time around. I still miss him from time to time, but not in the gut wrenching way before. I know that we can't be together, and really we never should have been. I just hope he is well and doing okay in his life. And hopefully he wishes the same for me- he does respect the no contact, and for that I am grateful. I know this is the hardest part- what you are experiencing- but it does get better if you don't fight it, and come to acceptance that it is over, and yes, life does go on, and you truly will be okay- maybe more than okay at some point!

Well if you talk you go back almost to square one I'm finding....

I never had any anxiety attacks or anything. But I find that the weirdest things put me in a funk....

....like today my husband got really mad at the dogs for shredding our carpet when we were gone. He screamed and threw their water bowl outside. and he didnt understand why i curled into a ball and cried clutching the dogs. i think now its because i know he could have done that to me when he found out about my A and that i never know what could set him off....

stay strong...you got this!

"when you talk you go back to square one" Oh yessss! after almost 5 months I'm on day 2 of NC....(but after 5 months it's not as hard really cause it's still new & you see the same issues/crap without any fog)....there sure is a reason for NC.

How dumb for having an affair

Restore....its all water under the bridge, you can't unring a bell, you can't unshoot a gun....you can't go back into the past and change this......you know the drill. It is what it is and right now I know it really sucks....been there and done that. I am 1.5 years out and doing ok but still have my days. I learned that I have to live in the here and now. I believe someone posted a great analogy about this regarding looking out your window into your back yard and seeing holes representing regrets. Then trying to fill those holes. I think it may have been Green.....so if you are that person I think directing Restore to that thread would be helpful to him.

Restore, I went thru the the crying, the anger, the self loathing, the hurt, the pain and I didn't really think I could survive. But guess what I did. The sun still came up every morning, the dog still needed to be feed, I still had 3 kids, I still had a job and I am ok. You will be too.

You all are great feel do safe here!!!

^^ agreed ^^ I swear I get paranoid sometimes. Anytime my husband is in a crabby mood, I automatically assume it's because of me. Stupid Stupid Stupid me....its been easier to see in hindsight how stupid I was and now I get to spend each day rebuilding...

i think we've all learned that lesson...

Yes

I think the holes in the backyard analogy was a GREAT analogy that someone posted on one of my first threads when I was where you are now Restore. If I can find it i will bump it up. That analogy actually helped me so much in starting to move forward...