Caring For Aging Parents Support Group
Caring for aging parents can be a difficul time as we become the caretakers for our parents. This broad responsibility can encompass such services as assisted living, adult day care, long term care, nursing homes, hospice care, and in-home care. Whether you have just started caring for your parents or just need a place to talk, we're here.
The thought occured to me today that I have two choices:
1. Stay and watch my father destroy his life and mine.
or
2. Walk away and let him destroy his own life.
Either way a train wreck is going to happen. I can either be on it or not. The choice is mine.
Here's how it started. My father has become increasingly combactive, accussing me of all sorts of things, never listening, never really caring about me. Seven months ago I wrote him a check for 15,000 dollars. I did it in two checks, splitting it in half. I normally don't have that kind of money. It was from the life insurance my husband left me. So, anyhow, I wrote these two checks out to him. And yesterday, he claimed I was lying, and that he never got the checks.
How is that possible? Is it dementia, or more of his lies. He's always been one to bend the truth. Frankly, it's hard to tell where the insanity starts and stops.
Anyhow, I told him that I wanted him to be evaluated. And he screamed until I couldn't take it anymore. Literally couldn't take it. How can he have forgotten that kind of money? It's sort of like forgetting you met Brad Pitt.
So is he being manipulative. The whole thing started because he said he wanted more money and I told him I was flat out broke. At which point he asked about the rest of the money I'd put away for my retirement. He knew this amount to the last dollar. So how could he remember that and not remember the money I gave him. Is he lying?
At any rate, he won't get help. He's refused, instead asking me to provide proff that I wrote the checks and that he cashed them. Meanwhile, he's gone through the family, telling them that I took money from him and that I'm a lousy daughter.
And so, I'm done. I can't go on like this, not sleeping, high bloodpressure, eye twitches, etc. So I'm getting off the train and letting the wreck go as it may. It's the hardest thing I've ever done.
1. Stay and watch my father destroy his life and mine.
or
2. Walk away and let him destroy his own life.
Either way a train wreck is going to happen. I can either be on it or not. The choice is mine.
Here's how it started. My father has become increasingly combactive, accussing me of all sorts of things, never listening, never really caring about me. Seven months ago I wrote him a check for 15,000 dollars. I did it in two checks, splitting it in half. I normally don't have that kind of money. It was from the life insurance my husband left me. So, anyhow, I wrote these two checks out to him. And yesterday, he claimed I was lying, and that he never got the checks.
How is that possible? Is it dementia, or more of his lies. He's always been one to bend the truth. Frankly, it's hard to tell where the insanity starts and stops.
Anyhow, I told him that I wanted him to be evaluated. And he screamed until I couldn't take it anymore. Literally couldn't take it. How can he have forgotten that kind of money? It's sort of like forgetting you met Brad Pitt.
So is he being manipulative. The whole thing started because he said he wanted more money and I told him I was flat out broke. At which point he asked about the rest of the money I'd put away for my retirement. He knew this amount to the last dollar. So how could he remember that and not remember the money I gave him. Is he lying?
At any rate, he won't get help. He's refused, instead asking me to provide proff that I wrote the checks and that he cashed them. Meanwhile, he's gone through the family, telling them that I took money from him and that I'm a lousy daughter.
And so, I'm done. I can't go on like this, not sleeping, high bloodpressure, eye twitches, etc. So I'm getting off the train and letting the wreck go as it may. It's the hardest thing I've ever done.
I feel your grief and I understand your feelings. There is only so much you can do to help someone that does not want to be helped. So I commend you for taking action and saving yourself before you are completely destroyed. Don't worry about others will say, they will eventually learn the truth. Good luck and keep us posted.
I would seek out dementia help... as a caregiver the way we react to their 'episode' will determine how 'mean' they become.
I found some help here: http://www.caregiver.org/caregiver/jsp/content_node.jsp?nodeid=891
you are welcome to IM me anytime :) Monica
Seeing a loved one suddenly become suspicious, jealous or accusatory is unsettling. Remember, what the person is experiencing is very real to them. It is best not to argue or disagree. This, too, is part of the dementiatry not to take it personally.
*
If the confused person suspects money is missing, allow her to keep small amounts of money in a pocket or handbag for easy inspection.
*
Help them look for the object and then distract them into another activity. Try to learn where the confused persons favorite hiding places are for storing objects, which are frequently assumed to be lost. Avoid arguing.
*
Take time to explain to other family members and home-helpers that suspicious accusations are a part of the dementing illness.
*
Try nonverbal reassurances like a gentle touch or hug. Respond to the feeling behind the accusation and then reassure the person. You might try saying, I see this frightens you; stay with me, I wont let anything happen to you.
http://www.caregiver.org/caregiver/jsp/content_node.jsp?nodeid=391
Regards.
So in short, your father who may very well be showing signs of dementia, may also be feeling strong fear and anxiety. He may feel that his supply of money to take care of himself is running short and that frightens him. He may also be realizing that he is forgetful and that dementia is setting in. That frightens him very much so also. Many times that fear will keep him in denial because to admit to himself that his mind is not working properly also feels like giving into the dementia. It's his way of fighting and not giving into something that seriously scares the crap out of him.
So your father is dealing with his feelings: fear and not the events. He's too afraid of his limited $ resources and he's afraid of this thing called dementia. Fear, fear, fear is paralyzing him. So he's become combative with you.
If you realize that regardless of the events that feelings are real no matter who you are or what age you are - your life will make more sense when dealing with your father.
You may also be dealing with your own fear. Fear that others will believe your fathers rumors that he is spreading of you. If you can find a way to have another witness some of this that you know you can trust - your own fear will subside. Love your father and keep reaching out to others. I am a firm believer that there are ALWAYS answers. They just aren't always so readily coming forth.
Feelings trump events. Feelings are real. Acknowledge what he is feeling, then proceed forward.
I think it helps to discuss what is going on with others close to your dad so they can help support the reality of what is happening. If he tells them how awful you are and they seem to support his point of view. . . it will only feed his false belief. My brother telling me what happened allowed me to calm my dad down by telling him all that was requested was that he wipe off the dirty counter. It helps for my dad to hear things from more then one person so that the reality can sink in better. He may choose to believe whatever he wants to believe, but he doesn't get the chance to get all worked up over it because others don't support his claim.
Get copies of the canceled checks from the bank and show your dad. Make copies for him if you want to, but make sure you keep the original from the bank because you may need to provide the proof many times.
I'm not sure why your dad knows your retirement account balance or why he thinks he has rights to it, but you should be very careful of giving too much away. It is wonderful that you are supporting your dad, but what are you going to do when you are older and are in need? It may sound selfish to some, but you can not forgo plans to care for yourself. . . don't give more then you have to give.
I'm not sure when or how to make the decision to take away a parents rights so they can be cared for and don't harm themselves, but this is something my brother and I are facing ourselves.
Best of luck to you in this trying time.