You are entitled to a life too. My dad does the same thing. Watches for us. Mom and I visit most days but we also set limits with him and tell him we can't come every day

hello, good morning this is my humble opinion..please ignore if I do not make sense. elderly parents since they do not do anything or have any activity or tasks to do..hey have lot of time and hence they tend to wait on the people they love when they are away. In addition to that, since their minds are kind of free regarding other tasks..they tend to observe very closely the caregivers body language and facial expressions and I feel they are very sensitive to those things. The reason Iam mention alkl these are: when u went to visit your mom and you planned to spend only a little time and ended up staying for long..its understandable for anyone..during those situations..we humans tend to finish the task at hand fast so that we need to tend to some other tasks. SInce elderly are sensitive to our actions/body languaguae easily ..your mom may have sensed that you ae focused on other tasks and hence even though u did puzzle and a walk and etc..she may have felt that you are in a hurry to go out from there..due to these things also.,.they ay get angry with you next time u visit or even during the time u spending with them.

I know it is very difficult regarding this caregiving journey..hence you can do whatever time u are spending with them in a relaxed way ..its not the number of tasks you do with them..but how you spend the time with whatever the tasks/activities u do with them that counts..if it is posible(again...I am not telling you doing in a hurry..but elderly are more senitive to even slightest expressions I feel.)
another thing is..although I se ur message you having busy days etc etc..is it possible to slowly create a routine regarding visits to ur mom ...so slowly once u have that routine on a regular basis..you can plan all ur other tasks accordingly. This way..ur mind is relaxed and focused too that during so and so time in a day..u are doing certain thins with ur mom etc etc..and also..if possible..create a routine that you regularly visit for around the same period of time too..since sometimes..if we have more time..we spend more time..if we do not have time..we may skip on that day altogether..rather than that..create a routine so ur mom will slowly start feeling that spending time is one of your regular priority etc etc. just my thoughts.

also, my prayers for yo, your mom also hope God sends you people His grace so you will able to handle caring for ur mom in the midst of all ur other schedules as well.
Regards.

As they age, they regress backward toward their younger years. You have to approach mom as you would a young child. There is nothing wrong with limits and boundaries. You can tell mom that you only have a few minutes today when you arrive. Then she is warned before and you have done the best that you can.
You don't want to exhaust yourself to the point where your visits are no longer plesant for you. memories are important from this time of life as well as others.

Try to think of mom as you would a child of about 5 years old. No one would expect to stop getting things done while entertaining a child. The adults would not feel bad for getting work done.

You are not trying to be mean. But there does come a point where you must do the normal things that we all do to live our lives. If mom were not ill, she would appreciate this.

In one facility where I volunteer, a former school teacher asks the same question every time you pass her. If you engage by answering her question, she then proceeds to tell the same three stories over and over. In the course of getting things done, I might pass by her every minute during a certain period. She starts over each time at the top of her "routine".
She is not tryingt to be difficult although it is difficult for caregivers who feel they must stop eAch time and talk with her because she never lets anyone pass without engaging with them.

bh that was beautifully well said in deed you are blessed with true compassion for others and are able to reach deep within and see the truth that is not usually seen on the surface. god bless

want mom back i am glad that you decided to change your mind and spend more time with mom those moments you spend with mom will in the end be the most memorable long after she is gone. and to sacrifice ones time for another is even more greater in the eyes of god then all the riches and friends in this world can give.


god bless

The greatest compassion for others that we show is when we do what we need to care for ourselves first. Then we have energy and strength to spend time and effort really honestly sharing ourselves with others. No one can function from constant total sacrifice without eventually wearing out and then feeling put upon. Mom will sit for you from the moment you leave as long as she knows that guilt will force you to return despite total exhaustion. Then her days will be filled with trying to simply conrol that you do rather than actually thrive in the facility where she is presently. The most loving is to ensure you do the work that you need to do for you and your family first. Then visits with mom will stop involving stress. She will feel that you are at more peace and that will make those visits much more valuable for her and you.

Here is a great site with lots of info to help:
http://www.caring.com/articles/stages-of-alzheimers

hello again wantmom, This is my humble opinion..please ignore if this does not make sense. just want to mention that please do not assume anything at all regarding anything. please do not assume that your mom may make you feel guilty or controlling you through guilt. I feel, most of the time, its related to having lost the control over things the people once had and the aging process and the illness makes any human being vulnerable. So, the person or the parent may feel the need unintentionally to control the people they love closely since the human tendency is that once a person loses control..they feel they are losing respect as well from their loved ones. Once u reciprocate their feelings of control or whatever you call it..slowly they will feel that their respect is not threatened and that helps the relationship between the caregiver and the elderly in a gentle and beautiful way. However..having said this..if you still feel that the parents are making u feel guilty..please do not take any of those feelings personally. everyone of us get obviously angry and irritated when one suffers with pain at the situation since we humans do not know how to show anger towards the situation..we tend to get angry or irritated with the closest people we love. These feeling go with any human beings and not only with the elderly parents. once you do not take our parents emotions personally and just show them love ...slowly..(I know it doe snot happen suddenly or fast), then our minds and hearts will be filled with calmness and patience. Once our minds are relaxed, we will be in a better position to care for others.

Also, please do whatever you can and leave the rest to God. God directs us to he best path. Its great and wonderful if the the person has the family to help and support and assist that helps to care for ones parents. In case if the family is not supportive..only thing you can do is..we can do whatever possible from our side and leave the rest to God and I am sure everything will be fine.
My prayers that God fills ur heart with love and forgiveness and compassion instead of analyzing whether the parent is making u feel guilty or etc etc..which I hope will lessen our mental agitation leading to calmness by God's grace.
Regards.
bh

love means sacrificing those things that make you comfortable to make others happy and content. there is nothing better than giving up ones comfort for the comfort of another when you see joy in the eyes of the one whom you sacrificed for it is treasure for the heart.
time is a sacrifice..........................
god bless

The meaning of compassion is to recognize the suffering of others and through action we do what is within our power to relieve that suffering that we see and feel in others. compassion is not taking care of ourselves first. that is self love. it does nothing to relieve the sufferings of the one who is suffering.

god bless

It is always hard to let loved ones face natural consequences. But true love demands that we have expectations the we are treated with courtesy and respect. Setting the example that everyone deserves respect by expecting for ones self is the most loving thing that you can do for your mother.

She is in a good situation where she will never end up all alone at homne laying on the floor with no way to call for help because a single lone cargiver is out of the house. She does not have to worry that her lone caregiver will get in a car accident while doing the shopping and she will be left all alone to struggle. She has fresh nurses each shift in numbers sufficient to help her without having to wait for emergency services to arrive.

Try to focus on these good things that mean mom is being cared for properly. The guilt is only going to cause more and more exhaustion. No one can do it all alone 24/7 and not end up putting their demtia loved one at some risk. Every human being needs rest, sleep, and time to recharge in order to face trying issues each day.

You have the God given right to take time to care for your immediate family and protect them first. Mother has special caregivers who have given their careers to know exactly what she needs so you can enjoy these years with her. Less stress for you means more pleasant visits for her.

How would she feel if she knew you were feeling this exhausted and stressed all the time? Is this what she would want for her loved daughter if she were not mentally struggling right now? I am sure mom wants you to do the things you need to do and would never want to cause you pain. Try to remember her lovingly and be at peace with caring for yourself so you have peaceful times with mom. Then she will find more peace as well. She is not going to benefit from you stressing yourself into illness.

Write letters and send cards, even if these have never been your preferred modes of communication. She'll likely find it easier to follow what you're talking about if she can review something on paper at her leisure.
Another good way to say hello is to send photos with labels on the back that identify everyone in the picture. In addition to pictures of family members, send images of your home, your new dog, a re-covered sofa, a vacation, and other experiences that tell about your life.

Mood changes and personality alterations become more obvious, especially late in the day or when he or she is tired. He or she may become distrustful of loved ones, including you, or make unfounded accusations. Anxiety is common and is sometimes expressed by rummaging through drawers, aggressive behavior, yelling, or wandering through or away from the house. Hallucinations or delusions occur. Depression is a risk, often characterized by changes in appetite and sleep habits (he or she may be a lot hungrier or less hungry than usual, for example, or sleep much more or less than usual).

The more you know about the disease process, the better you will be able to understand that no amount of visiting will change the disease for the better. She is going to wait for you from the moment you leave no matter how often you visit or how long you stay! The greatest gift you can give to mom is to be rested and fresh while visiting so each visit is filled with peace.

Compassion means caring for ourselve first so that we have energy, and strength to care for others. The world claims this is selfish in order to put others in a place of confusion so they never are allowed to have any rest. It is totally selfish to exhaust ourselves to the point of needing emergency services to assist us and ending up in hospital from failing to provide self care.

A perfect example is when flight attendants tell everyone to put their own oxygen mask on FIRST, then once they care for themselves to reach out to others. If we ignore our own needs, we pass out. Then we can not assist others AND we become a liability to everyone else. taking care of others while never properly caring for ourselves draws attention to our "heroics" rather than actually being able to provide real assistance to others. Just like the airplane, once we exhaust ourselves, we become a liabilty to our loved ones and society.
Real compassion for others requires that we care for ourselves so we have all we need to go out into the world and make a difference without becoming a danger and liability to others. With elderly parents it is even more necessary to take time to care for our own needs. Then we are at peace when we care for our parents.

One must always provide adequate self care first before being able to care for others. It would do the elder parent no good at all to refuse to take care of our health until we are too ill to provide company. It does mother no good to ignore your need to eat. It does mother no good to ignore your need for adequate rest each night.
Reading your post, I can see that you honestly care about mother. So you are doing the best you can to provide company. Try and set the time limit with mother, restate it ever five minutes so she is not depending on her damaged memory. Remain calm when it is time to leave, repeat loving words to reassure her, and remind her of your next visit. Giving in to staying ignores your own need and appointment schedule. That stress is transmitted to mother and causes her stress. Your plans are as necessary for mother's well being as they are for yours since you can not provide company unless you eat and sleep. Even getting the car maintained is necessary so you can travel to the facility for visits. There is nothing wrong with spending time doing things that you enjoy so you have energy to spend with mother.

There is no greater gift then love itself............................

god bless

I am so sorry- My mother did the same thing when she was in the hospital and now she does it some since she has been home ( making me feel guilty for not spending more time with her). This was really hard for me to deal with- all the guilt. My therapist said I had to take some time for myself though. She even said that I shouldn't feel pressured into going everyday. We have to take care of ourselves also. I know it seems selfish but we just have to or we won't be any good for them if we are suffering from total burnout. I feel exactly like you do as far as want my mom back. It is so sad.

self love is me first you last and when i get finished with the things that please me and if i have a little extra left over then i will pay attention to you but i have to feel good first before i can give some of that to you...............

true compassion is i recognize your suffering , i feel your suffering i share in your sufferings with you because i love you above all things even more than myself................i will walk through this fire with you and share in your suffering because i love you and will not leave you................god bless

god bless