Caring For Aging Parents Support Group

Caring for aging parents can be a difficul time as we become the caretakers for our parents. This broad responsibility can encompass such services as assisted living, adult day care, long term care, nursing homes, hospice care, and in-home care. Whether you have just started caring for your parents or just need a place to talk, we're here.

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Never enough

NABatz
NABatz

I am the youngest of six children and for some reason it was up to me solely to take care of my mother when she had cancer and died slowly and painfully.. and my father who had congestive heart failure and dies slowly and painfully. ..Now that they're both gone my oldest sister wants me to step into that role of me taking care of her and spending half of my life taking care of her responsibilities which she is fully capable of taking care of herself... does anybody else have that assigned role as caretaker in their family?


This group helped enormously when I was walking my mom and dad down the path to Heaven and I just wanted input from you fine folks.

MaryContrary
MaryContrary
I would say no to her. I wanted a life but it is so long in coming. Take care of yourself now. You have paid your dues.
Community LeaderMid
Mid
Make it clear that it is a resounding NO.

Your sister is capable of taking care of herself, and has the ability to do so.

Go live your life and make your dreams happen. Take care of you first!
urbangardener
urbangardener
People may ask us or demand that we don things but we have agency and can say no. These situations happen all the time to everyone. It might not be family but it can be at the workplace or with lovers, and friends. We come across as someone who is willing to give and do and go to extra lengths unselfishly. Except this is really about ourselves and making ourselves feel good about ourselves by being of "too much" service to others. We have to learn to say no otherwise we are enablers, enmeshed with people who are perhaps users and abusers. The other siblings want you to be easily pushed around, or a push-over but you can start to stand up for your own life and say no. They will get angry at you but you do not have to play this game. It is often our codependence in that we feel we only have value if we are overly giving and doing. Its time to break out of that mold and limitation that your family members have placed you. And yes, many families have these assigned roles. Sometimes it is goldenchild, scapegoat, blacksheep, secret keeper, attention seeker, the pretty one, the ugly one, the smart one, the dumb one, etc. I was not assigned the role of caregiver but I took on that role. My sister is very self absorbed and married to her career and she couldn't or wouldn't. I did this in my first marriage and with my own children. I sometimes still slip into my codependency in my current marriage trying to change my husband. Once we stop being our usual role in a family, we upset what is called the homeostasis. This is why the other family members get angry. They don't want change or to change. So seek the change you want and do it for your own self value and self worth. Big hugs.
Community LeaderSunCloudJD
SunCloudJD
Big hug for you NA..... You have to accept sweetie that you don't have an assigned role.... You have taken on these roles....

You need to have personal boundaries.... I agree with what Urban has written... I think you've fallen into a codependency role.... If you can get into some therapy to take your life back and learn how to say no

Let your sister take care of herself and go and live your life!!.... Get help if you need support moving forward....

This will be a good thing for your sister as well... It will help her to feel good about herself when she takes care of herself.... xo
Elively
Elively
Just grow a spine and say NO
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