Caring For Aging Parents Support Group
Caring for aging parents can be a difficul time as we become the caretakers for our parents. This broad responsibility can encompass such services as assisted living, adult day care, long term care, nursing homes, hospice care, and in-home care. Whether you have just started caring for your parents or just need a place to talk, we're here.
Mother is home. That's the good news. But it's terribly hard... that's the bad news. She's still in denial and that makes many things harder. I don't even really know how to describe what I'm talking about... partly cause I am just SO SO tired. Hospice came today - a volunteer to help with the shower. But she didn't want to undress in front of her. And tho't she could do it by herself. But she can't! Finally agreed when I said that it was really helping ME. Layne and I are doing so much already... please give me a little break. I can't do the shower SAFELY... and this woman was so nice and did so many other little things, like cut her toenails. Then the nurse came and sorted all the meds into their daily dose thing. Then the social worker called wanting to come over tonight!!! What? No way, honey. Then the danged chaplain called, also wanting to come see her. And really Mother is not religious ... that I know of, but then... who knows? She never really says what she thinks, or wants, or needs. She was asleep in the wheelchair as we watched the Roosevelt special... but when we started to come upstairs, then she wants to stay up and read or watch something on TV. But when I said OK, I'll come back down later and help her to bed... no, no, she would just go on to bed now rather than "worry" me. It is soooo hard. I'm really stressed out... but maybe things will settle down when we get into a routine w/hospice. So many things for me to remember - meds, eye drops, ear drops, oxygen, doc appts... blah, blah. And then there's our little attempts to "have a life." Take the dog for a walk... go shopping, etc. Forget it. Wow... worse than I had expected and yet, not as bad as it could be because she is still mentally pretty intact, physically not so much - but even that could certainly be worse. Sigh.
Penny it will take a little while and then things will settle down. Hospice is just trying to get things setup. Many of their clients don't have long so I'd guess that each person is anxious to get there to help. I wouldn't turn away anyone. You might find that mom likes the chaplain and it would be someone to spend some time with her and give you a break. They aren't pushy and will take their queue from mom on how much religion she wants.
Hang in there. It will get better and sometimes it will get worse.
It takes time to get settled into a routine but you already knew this wasn't going to be easy; we've told you time and again.
You absolutely have to have time to yourself for things that you want to do, don't forget that. When it comes to appointments, you need to let anyone calling that there are times that visiting is acceptable and times that are not.
Take the reigns and set up a strict schedule and then you'll see for the most part anyway, things will fall into place.
I am so sorry that things are piling up like this. It is a huge adjustment to make. For me there was a huge emotional barrier I had to get through with on the whole 'hospice' thing. Once I wrapped my head around that it got easier. Well, a more accurate term would be "less hard".
I agree with the others here, you need to set limits. Even with yourself! Set limits on how much time you allow to yourself, but in this case it is more like a MINIMUM limit! As in you will give yourself a minimum of 30 minutes in the a.m. to have a cup of coffee, or a danish, or read the paper, or just sit and breathe.
Gentle hugs
Had a weird thing today - Mother thought some red-headed woman was in the living room with her sitting in her wheelchair (she was on the sofa). When I assured her that no one had been there but Janie, the housekeeper (and no red hair), she looked at me as though I were lying - which she KNOWS I do not do. I thought she had dreamed it - and maybe did - DH said possible hallucination. Yikes.
"Mom, I'm paying the house cleaner out of my own money, so stop complaining about it!"
"Mom, no red haired people in the house today."
etc
etc
etc
I called Hospice and they wanted to come right out - that's reassuring!!! - but Mother said no, and I do think she's OK. Just put ice on and we'll see if she's sore tomorrow. God, what a nightmare this all is.
I guess I'll get more used to it... but after just 3-4 days, I'm whacked.
Thanks, all...
The balance is another sign of dementia. Many people do not realize that this physical aspect of the disease. Loss of balance especially when walking but also just standing. Often the dementia is overlooked because the damage from the fall takes center stage. For your mom this may just be a result of her hospitalization but it may also have been the root cause of her original injury.
There isn't much you can do at this point. I would mention the hallucination to her doctor at her next visit so they can make a note. When talking to her about things like this the best technique is to acknowledge, validate and divert. So 1-So you saw a woman with red hair sitting in your chair? 2-I'm sure it seemed that way to you but I don't see anyone now 3-Are you hungry? Maybe some lunch or a snack? It helps to have a few topics that you know will interest her. Write them down so they are fresh in your mind because these encounters happen with no warning.
Hopefully mom is feeling better today. Be extra careful about bruising. Since mom is not moving around a lot it easier for fluid to pool in a part of the body and this can set off all kinds of really bad things. Hospice wanted to come out for a reason. Please listen to them, they have so much knowledge to share.
My mom did not want us to take her to the hospital one morning after she was vomiting and in terrible pain.
W overruled that one and it turned out her gallbladder was twisted on itself and had she not been rushed to surgery she would have died a horrible death from peritonitis.
I get most of my mixed metaphors from my half southern background and Dr. Phil
There is a very fine line of seeing your mother as both a child (due to the dementia and other mental deteriorations) and the woman who gave you life and raised you. The more I was able to do that with my mom, the easier it was to interact with her. Now that I'm spending a LOT more time with my dad, I am starting this same process all over again with him. (With the necessary gender changes to the observations!)
Understand that this is the final part of your mom's life journey. It is not the path she or you would have chosen, but it is the path that you are on. Accepting this and letting yourself walk the path will make it easier.
Continuing hugs
None of us would have chosen this for our families!
Everybody was supposed to live to a nicer ripe old healthy age and keel over from a heart attack one day.
Few are so lucky
She didn't especially like hearing that but she shut up and let us help her. So we are slowly making headway in that regard. But I now feel that I need to get her UP from the sofa or wheelchair - where today she has mostly just slept (what's up with that??!!) - and start some PT around here, or as I told her today, she will never get her strength back, however much that is ever to be.
Anyway, the saga continues... both better and worse than we had anticipated.
Yeah, Trojan, I wonder if there isn't some way to engineer that heart attack... maybe gallons of ice cream? ;-)
But good for you for beginning to get her cooperation!
Oh yes. There are ways to engineer a heart attack but if you start looking them up on the net it might bring the po po to your door!
Ice cream would be legal but would not help her ability to get up from the sofa!
Anyway thanks for the laugh. If I could not laugh about what is going on in my life I would just have to shoot myself!