Caring For Aging Parents Support Group
Caring for aging parents can be a difficul time as we become the caretakers for our parents. This broad responsibility can encompass such services as assisted living, adult day care, long term care, nursing homes, hospice care, and in-home care. Whether you have just started caring for your parents or just need a place to talk, we're here.
My sister and my Mom are oil and water. Yet, Mom is her mother and never closes the door no matter what my sister slings at her. Great. (sigh)
My sister has been sending pages of emails with manic episodes. I have been involved with this in the past only to be a pawn in her games.
So I choose to stay out of it. Except for now, Mom is a target again and wont keep from getting into the emails and accusations. It has a physical effect on Mom and is really not good for her. Plus, I feel it is elder abuse but Mom goes looking for it. (by habit)
My sister has a serious mental illness and takes medications. On top of this, add the terrible things in life that can come a person's way and the mix is explosive and abusive. I tried to suggest looking for middle ground with her problems and she went off. I got out of it by pretending not to understand her points and drawing conclusions on a different context to her words. She decided to back off and not recapitulate her insults and remarks. I have had no contact with her since. 4 days of rest..SHEW.
I now face needing to serve her paperwork, from Mom's attorneys office, removing her from the list of trustees that Mom can choose. Mom is executing this as her right but the trust says the changes have to be made known to those removed(so they know they no longer have a possible legal tie to Moms care and estate).
Mom is of "enough" sound mind to do this. My sister can not remember often so even though Mom told her verbally it will not suffice for recall.
One of our brothers is also removed so not certain what he will do. He remains estranged from the family. Thus, Moms decision to remove him.
It leaves Moms trusted two children as Trustee candidates, naming me as the primary (which I accepted 4 years ago). The brother is so so with communication. He thinks I should sell all properties and move away asap from out sister and her kids to have some peace in my life. He knows about Mom and the dementia but had his FIL and his tour of duty was fulfilled.
Finally a bottom line... Do I just proceed with the paper serving part at holidays? Maybe using the anniversary of my Dads death as a
"house keeping" on the books? Do I really need an excuse?
There is no waiting for sister to calm then serve her paperwork because...well.. it does not seem to happen anymore. I just need a certified mail to know she got the communication then it is complete on my end.
Any ideas on how to do business with manic relatives. Sounds like a joke but I am unfortunately so serious.
P
My sister has been sending pages of emails with manic episodes. I have been involved with this in the past only to be a pawn in her games.
So I choose to stay out of it. Except for now, Mom is a target again and wont keep from getting into the emails and accusations. It has a physical effect on Mom and is really not good for her. Plus, I feel it is elder abuse but Mom goes looking for it. (by habit)
My sister has a serious mental illness and takes medications. On top of this, add the terrible things in life that can come a person's way and the mix is explosive and abusive. I tried to suggest looking for middle ground with her problems and she went off. I got out of it by pretending not to understand her points and drawing conclusions on a different context to her words. She decided to back off and not recapitulate her insults and remarks. I have had no contact with her since. 4 days of rest..SHEW.
I now face needing to serve her paperwork, from Mom's attorneys office, removing her from the list of trustees that Mom can choose. Mom is executing this as her right but the trust says the changes have to be made known to those removed(so they know they no longer have a possible legal tie to Moms care and estate).
Mom is of "enough" sound mind to do this. My sister can not remember often so even though Mom told her verbally it will not suffice for recall.
One of our brothers is also removed so not certain what he will do. He remains estranged from the family. Thus, Moms decision to remove him.
It leaves Moms trusted two children as Trustee candidates, naming me as the primary (which I accepted 4 years ago). The brother is so so with communication. He thinks I should sell all properties and move away asap from out sister and her kids to have some peace in my life. He knows about Mom and the dementia but had his FIL and his tour of duty was fulfilled.
Finally a bottom line... Do I just proceed with the paper serving part at holidays? Maybe using the anniversary of my Dads death as a
"house keeping" on the books? Do I really need an excuse?
There is no waiting for sister to calm then serve her paperwork because...well.. it does not seem to happen anymore. I just need a certified mail to know she got the communication then it is complete on my end.
Any ideas on how to do business with manic relatives. Sounds like a joke but I am unfortunately so serious.
P
Mom is miserable because she wants to change the beneficiaries and her attorney said that my sibs can contest and restore the "original " trust after she passes. Now, she wants to spend her money and I am worrying that there wont be any for future care. Sigh, will this stress ever give me a day off :)
P
Sorry, that sounded very blunt and I did not it mean to sound that way.
The best thing, in my opinion, would be to leave the will alone. If mom tried to spend wrecklessly I would remind her that this will only give your siblings reason to say she is crazy. Unless she wants them in her business she needs to just be herself.
What did the lawyer say about her changing the beneficiaries on the other accounts? That sounds like it could really be a mess. She might need to change that back.
The Trustee list is what will be modified to leave only one son, one daughter ( I ) and attorney will send letters. The beneficiaries use to contain all my sibs and their kids. He said it was reasonable to remove her grandchildren but not her children (who were entitled to larger shares anyway.
As for retirement annuities, she can draw them out at anytime. Pays higher estimated tax payments of course and will have less income. So, it depends how she wants to deal with it. Will have to do something with the cash to keep medicaid from being a PIA. She wants solar panels on the house. I want a coffee can in the backyard under the dog house :)
I am somewhat better at ease even though the lawyer warned me about the two sibs wanted to cut out. I will make them pay to speak to this attorney if there are questions. He told me I don't have to answer anything to them if I so choose.
Have not heard back yet about all this. Will know more this week
P
Technically any gift to each individual more than 15,000 must be reported and mom would pay a gift tax on it. So oil changes, tires, etc would all be added up by person. Is the irs going to check her receipts, nope. And doing that is easier to hide than say a check. They do monitor bank accounts and banks are required to report checks over a certain amount (thank you patriot act). I like the idea, however mom needs to remember that Medicare looks back five to seven years. Not sure how she is getting Medicaid if she has retirement accounts. And what happens if she spends down all this ones and needs nursing care? Is she willing to accept this reality?
I would recommend that you and mom keep exact records of what she gives or spends to each grandchild. You don't need to show anyone but if the subs ever tried to say you influenced mom you could show what their kids received. Also encourage mom to use charge cards for all her purchases so you have records. Withdrawing cash and making it disappear under the dog house is just what the sibs will be looking for.
Also be prepared for a firestorm when those letters go out. But direct all questions to the lawyer.
I am hoping she forgets about all of this. We are just getting to lower estimated tax payments beginning April 2014. (because she took out some of it and had higher income and lower income...sigh).
I keep trying to remind her that we will need money at this home with her in it. She is OK with it but has to be reminded of course !