Big hug for you Ann..... I am so sorry you're hurting..... These times are so painful....

He simply wants to go home and he thinks that he can if he has some help.... I would be concerned with finances if he hires someone who isn't reputable

Do you have Power of Attorney??

I don't know if it's within your power to manage where he lives and that can be the pain of it

If he's essentially within sound mind he can make this choice even if it isn't a good choice.... I hear your frustration...… I went through a lot of frustration at times as well

I'm sorry that this is triggering painful memories

Another hug..... xo

I do have power of attorney, that helps. He is of sound mind, so he has a right to change anything he wants at any time.
Just wish there was an easy button.

He may be of sound mind, however, is he capable of handling his finances properly, taking care of himself properly?

If you are taking care of him and his bills once a month, then that shows he's needing help.

It's really hard when the parent needs help to find help that is trustworthy.

It's really hard when you have home in one place and to him, home is remote like that.

Having family out of state makes it even more difficult to manage.

Best wishes as you decide what to do for your well-being and take care of business with your dad through this challenging time.

@annj30 how viable is the option to move him in with you?
There's a lot of risk hiring help for him, a friend of mine recently got burned by a helper his dad hired (to take care of the dad, similar age as yours). Is there a church you or he have any ties too?
As for the stress, try and remember that this situation isn't your fault. There aren't any "good" options or outcomes; merely the "less bad" ones. You're doing fine and making the best of it. God speed.

I guess I would ask if you are his guardian and can control his decisions and where he lives. If you are financial power of attorney and/or medical power of attorney these may be different where you live. It might help to seek a legal opinion from an attorney who handles probate or elder issues. My other thought is of course he wants to go home and back to his independent days. Whether or not this is feasible is the question. It is not unusual for elders to talk about going home from the facility and tell everyone every thing like he is doing. You can ask the local paper not to run his ads. Try not to take this personally, it is not about him being ungrateful. He just wants to be in charge again or has dementia. It is not about you. You may have to tell him stuff to calm him down. Next month he can go and then next month It’s next month again and you are working on it. Trailer needs plumbing work, there was a flood, etc. That is if he lacks capacity. Like fudging the truth. You may also have to get guardianship. Unless he has capacity to make his own decisions. Take care of you, cut back on what is not important. Don’t visit the property if it’s draining you and not worth much. And know it takes about 3 months for many residents to settle in and quit wanting to go home. If there is a social worker at the facility, talk to this person about how the facility sees his capacity. Also talk to his doctor about your concerns. It could be they will not allow him to leave without your permission but find this out. If he is totally dependent for his ADLs, or a two person assist, he won’t be going back to the property Would be my guess even though he is talking it up. If he has capacity and does manage to go back, you can see if your adult protective services agency will get involved. It is really hard trying to take care of and love them well. Be good to you and take care of you also. It is okay to Not do so much.

IAnnj30 I am sorry you are having so many issues with your Dad. I agree with mid it is really hard to find trustworthy people to take care of your parent. If he in his sound mind can leave where he is, it sounds counterproductive to your efforts to have him in assisted living. It sounds to me you did the best you could.. if he can leave and go back to the ranch, I agree with urban gardener you may have to get elder protective services involved.

An update with my Dad.
Due to the stay at home orders, he has calmed down some. He really wanted to leave when the facility put restrictions in due to Covid-19. He hasn't mentioned leaving the last few phone calls.
I did explain that going home wasn't going to happen over night, that there was a lot of work that needed to be done before he could live at home again. He seemed to accept that for now. Also, we have to give a 30 day notice to move out, he hasn't taken that upon himself to do.
I believe he wants to go home, but on some level knows he can't. It doesn't make it easy on me, because I am torn. I would love to take him home, but I know he wouldn't be safe. I have taken him for visits, each time he ends up in the hospital.
I did have one sister call and talk to him, he hasn't mentioned the call to me. She did explain to him he needs to stay where he is. I had the facility explain to him that for our peace of mind, he was where he needed to be. I really hope that helps once things start to get back to normal.
Thanks again for all the feedback.
One moment, one hour, one day at a time.!

You are really a good daughter. I think continuing to talk to him about how he feels, how he might miss his independence, could possibly calm him down some. If he has dementia of some kind, he may fixate on moving home just because this is how his brain is working. It is okay to kind of make up stuff with him and let him know you are working on it. And yes, do let him make the 30 day notice to move out. I would not even mention it to him. I think you are 100% right that he knows he can't go home and this is the difficult thing he has to reconcile with and accept. It is hard not being independent, isn't it or you miss being able to drive (or walk or feed himself) are phrases I used with my FIL over and over. You are so wise to take this one phone call and one day at a time. It is funny or ironic how one day they can be so upset and demanding this or that and the next day they have totally forgotten. We get upset, we try to accommodate them, or we think we have to give into their wishes. And then tomorrow it is forgotten. Loving Hard to Love Parents helped me understand this was okay and not to stress so much. Hugs to you.

I have faced similar but Dad needs too much care. With age they deteriorate more. My sister and I decided he needed care so don’t feel guilty. Take everything in prayer. Visit as much as possible. Prayers for you!

my dad is living alone at 87. i am not close to him really becuase he abused me when growoing up although i have offered help. he refuses. ok, then, dad. i guess i don't care as much about him considering his treatment of me.
mom wants to go home too but it's not safe. for now she is staying with family.
i think the main thing is that they don't like being put in assisted living places. they want to be in either a regular home, either theirs or with family. i kind of don't blame them. those placed can really suck but yiea, there are not good choices. you just have to do the best you can.
you are doing more than your share. you sibs should be helping out more.
take care. you are doing a good job.