Ha ha, Cole and I were typing our responses at the same time just 3 feet away from each other and we didn't know. He beat me.

WOW this took me some time to get through. Here's my two cents worth. I noticed several things.
Cole you are absolutely right when you said: "if he has not totally gotten over his infatuation with her. When someone is like that, they ignore all negative signs and latch onto the positive ones with alligator jaws. The only thing that will really register with him is they talked behind my back, just like old times. He'll view that as progress. Not a reason to not contact her again."

And Gabi you are also right when you said: "at face value it really doesn't look that bad until you delve in a little deeper."

Cole, you also said: "We both don't want to leave these kinds of things to chance, but if we can take proactive measures to strengthen our marriage, we should....I owe a lot to her fearlessly facing her demons and dealing with them…And in keeping with her history since dday, she is taking this seriously and fighting it head on, proactively."

Here's where I want to offer my opinion on how to handle this particular OM situation. Why are you two waiting for another opportunity from this guy for Gabi to do the right thing? I think Gabi should call the OM - IN COLE'S PRESENCE - and let him know, unequivocally that there are NO open doors and NC means NC forever. And don't worry about his feelings or healing. This time you gotta 100% honest with him and maybe a little mean. It's time to grab this bull by the horns! Don't give this guy a chance to build up more hope. After that you can address Gabi's potential and weaknesses. But this contact must be nipped in the bud.

impono, I would tend to agree except for one point. It is one thing to make a phonecall, being able to have Cole close by and have a script prepared. It can be quite another thing to be caught off guard by receiving a call, possibly at a time when Cole is not around to back her up. That will be the real test for Gabi so that is the circumstance for which she needs to prepare.

If they wanted to be proactive by contacting him they could have done so at any time in the past 20 months. Most don't because even opening the door to say F*&% off can be seen as an invitation to a foggy mind.

Fiber I agree the real test is when the suprise call comes in. And preparing for that is important. But I still believe that being proactive in this specific circumstance (knowing this OM as they do) would be the best way to lift THIS burdon off of their shoulders. Because it seems to me it is wieghing as much on Cole as it is Gabi. And I think this specific weight can be easily delt with and put behind them. Waiting for it to happen can only add stress to an already stressful situation.

I think the possibilityof it being seen as an invitation to a foggy mind is worth the risk it to lessen the stress of dreading the day.

take zero pitty on this man. Gabbi I think for a long time you looked at this from a certain perspective. Because was single, he was in a sense an innocent victim of your fog. That his being single made it ok for him and that somehow he deserved a hint of pitty.

Remember not only was he aware of the situation he was choosing to be a part of, but he had suffered the pain of infidelity from the side of this. He is absolutely not innocent in any way shape or form. Too bad if he was heartbroken. That was a choice he made getting involved with a married woman.

I was at first responding to this situation with the idea he needed closure but when I saw you write he too had been cheated on, I thought, screw him, no pity for the dumbass. He doesn't deserve anything else from you or cole. No time, effort or energy.

Just my 2 cents
Pink

impono, I had considered that option. I hesitate suggesting that for one main reason. All of Gabi's interactions with OM#2 since dday have been in response to his attempts to contact her. Aside from the call to tell him I found out and it was over on dday, or maybe the next day, she has successfully not initiated contact with him. I'm very reluctant to suggest changing that, as I believe for him, it would be a sign of progress. Someone in his state, as you agreed, will take any positive, even if it is to tell him, "Get out of my life," as positive attention.

For that reason, and Fiber had a good point, and there is the outside chance he will keep his word and this will be it. I doubt it, but it is possible, I think it will be best for Gabi to prepare for the next surprise contact so that she is ready on a moments notice to do the right thing all the way, without my presence to support her doing it. She has to decisively break it off.

If my prediction is wrong, and he doesn't call in the next two weeks, my next guess is he'll call around our 2 yr dday anniversary in May. But I'll be surprised if he lasts that long.

BTW, my stress is minimal at this point, because Gabi is taking this seriously and working on it. She's got more of the stress, really.

BTW, fair warning...

I realized Gabi rarely, if ever, disagrees with anyone on the forums. She'll state her opinion, but she is reluctant to disagree even when she does. I told her one of the ways to help her be wiling to stand on her own feet is to be willing to disagree, respectfully, with people when you do disagree with them.

We'll see if she does that or not. I know she's done it with me at times. So I know it is there. :)

I have been sharing messages with someone from the infidelity board who is having a similar problem but greatly multiplied. Her H is back in contact with the OW. He is up front about it, saying he is helping her through a rough spot and he refuses to stop until he is ready to stop. I just can't tell you what this is doing to her. She is showing him her pain. He doesn't care. He is putting his ex OW's feelings above the feelings of his W. It has been good for me to communicate with her. It has shown me quite starkly how important it is to put SO first, even if it means hurting someone. It has shown me how important it is to completely turn your back on the OP whether you are 100% feeling it or not. wishy washyness or rationalizing just will not do. Either we are rebuilding or we are not. My commitment is to you Cole, Not OM. His feelings are no longer my concern. He signed up for this just like I did. He has his pain for a reason and it is up to him to do what he needs to do to move on with his life. He gets nothing more from me except the truth that I have told you and will always tell you, because I am 100% yours.

:-) I know. Same from this end.

Oh, gosh! YOU TWO! Are you on a kind of a perpetual second honeymoon??? Like what I thought would happen with X and i, but know was never possible.