Caring For Aging Parents Support Group
Caring for aging parents can be a difficul time as we become the caretakers for our parents. This broad responsibility can encompass such services as assisted living, adult day care, long term care, nursing homes, hospice care, and in-home care. Whether you have just started caring for your parents or just need a place to talk, we're here.
I just joined on the suggestion of a wonderful individual from another board. Please forgive me for the copy and paste if you have already read this...I am going to jump right in here with both feet.
God forgive me, but I am so burnt out and so stressed out that I was given a bottle of xanax to help me deal.
At first there were 3 of us helping my mom with her day to day things. See..my dad died in 1996. He did everything from paying bills to grocery shopping Nothing was expected from my mother other than raising us and cleaning the house. She never even worked. When he passed away, mom pretty much expected us to continue.We had all moved out of the house by then, but my brothers pampered her. I expected her to do the things she was perfectly capable of doing. She had just been diagnosed with MS, but the only symptom was some blurry vision.
My youngest brother passed away 2 years ago. Now there are 2 of us taking care of her and things are bad.
The MS has affected her walking, but she can still get around with a cane. However, to make it easier, we do the grocery shopping and take out the garbage. She has meals delivered but says she hates them. She has a cleaning lady but does not like the job she does. She has no hobbies and most of the time refuses to leave the house, even though she has a boyfriend.
MS causes dizzy spells. If she gets dizzy, she cries, and says she is scared and one of us needs to go and stay with her. She had a tooth pulled recently, and because her gum was bleeding, she called crying, and one of us had to sit with her. If she gets an upset stomach, she cries. and one of us has to go sit with her. If her doc gives her something for these ailments...she refuses to take the meds as she is afraid of side affects.
I have suggested she talk to someone because I see some depression, but she won't. She does live alone and will tell anyone that she should not be. My brother and I are both married, we and our spouses work. If living with one of us, she would still be alone..and forgive me again, but she and I would be at each other's throat. If we mention assisted living she threatens to kill herself so she can be with our brother.
Several times a week she calls one of us for something like dizziness or nausea and tells us she may need to call us during night to take her to the ER .I sleep with the phone, a very fitfull sleep. And the last time I DID have to take her...she complained and carried on so bad while there that I had an anxiety attack and the nurses felt so bad for me they suggested I have a stiff drink when I go home.
She will not help herself, take advice or meet us halfway with anything. I figured I would have to take care of a parent someday.....but I never expected this level of burnout or the need for xanax.
I just do not know what to do anymore.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- One thing has changed since this post. I am talking to her doctor this afternoon about some things. Hopefully, it will be a good start. I am just so emotionally drained. i suffer from depression amd anxiety and this does not help.
God forgive me, but I am so burnt out and so stressed out that I was given a bottle of xanax to help me deal.
At first there were 3 of us helping my mom with her day to day things. See..my dad died in 1996. He did everything from paying bills to grocery shopping Nothing was expected from my mother other than raising us and cleaning the house. She never even worked. When he passed away, mom pretty much expected us to continue.We had all moved out of the house by then, but my brothers pampered her. I expected her to do the things she was perfectly capable of doing. She had just been diagnosed with MS, but the only symptom was some blurry vision.
My youngest brother passed away 2 years ago. Now there are 2 of us taking care of her and things are bad.
The MS has affected her walking, but she can still get around with a cane. However, to make it easier, we do the grocery shopping and take out the garbage. She has meals delivered but says she hates them. She has a cleaning lady but does not like the job she does. She has no hobbies and most of the time refuses to leave the house, even though she has a boyfriend.
MS causes dizzy spells. If she gets dizzy, she cries, and says she is scared and one of us needs to go and stay with her. She had a tooth pulled recently, and because her gum was bleeding, she called crying, and one of us had to sit with her. If she gets an upset stomach, she cries. and one of us has to go sit with her. If her doc gives her something for these ailments...she refuses to take the meds as she is afraid of side affects.
I have suggested she talk to someone because I see some depression, but she won't. She does live alone and will tell anyone that she should not be. My brother and I are both married, we and our spouses work. If living with one of us, she would still be alone..and forgive me again, but she and I would be at each other's throat. If we mention assisted living she threatens to kill herself so she can be with our brother.
Several times a week she calls one of us for something like dizziness or nausea and tells us she may need to call us during night to take her to the ER .I sleep with the phone, a very fitfull sleep. And the last time I DID have to take her...she complained and carried on so bad while there that I had an anxiety attack and the nurses felt so bad for me they suggested I have a stiff drink when I go home.
She will not help herself, take advice or meet us halfway with anything. I figured I would have to take care of a parent someday.....but I never expected this level of burnout or the need for xanax.
I just do not know what to do anymore.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- One thing has changed since this post. I am talking to her doctor this afternoon about some things. Hopefully, it will be a good start. I am just so emotionally drained. i suffer from depression amd anxiety and this does not help.
Short answers also are necessary with manipulators.
The other thing is limited choices,
Next time she calls during the day to tell you she is planning an ER trip for.middle.of.night. say, "do you want to call the doctor for an appointment asap or should i?"
Wait for her to stop talking and repeat?
If she refuses to choose, unplug, turnoff or otherwise disable the phone. When she is angry in the morning, remain calm and ask the question again.
Do not discuss or argue anything. Just ask the question.
What this does is provide them with choices but they are limited to those which work for you.
If she calls.during the night as a surprise, ask if she wants to dial 911 or should you. She does NOT need you to receive treatment. She can get to and from the ER by ambulance and have a cab take her home.
If she had to face the inconvenience, she will be more.respectful in future.
All of.this is for.good reasons.
Mom is what they call a "frequent flyer " in ER lingo. They know.she wants attention and will put her last someday when symptoms are vague difficult for.triage to confirm and repeatedly mentioned as part of.moms underlying attention seeeking.
This is very bad for.mom.
Things like aortic ruptures present with unconfirmable symptoms. Staff must take her word. Once she is labeled, she could legally be set aside until.it is serious.
When she needs skilled care, they will quickly tire of this and she will be removed to her room when she acts.out.
I would not plan on having mom move in with any of.the.children. she is far to narcissistic
whomever shed live with will lose their life until she dies.
Talking with mom to get her to "agree" is not going to do any good.
Until she suffers consequences of her actions, she is going to expect others to be at her Beck and call.
I know it is hard
The natural instinst is to take care of them. I made that mistake with dad and nearly paid.with my life. If they don't care about you now, they will never care about you