I had my Mom living alone in the house we grew up in....she is 93 and last spring/summer she decided that enough was enough and she moved into assisted living at $6K month cost.....she had her house and some reserves thanks to my father....we sold her belongings in a big estate sale and then we managed to sell her house....it brought her a lot of money to help keep her in assisted living into late 90s.....

problem is the money she spends is money I have had my hopes of inheriting for many years now....and it is going at $6K per month.....

I think it is great for my Mom to have this place to live as she could no longer live alone and we had no other way to care for her....she seems fairly settled in now at 3/4yr later.....her health is what it is....she has bad back and got the flu this winter....we are lucky she survived that.....I do not know what I would do without my Rock of MOM!

I know, care homes are SO expensive! It sounds like your mom made the decision graciously, God love her!

Sometimes I worry that if I move my mom to a home, she'll never speak to me again. I can't win.

First of all, welcome to the group!

There are so many things that get tossed into the mix when we have an aging parent live with us. And it gets harder, like you have found, when they are not safe to leave alone.

My story: my MIL lives with us. 96 years old, mentally OK, physically decent for her age. (She can take care of almost all her activities of daily life; showers are the one big thing she can't do alone.) I have no parents or siblings left. My wife has all her 3 siblings still alive. I work at home, my wife works out of the home. This makes me the designated 'mom sitter'.


OK, back to you!

Do you have siblings? If so, do they help out at all? The fiscal expense of having your mom live with you is not nearly as big as it would if she moved into assisted living; but the time expense on you and your family can be huge. So, make sure that the siblings understand this and are willing to help out.

We have a lady who comes in once a week. This gives me a break, even if only for about 5 hours. MIL does not like this. Sadly she things she is OK to be left alone. We remind her of the time she stayed home alone, fell, and was on the floor for 7 hours until we came home. Yikes.

Do you have the various powers of attorney? This is the only real way you can stand up for your mom's wishes as she ages, or when she is really ill.

We need to set limits for our parents, and sometimes that means drawing a firm line.

OK, sorry to be so intense so far.

gentle hugs

Welcome Mickeys...... Do you have respite care available where you are??....

Here we're entitled to 2 weeks of respite care twice a year so a parent would go into a home for 2 weeks to give the caregiver a rest

Are you hooked up with a Community Health agency or a social worker?... If not I would ask your moms' doctor to refer you..... You may be able to get more help in the home....

Big hug... It's hard.... I looked after my folks for the last 6 years of their lives and it's the hardest thing I've ever done....... xo

Thanks, Pepperman, for the reply. No worries about being intense, that's just the reality of it all.

I have POA in all aspects. Good there.

No siblings available. Brother incarcerated and my sister passed some years ago. It was going to be the two of us sharing our mom as she aged. I miss her every day, in so many ways, large and small, especially now. (Her son is going to be a daddy this summer!)

Perhaps having help in would work? I don't know. I'm a nurse, so I feel like I would have to attend the attendant, ya know?

Thank you, Suncloud. Your kind words got me puddled up.

Looking after my mom has been harder than I ever could have forseen. Much harder than parenting, and rewards are sporadic and rare at best.

*heavy sigh*

Not trying to be judgemental here but it sound like you are upset that your mother is spending $6k a month to be happy. It is her money and as long as she is of sound mind let her enjoy herself. So what about investing your own money so that if something like this was to happen to you you to can leave comfortably. You should be thankful that your mother is still able to get around and that you can see her. She was 93 living alone in a house that was probably to big for her to take care of and she was probably lonely being in the house by herself.

She is your mother and she probably took good care of you growing up, so now it is your turn to take care of her. What other alternative did you have for your mother if you did do take her in. I agree with your husband let her stay at home with her family. You also mention that their are two young adults at home. I take these are her grandchildren's. So what is wrong with them helping out with their grandmother. Does she have any type of insurance where someone could come into the house a few times a week and assist with taking care your mother. Give hare a big hug for me and tell her how much you do lover her.

There is a huge difference between caring for a child and caring for an aging parent. Yes, one can think of it as "paying back" when we care for our parent. But that is not really fair, IMHO.

We have "total control" over our children in that they are minors and there is no question in society that parents call the shots. (OK as long as we don't go the creepy or criminal path ... ) But with our parents there is no such control; it can be hard even if we have total POA because laws protect the rights of our parents to make their decisions.

Society understands when we put our children in a baby carrier (or stroller, or, ... )when we go to the store. But what do we do when we need to go out and our parent is not safe to leave alone? The local teenagers are not going to be very interested in sitting with our parent.

Sorry to rant, guess I'm feeling a bit tied down at the moment.

When we become parents, caring for and raising our children comes with the role.

When the roles are reversed, it is a whole different story. I find the comparison very upsetting.

My young adult children need to be able to live their own lives, without having to care for a frail, elderly woman. It is enough that they supervise her when my husband and I both have to be away.

I am not meaning to be rude, but you do not know enough about our family to say such things.

THERE IS NO EASY ANSWER.