Caring For Aging Parents Support Group
Caring for aging parents can be a difficul time as we become the caretakers for our parents. This broad responsibility can encompass such services as assisted living, adult day care, long term care, nursing homes, hospice care, and in-home care. Whether you have just started caring for your parents or just need a place to talk, we're here.
Does depression just go along with getting old? It's such a tough thing to deal with at times. E.g., I just mentioned at the breakfast table that we were calling our SMALL sitting room our "entertainment cave" now that we got our Wii game and TV monitor set up there. We had made jokes about it being Layne's "man cave" or what it actually was, a "ladies' sitting room" in this almost 100 yr old house. To us, the "entertainment cave" is rather a funny turn of phrase... but she just frowned and shook her head. It's so very hard to get even a smile out of her, let alone a laugh.
I try so hard to cheer her up but nothing seems to work. For one thing, she's sooo deaf now that mostly she just doesn't hear what is said unless I really raise & project my voice - AND look her in the face (so she can lip-read, I suspect). Much of the time she just sits on the sofa and groans with each breath, altho' she says she's not in pain when sitting.
It gets me down. It gets old trying to talk with her, have any sort of upbeat conversation. Only when she is at her job at the Visitor's Center (yes, she still works 1-day-a-wk at age 94!!) does she put on a little bit of a happy face. I'm sure that's just for the visitors' sake.
Anyway, this is just venting... many of you have it MUCH worse than I do and I am very aware that I'm lucky in many ways.
I try so hard to cheer her up but nothing seems to work. For one thing, she's sooo deaf now that mostly she just doesn't hear what is said unless I really raise & project my voice - AND look her in the face (so she can lip-read, I suspect). Much of the time she just sits on the sofa and groans with each breath, altho' she says she's not in pain when sitting.
It gets me down. It gets old trying to talk with her, have any sort of upbeat conversation. Only when she is at her job at the Visitor's Center (yes, she still works 1-day-a-wk at age 94!!) does she put on a little bit of a happy face. I'm sure that's just for the visitors' sake.
Anyway, this is just venting... many of you have it MUCH worse than I do and I am very aware that I'm lucky in many ways.
Well, boy, did she get hot under the collar in a hurry, saying Why should I give myself a break? People shouldn't do that," or something to that effect.
Let's just say she is not aging gracefully....
Shoot I am 65 and already pretty pissed off and depressed about the aging process.
I try hard not to show it or take it out on others but it is damn hard at times.
Maybe you are trying to hard to cheer your Mom up? Maybe back away a bit and see what happens?
I just wish my mom could adopt a more "happy" countenance and count her blessings - because she is really lucky to be in such good overall health, despite pain. And damn it, she is lucky that Layne and I care enough to be here with her doing so many of the things that are difficult/painful/impossible for her. Maybe I just feel unappreciated because of her dour mood so much of the time.
Sometimes doesn't even make sense. one day she told me that she thought I would know what she needs without her telling me, I responded that I cant read her mind, then she got mad, didn't talked to me for a whole day
Penny, my MIL is 92. Her hearing is bad, but hearing aids make a big difference.
BTW, here is a bit of insight into hearing loss. I've lost a lot of hearing in my right ear. For me my right ear sounds like a speaker with a torn speaker cone, and making it louder is just like turning up the volume on a broken speaker.
I have no problem speaking loudly to her, sometimes we have "yelling matches" where we are just compensating for each other's hearing issues!
If you can accept the need for speaking loudly as just a fact of life for her, it may soften her mood. And yours too!
I would check out a few things with mom's doctor. Tell the doctor privately (notes going into the exam work great) that mom seems depressed. He can run blood work to look for vitamin deficiencies or infections that might cause mood changes. He can test hearing which can bring on all kinds of problems. Mom might not understand what you are saying and get upset thinking you are laughing at her.
Another thing we tend to forget is exercise and sun light are very important to wellbeing. Just a walk around the block in the sun can change everything.
Congnition changes can be a factor too. Mom might not be as quick as she used to be. Your joke might not make sense to her any more. She might need more time to comprehend. Also word recognition can be a problem. Watch mom carefully while you talk to see if you spot confusion or loss of interest. The doctor needs to know about any changes but you can also change how you talk to mom to compensate for any losses.
And make mom part of things. It sounds like you want to make her feel part of this entertainment room. Think of what would make her feel special. If she would like the idea of an elegant ladies parlor then let her help with decorating.
Figuring out our parents is a lot like figuring out young children. They can't always tell us what they want or are feeling. I don't mean it disrespectfully but it's a lot like dealing with a baby.
I DO try to choose my words carefully... but sometimes I speak before I think. Today, I realized I had no pasta for the Stroganoff I was cooking because (despite her hesitation even then) I had given our small box of pasta to the mailman collecting for the poor. Today when that came up, Mother said well, I thought that was a mistake. I just lost it... I said something like What? A mistake to give a 49 cent box of pasta to the poor?? We can totally afford to buy another box of pasta, We need to be generous and we "are our brother's keeper." She was just silent and I felt bad for going off on her... but honestly! How can she be so petty, selfish?
Still... she is so much easier to live with, deal with, than some of the folks on this forum. I feel bad even to complain... but it's a good place to vent with even the small stuff. Thanks all...