Oh dear! What a mess!

Not sure I can be helpful but here goes!

Do you need an excuse? No.

What is a good time to do it? Never.

Sounds like you have a lawyer. I would take the lawyers advice.

sometimes you just gotta take the bull by the horns.!

Put them in the mail today!! It's a month to Thanksgiving and two months to Christmas. No need to wait and the sooner the better.

No explanation either. If they have questions they can call her lawyer. I would let mom know after you have mailed the letters in case they try to contact her. Just a simple "oh by the way I sent out those letters the lawyer gave me".

By all means get it out quickly. TroJan is right, there is never a good time. The sooner you get the letter out, the sooner it will all be over.

Gentle hugs, I know this must be very hard for you to do.

At least Mom will pay attorney to make changes by meeting w him. This way, it can be from her mouth and not look as though I influenced her.
She told me she also chaned beneficiuaries. Yikes. Now there is only one. Guess who. Then she tells me she lied to the sibs and said there is no money. That is not so. I suppose she knows them well enough to think the lie is needed. I wonder if it is their business?

I have been wondering if when Mom dies if the sibs are entitled to reviewing the trust and financial information. Another question for the atty.
What a mess. At least Mom is alive and willing to work this out. If I can only keep her cool until tue (appt).
I am stressed but still taking care. Went to my water arobics and will interview for new job tomorrow. Gotta keep my focus.
Thanks for reinforcing the key points.
Hugs
P

Ok. This might sound nutty but have you ever thought of dragging The Momster to water aerobics with you?

The key to everything is whether mom is of sound mind legally. The lawyer has the responsibility to swear to this when she changes any papers. There is a requirement in some states to notify anyone who was named as a trustee or executor if you remove them. Really don't understand that part since you don't have to tell them when you name them....

As to changing the will or terms of the trust, if mom is competent she can do anything she wants with her assets. However if she already moved assets into the trust she would have to be the trustee to make changes.

Of course the practical issue of changing her wishes is different. Will these people she cut out fight it? Do they have the money and intelligence to fight it? Does mom have enough money at stake that a lawyer might take the case on contingency? Meaning it's unlikely anyone would fight for $1,000 but if there share would have been $100,000 you can find an ambulance chaser who will take a chance.

Funny that you have this going on right now. My mom called me yesterday to say she thinks I deserve compensation for taking over her personal paperwork and coordinating all her things as well as being trustee of her and my late father's trusts. In the past my parents did not feel that compensation was necessary. I told mom yesterday that it was sweet that she wanted to but it would cause huge problems to try to make changes at this point. My brother wouldn't care but my sister would. I scared mom by telling her my sister would want to get involved if there was pay for doing this....last thing mom wants is her involved in her business.

If your lawyer has letters for you to send out it sounds like mom has already made the changes. If you have the opportunity to talk with the lawyer ask him about the possible implications of the changes mom is making. Let him give mom the senarios. The last thing you want is to spend years and dollars fighting over money.

There is one very predictable side effect of unequal inheritances.

Bitterness that can linger for decades.

It is possible that your mom's actions will doom future relations with your siblings. In some cases here that could be a good thing, in other cases it could be a bad thing. We just need to be aware that it is a possibility.

Pepper makes a good point. But I am getting the feeling the issues you have with your sibs are pretty much beyond repair already.

Trust your gut first and then your lawyer.

Hold your head high and do what you have to do.

No matter what you do you not only will not please everybody but will likely not please ANYBODY!

Good luck and keep us posted!

Tigg, I so get the accepting a fee portion. I say this, if you cant share a family meal comfortably then keep money away from the table..or maybe just under if needed LOL :)

As for Mom and dementia. When she sleeps, eats, takes meds, and uses O2 at night and day PRN...then we have clarity. Slow at times. Some confusion for recall but NOT like a hallucination or thinking it is 1875.
She lapses in and out of her problems but the main issue is the blockage in her arterial walls restricting blood flow (why we use O2 and blood thinners). It is common elderly. Vascular Dementia with early ALZ . Still, she can write checks and do her bills.

Mom has a history of some undefined mental issues. Nonetheless has remained "high functioning" in this state of mind. She had this issue when the lawyer met her in 1995. So if he took note then he will be looking for this in your face kind woman which she still can be. Also, I have been the number one choice for Mom and Dad independently. He will see continuity in this I hope.

The trust says the the surviving Trust Maker is the only who can make changes. Also that he or she may remove Trustees from the list or even primary caregiver without reason at anytime (something like this).
Just that the person being changed from any list be notified.
Hence the letter needed for the sibs.

Yes, worried about this change to beneficiaries re two of my sibs. She is allowed to do this and has changed it with her company who holds the annuities (which are not a lot but will be handy for home care if/when etc for the first week lol).

Here is the catch. The estranged brother is an attorney who wrote my parents off years ago. Verbally accosted my mother for her failures as a parent when he was an adult no less. So, it had been 11 years since they spoke to or heard from him. Until Dad was dying, and he came to his bedside for a few days. "Hallmark".
Then he came back quickly after Dad dies to say he would always be here for us (mom/me) and said don't hesitate ask if we needed anything. When she asked for a one week loan he screamed at her about why she wanted the cash and etc. In other words, he is highly unstable. Sure, successful in his world but his parents are toxic to him.

So, will he be the thorn in my side along with my sister? Probably. They are bossy and out of control. They have a lot to be afraid of though. They are worse than Mom or Dad ever were. Good luck with that :)

PS You get the feeling correctly about my not having a close tie with sibs. I am the youngest and had to clean up the mess plus endured way more of my parents than they did... but find it is not productive to count past traumas and emotional scars. I want to be as far from their mania as possible. It wears me out. Big Sigh :)

My "Family of choice" continues to be close people not related whom I have known and cared about for years. I love them dearly and they are my people who help me care for my Mom. None are related biologically to her. How off is this?

Sorry for the rant but it comes with legal pressure for me.

Sigh
P

That did not sound "ranty" to me. it sounded well written and logical.

What do you plan to do next?

By all means, never apologize for a rant here. We ALL need to vent (or rant!) about things.

Hugs

I could out rant you in a NY minute so you can always vent to me :)

So I'm confused still. Did mom already make the changes to her will, both trustee list and beneficiary, or is that a lawyer visit still to come? Or did she split it somehow? It sounded like you had the letters already which would mean she changed the trustee.

As to beneficiaries, well it sounds like we have similar families. For me it is a bat-shit crazy sister and a passive brother with an aggressive wife. My sister has already stolen a tremendous amount of money from my parents and grandparents. And she tried last year to get ahold of my parents money. It took a good slap down(do not piss me off) to get her to back off and she still lied about it. She did it again last December and again after that. I'm sure when my mom is sick she will try again. I already have plans in place for when mom passes because this is the kind of person who will break in to her home to steal things.

I wouldn't waste time worrying about the future. Just make sure the lawyer has done everything correctly.

First, thank you for reading through all of "that" from me and encouraging me to have a voice.

As for the Trustee and Beneficiaries. Mom changed this information already with the "bank" as she calls them (retirement and investment company). Not YET with the lawyer. I could not get her to listen to me about why she needed to do this (lawyer). I re-read the passage of the trust until she was willing to accept the terms. A simple addendum can be drawn up but as you said the attorney must back this up and notice given. He chose to see her in person. Once this is complete I will rest a tad easier.

Interesting point in the trust. Mom and Dad wrote that if anyone complains then they are entitled to nothing. The attorney wrote this in so it must be legally binding. Let us hope :)

I will make a list to be certain moms interests and mine are protected.

She is still so mad at me over spending her money with this useless appointment. I figure, since she is mad anyway might as well spend all needed to make this secure.

Tigg, my sister was demanding to read the Trust recently. Everyone had access when Mom and Dad made it years ago. Not sure if they are entitled at this point. Can not imagine what you have to watch with your sister. How awful to have your Mom nervous over a child.

Thank all of you from my heart
Peaceful

This is from wills.about.com

2. Include a No Contest Clause in Your Estate Plan

A no contest clause, also called an in terrorem clause, is a provision that you can include in your will or revocable living trust which states that if anyone files a lawsuit to challenge who you have provided for in your estate plan, then the person challenging the will or trust will receive nothing from your estate. This can be a powerful deterrent to someone who is receiving what they perceive to be less than their fair share of your estate - OK, go ahead and file a will contest, but if you lose then you will get absolutely nothing. But be careful in relying on this type of clause because in some states, including California and Florida, they are uneforceable, and in other states there are exceptions that can render the clause useless.


Yes there can be nocontest clauses but.... it's not as perfect as it seems. First it's not accepted in all states. Second if someone is completely out of the will they have nothing to lose except legal fees. And if they can prove to the court that you influenced mom or that mom was not competent then they could win. That's why the lawyer is so important. He is an officer of the court and can testify that he interviewed your mother and was confident in her faculties.

The good part is that if someone contests the trust then the trustee can use the money to defend the trust. Unless they try to sue you individually for influencing her....did anyone tell you what a PITA it is to be a trustee?

Beneficiaries is an interesting subject. They aren;t covered under inheritance since they are a direct inheritance. And if they are retirement funds then you can inherit and keep them growing as a retirement fund. Just remember you pay the income tax when they are taken out.

When is your appt with the lawyer? You should also talk to him about the other funds that she has changed. Make sure there is no problem chaning those. He might have some suggestions about protecting you. And this is a good time to guilt your mom. I tell mine all the time that I'll be cursing her someday when I have to deal with all this...heck I'm cursing her already :) I told her if I have to hire security guards to protect me I'm charging it to the trust. Actually not that funny since we think my sister may have tried to drug/hurt mom twice now.

Another word of advice when dealing with lawyers...ask lots of questions and take notes. And don't be afraid to question what they say and research it yourself. I've found a few mistakes that were made over the years. The worst were when they tried to make changes to previous documents..it's easy to make mistakes.

OMG Tigg, your sister tried to drug/hurt your Mother? Ah. Can not imagine. Well yes I can, My sister is very hurtful over her childhood.
And Mom takes her on sometimes. Maybe for sport at this point :)

Also, thank you for the research on the trust subject. I am reading up on this before the appt. It is WED. Will record it with my phone if he allows. Hope so to be better focused on answers.

I just changed employment to consolidate my time. Longer hours , fewer work days. So I am up reading about this when I should be sleeping. I have to get up at 6AM now. Have not done this in years.

Thanks again all for your input

Big smiles and hugs
P