Caring For Aging Parents Support Group
Caring for aging parents can be a difficul time as we become the caretakers for our parents. This broad responsibility can encompass such services as assisted living, adult day care, long term care, nursing homes, hospice care, and in-home care. Whether you have just started caring for your parents or just need a place to talk, we're here.
Hi, just started taking care of my mom 83 who had a stroke. she is doing pretty good but shouldn't be alone. she thinks she's ok alone but her doctor and i don't. that's one frustation. and then i live 9 hours away and my brother and sister aren't willing to help (well just the tiniest bit as long as it doesn't inconvenience them too much). I am really pissed at both of them. we are all in our 50's. i have offered to take mom home with me but she doesn't want to go although probably will grudgingly. i am super worried about losing my job have been off on fmla for over a month now. i am not married no kids, it's just me and my paycheck. i have exteme anxiety about that and then being here now in my mom's house with her worried about her but also not getting along real well with all the stress... totally out of money everything going on credit. 9 hour drive would be hard on her but i don't know what else to do.. quit? bring her home? leave her here? she won't go to assited living. i don't think she really needs assisted living, she just needs to be living in a town with a family member nearby, like 5 minutes away. that would be ideal but right now she lives in this town alone, no friends, no family around. i have stressors from all sides .... lack of money, assholes in the family including my dad who is divorced from her, work stress/possible loss of job, my own health issues, extremes of emotions here with no support... any support or advice would be appreciated. i am way off balance right now. it would be good if i could get back to work and then try to sort things out from there but i do not want to leave her alone. in home care probably woudln't sit right with me because it's not set up and i don't think i have time to do that plus, i don't think it would be enough and i would worry being so far away. anyone else here had a parent with a stroke? did you have to travel long distance with them. i live in a really cold climate, too which isn't good and getting there requires going up to some altitute like 5000 feet or so to go over a pass. i am almost as pissed off at my siblings as i am anything else. grrrrr.. they just are sitting back and letting me deal with this whole thing. my sister is currently in hawaii. she left in the middle of all of this. my brother is out of the country also. i feel like screaming. there is more to this but those are some of the highlights. thank you
My MIL does much the same thing. I understand it, well as best I can without actually being that age and at the risk of losing my independence. She had, until now, refused a panic button. She fell, spent 6 hours on the ground, then spent about 3 hours in the ER. Now she is more open to logic. But not totally. She had a really good home health evaluation of our surroundings and her safety relating to using walkers, canes, body mechanics, etc. She does not agree with much of what was said.
Has your mom fallen? Has she been in a dangerous situation that caused her distress? It may seem harsh, but if so you can remind her of these times and press her on why she thinks she is OK to live alone.
Her stroke may be useful as a conversation starter. Much the same as the fallen talk.
Are you able to talk to her doctor without your mom present? (In most states it requires a specific document to be filled out and on file with the doctor.) If so, then talk to her or him. If the doctor thinks that your mother is a danger to herself by living alone, then consider using that as part of your talks with your mom. This may also require getting a lawyer involved, to suggest that she may lose her right to control her life because she is not competent to make decisions. But this is a very big stick, and runs the risk of getting totally shut out of her life.
We talk a lot here about difficult parents. One method of dealing with difficult parents is to set limits on their behavior and the assign a consequence of passing a limit. But for this to work the consequences must be things we can control; ultimately it boils down to them wanting or needing us in their lives.
Thusly, the last comment for now. You may need to consider adopting the same method your brother and sister have. If your mother becomes too much for you to deal with, you may need to scale way back on your interaction with her. This is the ultimate limit and consequence. When she calls you in a panic about something, that is the time to start negotiations about her actions and consequences. But this is a very extreme measure. But one you may need to take to preserve your sanity.
Gentle hugs, and sorry for the harsh tone of my reply here!
Venting is good, it really does help. The people on this board have been wonderful and a big help to me with my Dad. He had back surgery, but the surgery wasn't as successful as we had hoped. He is a stubborn old rancher that refused to go see a doctor, until he fell and couldn't walk anymore. Before the fall, I was making the trip to check on him once every 6 weeks for 7 years. I enjoyed the trips going "home" but it was taking it toll on my family and my bank account. I have 2 sister and a brother, all of which see my Dad maybe once every two years, but claim the really do care . In all fairness, my older sister takes care of my Mom as my parents divorced when we were young.
In the end, I had to move my Dad to assisted living close by me. I knew I could not take on his care and our relationship not suffer. He still reminds me to this day that he wants to go home, that he can manage on his own. He needs 24/7 care, so that's not an options for us.
My younger two siblings believe they know what's best for him, but neither have made an effort to help out in any way. My brother hasn't seen my dad in 7 years, but believes he knows best. HA!
Long story short, do what is best for you and stand by your decision. Never question it even though she will. My Dad doesn't like being away from the only home he knew for 77 years, but he is safer and enjoys being around people. If I had not moved him, we wouldn't still have him.
Also consider giving your mom "Cognitex Basics" supplement, the main ingredient of which (Alpha-GPC) is being used as a stroke/dementia/Alzheimers treatment in Europe.
"Cognitex w/Brain Shield" is the better version of that supplement, but it's more expensive, has larger capsules, and requires 3 intakes instead of 2.
Time to do it yourself. Don't be afraid to ask; she is mother to all of them, and they should ALL be willing to help. My guess is that they would much rather spend money than time. If they appear to be guilty, well, use that in your favor!!!
Continuing hugs