Caring For Aging Parents Support Group
Caring for aging parents can be a difficul time as we become the caretakers for our parents. This broad responsibility can encompass such services as assisted living, adult day care, long term care, nursing homes, hospice care, and in-home care. Whether you have just started caring for your parents or just need a place to talk, we're here.
My mom moved in with me and my husband a year and a half ago and I’m having some difficult times right now.
A brief backstory…I’m the youngest of 10 children and I grew up in a dysfunctional family. We had the same parents and my dad and mom stayed together no matter how much we wished they wouldn’t have. My parents were sometimes physically abusive to the older children and my father was extremely verbally abusive to all of us including my mother. He has since passed. My mother has always been very opinionated and never had much of a filter. By the time I came along my parents had mellowed out a little bit and my siblings always said I had a very different childhood than they did. I don’t know if that’s the reason why they’ve left the care of my now 87 year old mother in my lap, but that’s exactly what they did.
My mother lived alone up until a year and a half ago when she had a fall and broke her hip. While she was in the hospital my family all came together to have a meeting to discuss how we would go forth with mom‘s care. At the meeting when we sit down everyone just looked at me. Six of my siblings are now retired and enjoying their life. I have two grown children and I’m married, but my husband and I have never had any time alone because I had a 3 year old daughter when we got married and when our youngest moved out, my mother moved in. I still have a full-time job.
My mother has mobility problems and she doesn’t see well, but she is still as feisty as ever! She is still very opinionated and wants to be entertained. She can be pretty demanding. She loves to go places, so it’s difficult for me to just run to the store. I have to add about an extra 30 minutes to the trip to take her with me. It’s like having a giant toddler. I’m sorry if that sounds ugly but I really feel like that’s the best way to describe it.
I’ve been pretty depressed lately and extremely bitter because my siblings don’t step up and help much. One of my sisters said she was going to keep her for the month of October to give me a break but that only lasted two weeks before she sent mom home. She just said “I don’t know how you do it”. I hate to say this but I’m going to be very honest, I feel trapped. I don’t feel like I have freedom anymore. I’m angry at my siblings and I’m bitter and I don’t want to talk to them. I have to ban myself from Facebook so I don’t see all of their posts about how much fun they’re having and trips they’re taking. I’m just so angry that every time I need help I have to ask them for a favor. Shouldn’t they just do it? Why do I feel like I always have to thank them? She’s their mom too!
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It's going to get hotter here with Thursday being the hottest. It's noon and 75f feels more like 80 or more.I've been cleaning up the deck in this morning and cleaning the windows outside. Then I cut up a pallet in half, I've decided to call it quits now because I went a bit light headed. Joanne, some drugs we take have an effect on us in the heat, I know a couple of mine do, maybe yours...
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Hey All...I hope that you have a lovely, peaceful beginning of your weekI have a bunch of chores that need doing but may put them off til tomorrow and just hang out with my landlord/roomie todayWhat about you?...Anything special going on?Have a great day and take good care of you!!..Xo
I would not want to talk to them either. Someone needs to get a clue and fix this.
My MIL lives with us, since 2012. She is mostly OK, feeds herself and takes care of most of her daily needs. Can't drive (she is 97) , vision is poor.
There was a really neat lady who used to be very active in this site. She had a lot of luck (hard work actually, ... ) getting her parents to change. She identified the behavior she did not like, let them know, established consequences, and stuck to them.
The other thing is to keep on your siblings. Let them know that all the reasons they did not want to take mom in are reasons why you are stressed out. Apply guilt to them.
Who knows, perhaps go to their facebook pages and remind them that you CAN NOT have nice vacations like they do because you are taking care of OUR MOM!
Perhaps you can start discussions with your mom about her going into assisted living, and that unless she starts working with you, you are going to get more serious about putting her in a home.
Gentle hugs
I think that a lot of us go through this …. When I cared for my folks I was completely alone in it.... Never a moment off.... I only had one sibling that was working so it would have just been a night off here or there but that didn't happen
I would bring up that she's all of your mother and everyone needs to take a turn.... Whether that will happen or not remains to be seen.... However you can tell them that you need some help
I would tell them that you're angry and that this needs to be divided labour.... "The squeaky wheel gets the grease" is a really true saying and I've seen it repeatedly happen
I would use your voice in a constructive way.... It doesn't seem like they're just going to step up so I'd tell them what you need.....
Big hug......xo
That being said, ... you might want to sit down with your husband and map out a plan. Think of things that would make your life with mom easier.
+ If they will not give you a day off, let them know that they could (should?) arrange for in home care to come once a week and give you time to shop, have a date night with hubby, etc.
+ If mom generates a lot of laundry (or at unexpected times) then suggest that they purchase a new large capacity washer and dryer for you.
+ Nice (and generous!) gift cards for a local restaurant would give you some time off to enjoy a nice meal.
At some point they will realize that all your suggestions involved them spending money. Let them know that you would rather they invest some of their time with you and mom, but that all your requests for their time go unanswered.
Continuing hugs, caring for an elderly parent can be a very hard thing to do
I feel horribly trapped.
We moved into my mom's house to help her when my dad died. No warning, no preparing.
Dad fell, cracked his skull and had bleeding on the brain. Died three days later. Basically we never went home. Just to get clothes. We still have everything there. But we live with mom, 80 miles away!
She says she can't see. She slightly hit a person walking. Lost her license. She can't hear herself fart but won't wear her hearing aids and it's impossible for her to talk to people on phone to pay bills or make appointments.
So we gave up our life. I drive her everywhere, Clean and cook for her, my boyfriend gets her bills paid for her.
He did all the funeral arrangements and made calls for his life insurance, her social security to be switched to my dad's, everything because she couldn't or wouldn't do it.
I never was close to her. She's always been self centered. My dad was awesome. I find myself wishing he'd lived and she died.
He appreciated everything we did for them. She appreciates nothing!