Caring For Aging Parents Support Group
Caring for aging parents can be a difficul time as we become the caretakers for our parents. This broad responsibility can encompass such services as assisted living, adult day care, long term care, nursing homes, hospice care, and in-home care. Whether you have just started caring for your parents or just need a place to talk, we're here.
I just joined on the suggestion of a wonderful individual from another board. Please forgive me for the copy and paste if you have already read this...I am going to jump right in here with both feet.
God forgive me, but I am so burnt out and so stressed out that I was given a bottle of xanax to help me deal.
At first there were 3 of us helping my mom with her day to day things. See..my dad died in 1996. He did everything from paying bills to grocery shopping Nothing was expected from my mother other than raising us and cleaning the house. She never even worked. When he passed away, mom pretty much expected us to continue.We had all moved out of the house by then, but my brothers pampered her. I expected her to do the things she was perfectly capable of doing. She had just been diagnosed with MS, but the only symptom was some blurry vision.
My youngest brother passed away 2 years ago. Now there are 2 of us taking care of her and things are bad.
The MS has affected her walking, but she can still get around with a cane. However, to make it easier, we do the grocery shopping and take out the garbage. She has meals delivered but says she hates them. She has a cleaning lady but does not like the job she does. She has no hobbies and most of the time refuses to leave the house, even though she has a boyfriend.
MS causes dizzy spells. If she gets dizzy, she cries, and says she is scared and one of us needs to go and stay with her. She had a tooth pulled recently, and because her gum was bleeding, she called crying, and one of us had to sit with her. If she gets an upset stomach, she cries. and one of us has to go sit with her. If her doc gives her something for these ailments...she refuses to take the meds as she is afraid of side affects.
I have suggested she talk to someone because I see some depression, but she won't. She does live alone and will tell anyone that she should not be. My brother and I are both married, we and our spouses work. If living with one of us, she would still be alone..and forgive me again, but she and I would be at each other's throat. If we mention assisted living she threatens to kill herself so she can be with our brother.
Several times a week she calls one of us for something like dizziness or nausea and tells us she may need to call us during night to take her to the ER .I sleep with the phone, a very fitfull sleep. And the last time I DID have to take her...she complained and carried on so bad while there that I had an anxiety attack and the nurses felt so bad for me they suggested I have a stiff drink when I go home.
She will not help herself, take advice or meet us halfway with anything. I figured I would have to take care of a parent someday.....but I never expected this level of burnout or the need for xanax.
I just do not know what to do anymore.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- One thing has changed since this post. I am talking to her doctor this afternoon about some things. Hopefully, it will be a good start. I am just so emotionally drained. i suffer from depression amd anxiety and this does not help.
God forgive me, but I am so burnt out and so stressed out that I was given a bottle of xanax to help me deal.
At first there were 3 of us helping my mom with her day to day things. See..my dad died in 1996. He did everything from paying bills to grocery shopping Nothing was expected from my mother other than raising us and cleaning the house. She never even worked. When he passed away, mom pretty much expected us to continue.We had all moved out of the house by then, but my brothers pampered her. I expected her to do the things she was perfectly capable of doing. She had just been diagnosed with MS, but the only symptom was some blurry vision.
My youngest brother passed away 2 years ago. Now there are 2 of us taking care of her and things are bad.
The MS has affected her walking, but she can still get around with a cane. However, to make it easier, we do the grocery shopping and take out the garbage. She has meals delivered but says she hates them. She has a cleaning lady but does not like the job she does. She has no hobbies and most of the time refuses to leave the house, even though she has a boyfriend.
MS causes dizzy spells. If she gets dizzy, she cries, and says she is scared and one of us needs to go and stay with her. She had a tooth pulled recently, and because her gum was bleeding, she called crying, and one of us had to sit with her. If she gets an upset stomach, she cries. and one of us has to go sit with her. If her doc gives her something for these ailments...she refuses to take the meds as she is afraid of side affects.
I have suggested she talk to someone because I see some depression, but she won't. She does live alone and will tell anyone that she should not be. My brother and I are both married, we and our spouses work. If living with one of us, she would still be alone..and forgive me again, but she and I would be at each other's throat. If we mention assisted living she threatens to kill herself so she can be with our brother.
Several times a week she calls one of us for something like dizziness or nausea and tells us she may need to call us during night to take her to the ER .I sleep with the phone, a very fitfull sleep. And the last time I DID have to take her...she complained and carried on so bad while there that I had an anxiety attack and the nurses felt so bad for me they suggested I have a stiff drink when I go home.
She will not help herself, take advice or meet us halfway with anything. I figured I would have to take care of a parent someday.....but I never expected this level of burnout or the need for xanax.
I just do not know what to do anymore.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- One thing has changed since this post. I am talking to her doctor this afternoon about some things. Hopefully, it will be a good start. I am just so emotionally drained. i suffer from depression amd anxiety and this does not help.
I often see elderly when taking my Mom to DR. When Mom goes to lab or something many will visit with me. Pat my arm and tell me how lucky she is to have me. They are wise enough to see my Mom takes advantage and I allow it to a point. Choosing my battles carefully.
Do what is best for yourself so that what you do for Mom can be stable.
Hope you are feeling better
P
She is addicted to attention. Her family is enabling her attention seeking behavior by:
"she may need to call us during night to take her to the ER"
"needing people to sit with her for every minor upset"
Of course you are already burned out. She is using her MS as an excuse to control everyone and everything around her. Disliking all things is also a way of controlling others. She is using guilt to get all of you to wait on her hand and foot.
The first thing that needs to happen is this planning to drive to the ER in the middle of the night must stop! The ER is for emergencies not planned events. She needs to call her regular doctor during the day when she has symptoms, make an appointment, and keep the appointment.
Threats to kill oneself should be taken seriously, 911 called and a 72 hour observation hold for evaluation be performed. Just one time should stop that threat.
All these things she complains about all the time, demanding you all have phones to be "on call" all night long for a dizzy spell, acting out while at the ER, etc... are abusive comments and behaviors to make. These are ways she has learned to control others with guilt.
If she is not in danger of dying within a year, she needs to learn some independence. it will be better for her and better for all of you.
Gentle hugs
Could you consider respite care for a few weeks in a local assisted living or independent facility? Many offer short term stays at good rates when the primary caregiver either needs a break or may be going out of town. She may adjust well and decide for herself this is a better arrangement for her.
Stay strong my dear.
hugs,
Larissa
I would look into several options for mom. One would be to move her in with your family but to her own apartment space. That way you could be close but also have some separation. You should also look at independent living apartments, but this will not solve the paranoia she seems to have since she would still be along. You could look into a group home situation where 2-3 people share a home with one caregiver. Or even having a live in caregiver. There are people who will live with mom and do basic household chores and be a companion in return for room/board/small salary.
In addition to not being fair to you and your family the current situation is not fair to your mom. Being alone is obviously not good for her. She will be resistant to change but once it happens she will be much happier.
Apparently, Mom doesn't want anyone else helping her but her children so she's become a little bit of a manipulator. I would also reiterate what everyone else has said, you and your sibling are going to have to set some boundaries.
My belief is that your mother wants to live with one of her children so she can have full and undivided attention. With MS, she's probably in the near future going to be wheel chair bound. Is her home ready for that stage? Have you and your sibling discussed the next stages of care for her?
I would call a meeting together between the two of you and start putting together a set of boundaries and then talk to your mother about it; you'll both have to be strict and willing to follow through otherwise, the consequences for you both are just going to get worse, a whole lot worse.
Sometimes you have to put yourself first because if you don't; you won't be capable of taking care of your mother. Don't forget to take care of you!!!
Hugs,
PD
As for any kind of living situation other than living in her own house, she totally refuses and will not budge on that. She does have a wonderful fella in her life, a very nice man with MS, who, despite being in a wheelchair, is more independant than she is. He has a one story house, handicapped accessible, and wants her to move in so she will not be living alone. She refuses.
And everything I try to talk to her about she has an answer for .She is well-versed in twisting things around and she could make even a nun feel guilty about somethng. But I am going to figure out some way to make the situation more bearable for myself
Short answers to emotional questions can work very well:
Your mom: "When you were children I looked after you all the time!"
You: "When we were young you had rules that prevented us from getting hurt or being in danger."
Manipulative people like to take long replies and turn them around, or challenge a word here or a condition there. If you keep your response short AND USE IT OVER AND OVER as the situations warrant, she will quickly lose traction with her manipulative ways.