Oh, Gabi, honey, you are amazing. You are only human and were not prepared for what that SOB did to you. If he calls again, hang up, or give the phone to Your Knight aka Cole. Luv Ya!

I do not understand why you feel so bad. It is not like you initiated contact. You informed him of your decision, and kept it moving. I do not understand why you would feel bad unless he brought up memories.
From what I read You did everything right.

You told your H immediately. The same as I do. You did great. I imagine that you let the conversation go on out of fear of confrontation. How is Cole doing with it? Is he satisfied with how you handled it?

Cole, are you okay? Can you identify what you need when faced with this potential setback?

Hold tight to.each other. You two are amazing and you inspire me.

From what I know of you Gabi- you are a very very nice person. For people like us (because I can tend to be this way- I don't like hurting people's feelings etc) it can be hard to be firm with others, even if that is what they need. I think overall you handled it well. It is hard too when you are caught unaware. I also, think anytime you talk with the OP even if you don't initiate contact- it just brings up a lot of feelings (not necessarily romantic), but it makes you think about all that you went through. Anyways, please don't be too hard on yourself! I hope that you will find peace with this situation soon.

If this was the 2nd Om that called you, I don't think you did anything wrong by talking to him. You are simply helping another human being heal. You realize that the relationship you had caused him pain as well. You told your husband and you did not encourage him to call again, so it seems to ma that this was the best thing you could have done.

I think the reason this is such a big deal is because I have been told and coached repeatedly by my H and counselor and priest, not to engage him in conversation no matter what. i promised. i broke a promise to my H and that is really where the big deal comes in. Rebuilding trust is a delicate thing. Breaking a promise and doing the wrong thing when faced with temptation hurts the trust but more than that it scares us. If I can't even say no in a situation like this, what am I gonna do if another serious temptation comes along and ignites desire in me. So, thus, the counseling, round 2. This is a weakness that can make or break so i better be serious about it.

I may be way out of line on this, and tomorrow I may think differently. I am menopausal so my hormones are everywhere! :) It is my thought that you have to deal with the situation the way you think is right. Yes, you should respect your husband, but being coached and basically told what to say, do, and think is not natural. In many cases, I would imagine being ordered to behave a certain way would bring about a natural instinct to rebel. Over on the Infidelity forum, I believe some people said that you should be the one to deal with the problem, meaning that handling the situation has to come from you. If you just follow a script, or the orders of another person, is it really coming from the heart?

A couple months ago my husband got a text from the OW telling him about a job opening where she works. Atre I got mad about it initially, we discussed how I felt about it and he told me he understood. She followed up a week or so later asking if he looked into it. He told her very simply that he was not interested. I told him how I felt and he handled it the way he thought was best. I cannot dictate everything in his life or we wouldn't have much of a life. As far as I am concerned, she can text him all she wants, as long as he tells me about it and he doesn't initiate the contact. I am not saying you shouldn't listen to your husband but I am saying that at some point he needs to trust you to handle things your way again. You said you feel nothing for this man. You were caught off guard and had to recover the situation the best you could while treating this man like a human being.

You will come through this fine, I am sure of it.

Very good points, redlegs. My husband and I go a few rounds on this idea once in a while, not regarding me or my activities, but regarding our kids. He holds that they should be more responsible, but then denies them the opportunity to make their own mistakes, own the consequences and grow in their response-ability. I know that we have to instill inner discipline so that they can make sound decisions when we are not around to supervise.

The same is true for you, Gabi. I understand you made promises and I believe you had good intentions in making them. Then, faced with the reality of a phone call, you used your best judgement in the moment. I think you did great. Could you have done better? Maybe. You could have given him a clearer message about your intentions, you could have slammed the door in his face more decisively.

What can't be planned for is how hard that contact hits you like a ton of bricks. The first time I ran into OM after we ended it messed with me for days. The last time I ran into him was such an unemotional, non-issue, like he was just another mere acquaintance sitting on a bar stool, not someone who had once been important to me.

It passes. We talked about this just a month ago and you were unsure if you could handle a run in with him. Now you know that you can handle it quite gracefully. Short of perfection? Sure, but aren't we all? However this OM might misinterpret your signals, you know your heart and your own intentions and you did right by your self and your husband. Just my humble opinion.

But by all means, if you need to shore up your defenses then do it! Better safe than sorry.

I usually try to refrain from posting here but Gabi and Cole are dear to my heart and what happened affected me almost personally.

redlegs - I really do hope tomorrow you will think differently - I was enjoying many of your posts

In a meanwhile - I don't think Cole is ever going to be able to "trust" Gabi with regard to OM. How could he? If you have your house burned down to the ground you will forever after have well functioning smoke detectors, and no amount of convincing that your new house is build of fire resistant materials will do. And in this case there aren't even fire resistant materials involved.....
Second - "being coached and basically told what to say" - yes you are right, Gabi can say whatever she wants to OM. Including that she wants to be with him. However - what Cole says is "I need you to tell him this and that or else I will not be able to stay with you". This is his boundary and there is no room for natural or not about it. I understand that you are quite tolerant in terms of the boundaries you set for your husband, but everybody has the right to set their own boundaries. And I can tell you that if OW kept texting my husband the way you describe, and he was not able to stop that - I would not be able to tolerate it for a long period of time. It would be like putting a glass of wine in front of the recovering alcoholic. I am not ordering him what to do. I am just telling him what I can live with and what I cannot live with. The rest is up to him. This is called setting boundaries. He can do whatever he chooses. But so can I. If he cannot stop it, I can divorce him.

Last - in this case the OM is not a human being. If we consider him a human being, he is likely suffering, missing her, feeling lonely and rejected and .... should we expect Gabi to take care of him and support him? Nobody expects her to tell hurtful things to him (like I hate you, I wish I have never met you, I hated every minute I spent with you, sex with you was the worst ever etc), that would be mean (so yes, he is a human being to that end). Other than that he is just a walking (talking and texting) threat to Gabi and Cole's marriage. He is an intruder. He actually is a man who has issues with boundaries since he had an affair with a married woman and keeps contacting a married woman. And if Gabi wouldn't be able to see it - it would be a big problem for the marriage. I believe she does see it though and this is what scared her. And this constitutes hope for Gabi and Cole's marriage. As I will keep rooting for them

thank you so much everyone for the feedback. I appreciate it so very much. Thank you jayalexander for posting here. You made some very good observations. I appreciate your support. You are right. He is not a bad man and no more guilty than me for the A, but he is a threat to my M and a threat to my psychological health if I let him be.

I really don't mind the coaching and I really like what my priest told me to say. i can do that. it is not mean and it is simply the truth and I believe it will dissuade him from future contact. I think if it comes firmly from me it will do the trick. Perhaps he will keep his word and that was it, but I will prepare, just in case, and I agree with you, redlegs, and the others on infidelity, that I need to be the one to stop this if it continues.

You are right, bluesky, it really does just stir up a lot of sediment that had settled to have contact like that. ugh.

thanks fiberjunkie for your input. It helps. I love your practical and straightforward approach. You gave me some things to think about. I think Cole is typing a response for here right now.

Fiber, you asked, "Cole, are you okay? Can you identify what you need when faced with this potential setback?"

I'm okay at the moment. The event did trigger some physical reactions similar to the two weeks after dday: shortness of breath and feeling like my heart beat wasn't consistent. But for less than an hour. At one point, I thought I might have to stop working (I was helping Gabi clean a house).

Here's the deal. Overall I give her good marks for dealing with this event. The content of what they said wasn't bad. She had good motives in what she wanted to say, but also sent opposite signals to him that likely made him feel there was still hope. She's never been good at crushing someone's hope. But his hope that he might have a chance with her needs to be crushed. And only she can do it.

She also did good in keeping herself transparent with me, by telling me about it immediately. She also did good at taking proactive measures in the aftermath of this. I know she was caught off guard. She did a lot right in the face of it.

But it is an issue for the following reasons.

1. She broke no-contact. I know she can't control him calling like that, but one of his first questions was, "Can we talk for a minute?" To maintain no contact, the answer to that should have been no. Instead, she said yes, and proceeded to have a conversation with him. It doesn't matter the content of what they discussed. No contact was broken when she said yes. And she did it knowing better.

Yes, she was caught off guard. But we'd been over that, what she needed to do when this happened, because I knew at some point it was likely to happen. I wanted her to drill it into her head strong enough that when the surprise meeting or call happened, she would automatically do the right thing without having to think about it.

This is important for a BS, because this represents a foot in the door, a threat to the marriage. Any contact with the OP says to us, "It's not over yet." That is why my fear reaction involuntarily resurfaced, which surprised me. Mentally I knew Gabi wasn't on the cusp of flinging herself back into his arms. But emotionally, those fears emerged. Even after many months.

2. She failed to prepare for this eventuality. Not only failed to do so, but actively prepared herself to talk to him. While saying she would abide by no contact, she played out in her mind many times "if I ever did have the chance to talk to him again, here's what I would want to say..." She told herself that would never happen, but went over those questions in her mind. So when the day arrived, instead of thinking, "I need to cut this off," her immediate response was, "Here's my opportunity to tell him." I had not been made aware that instead of preparing herself to hang up on him, she prepared a speech to give him. So it is no wonder she failed to simply say, "I can't talk with you. Please don't contact me again." And hang up.

This also represents a ding on the transparency meter, because she never told me, that I recall, that she thought about talking with him again. She'd always left me with the impression she would do all she could to not let that happen. This represents a failure to do all she could do to ensure it didn't happen again.

3. This goes beyond this one incident, and goes more into a pattern of not being able to do the right thing, even if it hurts someone else's feelings or desires. In the days right after dday, she couldn't help but respond to his texts. Multiple times she said, "I can't communicate with you anymore. This is the last time." Then he would text again, and instead of ignoring him like she promised, she couldn't but help to respond again. It didn't stop until I blocked his cell phone number from her phone. The whole thing was killing me. I think I lost several years of my life those three weeks due to the stress. I began to worry she didn't have the backbone to end it with him.

But after that, aside from one note exchange a month later, she never had to deal with not responding to him, for she never got another note, call, text, etc. from him. Just some stalking incidences, which both were resolved by emails from me telling him to back off. We'd gone several months like that. She reached the point of no longer feeling in love with him. The fog was long past. So I hoped the next time he contacted her, if ever, she'd have the ability to not engage him, refuse to respond positively to him. This instance reveals that is not the case. It isn't a matter of being in love or foggy thinking, but a character issue of being so non-confrontational, she can't do the right thing when it means telling someone no and denying them.

This is what got her into this mess to begin with. Unwilling to show disapproval for flirting, sex texting, making that first OM disappointed because she refused to play his game. And when he dangled his joystick out and asked her to satisfy him, she couldn't say no, even though she was crossing a huge boundary, as she had never done anything sexual with anyone other than me to that point. And when she tried to break it off with OM#2, her words said one thing, but her body language and tone said just the opposite. No sooner did she say this had to stop than they were kissing.

Until she can gather the strength to tell a man "no" over something as simple as not talking to him on the phone when she promised me and God she wouldn't, I have a lot of fear she won't be able to say no the next time a guy wants to stick his pecker in her mouth. So this one incident tells me this not over. She is yet to demonstrate she can refuse a man who wants something from her of this nature. Except for me of course, on multiple occasions in the past.

4. She ended up sending positive hope to the OM. Her words were "I'm doing fine, our marriage rebuilding is going well, etc." What he hears is, "I'm saying this because I have to, not because I want to. Otherwise, I would have said 'no, I can't talk with you' and because I said I'm willing to hide this from my husband." I seriously doubt he believed her words, but was rewarded with the longest interaction with her since they said their "final" goodbyes on dday. That's what he craves, because if she is willing to interact with him, he will interpret that as being able to keep his foot in the door. And his hope is our rebuilding, like his, will end up on the rocks and he will be there to hold her hand when it does.

Of course, he is living in fantasy land. Our marriage is stronger than its ever been. But he doesn't know that. He probably thinks she still is in love with him, and it is just a matter of time before she comes running back to his arms. And he'll continue in hope until Gabi makes it very clear, with no equivocation, that she never wants to talk to him again. IOW, she has to be willing to break his heart. It is the only way for him to know it is really over, and stop hoping.

Which is why he will call again, despite saying he wouldn't. He's promised several times now he wouldn't try and contact her again, and he always breaks it. Especially now that he thinks he's gotten away with it. I expect him to try again in the next week, if not days. The question is, will she do what is best for him, for her, and for me, and be ready to break his heart?

Even lying to him about not telling me is evidence she didn't want to confront him with the truth. But the truth is exactly what he needs to hear to give up hope in getting her back, and getting over her, and go find someone else who isn't taken that he'll be able to have a real relationship with. Someone who can give all of themselves to him.

That is why our priest gave Gabi those words to say. She immediately liked them. But whatever words she uses, she needs to tell him the truth in no uncertain terms, that she will hide nothing from me, that she told me everything about this last conversation she had with him, she will always tell me about them, she will refuse to give into his demands that she does hide them, and that she does not want to hear from him again. Until he hears that from her, for him and for me, it is not over. She has to tell him the TRUTH! She didn't do that and so kindled false hope in him.

It isn't a matter of forcing someone else's words in her mouth, but her being brave enough to tell the truth and not only say it is over, but *acting like it is as well.* That is where double messages so often come from CSs to their APs. Your voice tone, actions, body language, and demeanor contradict the words coming out of your mouth. The AP is going to hang on the former and not believe the later. But once those are all aligned, he'll know it is over.

As I said on the Infidelity forum, I know Gabi can overcome this weakness, but I don't know that she will succeed. To do so means changing the way she reacts to people since she was a teen. But if our marriage is to survive and our rebuilding to be successful, I feel it is dependent on her conquering this weakness. Otherwise, I fear she'll not do the right thing the next time a guy wants her, and I don't know I can take going through this again.

That is why what happened is so important, and what I need to see her do to have any confidence we'll survive. I need to see her crush the OM's hopes of getting back together, decisively. I know she wants to do it. Time will tell if she does what it takes to pull it off.

Oh, Cole. When I read what Gabi said I had a strong desire to comfort her, to nurture and take care of her. Now I feel the same desire to do the same to you. You really suffered when one of the best posters in Our Family Betrayed You. I am so sorry, sweetie. I know how you feel!

Here's a suggestion that I am using for myself currently. I am in love with a married man. He is in love with me. He is planning on leaving his wife summer of 2014, and not because of me, he had been planning on doing it long before we ever met. It does not seem wrong to me and if he being honest with me, it isn't.

I admit that in this case I am not capable of making a logical decision and so when I pray I say that I admit that I am aware I am not capable of making a logical decision and if it is wrong, please see to it that it ends and quickly! Maybe Gabi could simply admit that she is not capable of breaking this SOB's heart and ask for the help she needs to do it, and keep on rebuilding your wonderful marriage.

I fortunately never have an issue with telling someone no, never even tempted to share Sacred Intimacy with anyone other than My Beloved! When I am In Love the words "He is everything To Me And Everything Is Him," apply to me totally! Good Luck!

Cole, I'm sorry that you are having to deal with this at all. I think I hear you feeling apprehensive, maybe wanting to guard your heart until you feel safe. It's not fair to you to be going through any part of that again, and I hope you know that I don't mean to minimize your feelings in any way. You don't deserve any of this.

I do want to encourage Gabi, though. Even though she made errors in how she handled him, she cleared the first hurdle of contact without falling back in. It's a baby step for sure, but in the right direction. You suggested, and had the idea shot down rather vehemently, giving him permission to contact her all he wants...that it would be futile and she would not give in. I know it sounds crazy and dangerous, but there is something to be said for 'immersion therapy'.

More than a year ago I stopped going out of my way to avoid the OM. This is my hometown, not his. I was here first, I'll still be here long after he's gone, and I won't be bothered to cross the street to avoid him. He's a non-entity now and changing my course to navigate around him gives him more power over me than he deserves.

The first time he crossed my path after D-day I stopped breathing. And I was stunned and scared for hours afterward. Now, a month ago, I stood two feet away from him, hung up my coat, met my friend and went on with my evening with absolute indifference to his presence. This feeling of nothing toward him is so much better than the shock and fear I used to experience. It's not that I'm letting my guard down, at all, I've just taken back all the power he'd had over me.

I think that facing a trigger, not inviting it but not fearing it, and succeeding in not being dragged down by it, could reinforce Gabi's resolve. At the same time it gives her a chance to prove to you that she can handle it. Going back to how I handle our kids, if I don't give them the chance to solve their own problems how will they ever prove to me that they are able to?

If it were up to me, I'd tell that MoFo to Bring It On!!! And show him your strong, loving, united front!

That option, Fiber, had some points to it, but also risk. Assuming he didn't fear I was up to some nefarious plan and not contact her because I did give him permission, my thought was she would get more practice at saying, "leave me alone," but there is also the risk of either continuing and regular contact that would likely mean the end of our marriage. I'd be fine if she ignored him when they happened to cross paths. But I really don't want to give him permission to contact her. I think he'll do it on his own anyway as long as he thinks I'm in the dark about it.

But I'd only be open to inviting him to do that if I felt the end result was that Gabi ran him off herself. Which is what she's got to do anyway.

I've given her permission, this is how much I trust her at this point, to have the phone number he called on in her contact list so the next time he calls on it, his name will pop up on her screen and give her some warning of who is calling so she can mentally prepare herself. I know she won't use it to call him. So next time he does call, she can be prepared with the right response. She wanted to not answer it, but I told her to do so. He's not going to stop until he gets the signal loud and clear that Gabi doesn't want to have anything further to do with him.

I think it is great Gabi didn't feel anything for him. I'm glad of that. But that should result in ignoring him like you did, not engaging him. But thanks for your support and help. We'll get through this, and I trust Gabi will work on herself until this is fixed. She has to if we are to not have future affairs. More than going back to OM, I'm more worried about the next guy that decides Gabi is ripe for the picking.

Fiber, I agree with you. I have not seen the OM since dday and only talked to him twice. I am deathly afraid of seeing him, but I have decided not to let him rule my life anymore.

Cole, don't be so sure he will contact again. I haven't contacted the OM in months, and he was the one to break it off because his wife found out, just like you did. He could also be descibed like Gabi, unable to tell people no or hurt feelings. My pride will not allow me to try to change his mind. I only spoke to him after dday because his wife contacted me for answers. I did not seek him out. I know Gabi's OM did seek contact, but it is possible that he will move on. I hope he will. Either way, I believe you all will be fine.