Caring For Aging Parents Support Group
Caring for aging parents can be a difficul time as we become the caretakers for our parents. This broad responsibility can encompass such services as assisted living, adult day care, long term care, nursing homes, hospice care, and in-home care. Whether you have just started caring for your parents or just need a place to talk, we're here.
I need to vent; I don't do this often so I apologize!
Saturday morning my mother woke up with a terrible cold. She sounded completely congested. I was a bit scared and wanted to call her doctor's office to see what cold medicine she could take since she's now on Coumadin. She had a fit and didn't want me to call. SO, off I go to the drug store to talk to the pharmacist on what she can take besides Benedryl. Then it's off to the supermarket, I got everything to make chicken soup, corn bread, fresh fruit salad and veggies. I race home; get the soup going which takes a long time; meantime, I'm cutting up veggies and fruit for salads for her; make the corn bread AND lemon meringue bars for her. ALL her favorites. I literally ran around for hours shopping and cooking. Besides that I'm running down to her room bringing her tea, water etc. Finally, I went down and told her to come out and eat, the soup was ready. She said, OH, I was just coming out to make myself some beef broth. Beef broth? I told you I was making chicken noodle soup and your corn bread? She said, no you didn't and I told E and S (Brother and Sister) that I was cooking for myself. I said, why would you tell them that, you knew I was cooking out there all day? Why would you tell them something like that? She said, I didn't know you were cooking anything for me... THAT's such a load of bologne, she came out a couple of times in the kitchen to see what I was doing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
After she ate and I cleaned up, I went up to my room to talk to my sister. Sister says, Oh, I thought it was funny that you weren't cooking anything for her; that's unlike you. I'm so glad that you took such good care of her, thank you so much for taking care of her. I said, why do you say thank you like that to me? She's our mother, I take care of her! Then sister is at a loss for words. I have no idea what my mother said to her but I'm sure it wasn't good about me.... Same conversation with my brother that night.
Sunday morning; I'm up cooking the weekly dog food and move onto making her baked stuffed pork chops, potatoes and steam some green beans. There were so many containers of food, veggies and fruit in this refrigerator that you literally had to move one thing to find something else. Sunday afternoon, the phone rings, it's my mother's best friend that she sees weekly. I answer the phone and prior to my mother getting on the line she asks me to call her back on my cellphone. Now I'm monitoring the phone to see when my mother's off and when I can call her friend back. Finally, she's off the phone, I call and what do I get. P, can you cook your mother something; I know you're really busy but your mother is so sick, she needs to eat something. I was flabbergasted. I said, Mary, this is what I made yesterday and this is what I made today; she's eaten something of everything I've made; she's not hungry she's stuffed. Mary didn't know what to say to me. We ended the conversation quickly after that.
Now, in my conversation with my sister the day before I told her that I was going to strip my mother's bed and wash everything and clean her bathroom. SO, off I go with the thought of strangling her instead of cleaning for her. Apparently my sister had already told her the night before that I was going to clean her room for her because her bed is unmade when i walked in there. I pull off the pillows to discover a hundred used tissues under the pillows. I said Ma, can you please take those off; I don't want to get sick. She says, OH just take them off and then wash your hands. Thank you for that.. Thanks a lot... So, I take care of all that for her and later on when I made up her bed again, I said good night. Her words to me, OH, I hope you don't get my cold touching all those tissues and my dirty pillow cases; you know my nose was running all night, I'm sure I got it on the pillow case. . I said, yes, well, if I do, it's my fault for touching germ ridden tissues and your sheets!!!!!!!!!!!
Monday, my sister sends me a text and says, so, you never got a chance to change her bed. WHAT????????????? I don't have to go on here, you all know what kind of conversation I then had.
My point; I'm not hurt right now; I'm at the point that I want to just give up and ship her off to my sister! Here, TAG, your it, it's your turn with her! I ran around for her shopping, picking up medicine, waiting on her hand and foot and making her all of her favorite dishes and for what? She's denied to everyone that I'd done a thing for her.
I don't have words, I'm just so tired from the weekend and I'm so over done with her behavior. I guess I just don't like her very much right now. What really hurts is not my mother's actions towards me, it's my brother and sister and her friend that were more than willing to just believe that I would leave my mother in a room as sick as she was to just take care of herself.
I was pretty proud of myself for accomplishing all that in a weekend. I wasn't looking for kudos from anyone but what a slap in the face! Boy, she's not a nice woman sometimes. Mostly none of the time to me anymore. Geez!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Saturday morning my mother woke up with a terrible cold. She sounded completely congested. I was a bit scared and wanted to call her doctor's office to see what cold medicine she could take since she's now on Coumadin. She had a fit and didn't want me to call. SO, off I go to the drug store to talk to the pharmacist on what she can take besides Benedryl. Then it's off to the supermarket, I got everything to make chicken soup, corn bread, fresh fruit salad and veggies. I race home; get the soup going which takes a long time; meantime, I'm cutting up veggies and fruit for salads for her; make the corn bread AND lemon meringue bars for her. ALL her favorites. I literally ran around for hours shopping and cooking. Besides that I'm running down to her room bringing her tea, water etc. Finally, I went down and told her to come out and eat, the soup was ready. She said, OH, I was just coming out to make myself some beef broth. Beef broth? I told you I was making chicken noodle soup and your corn bread? She said, no you didn't and I told E and S (Brother and Sister) that I was cooking for myself. I said, why would you tell them that, you knew I was cooking out there all day? Why would you tell them something like that? She said, I didn't know you were cooking anything for me... THAT's such a load of bologne, she came out a couple of times in the kitchen to see what I was doing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
After she ate and I cleaned up, I went up to my room to talk to my sister. Sister says, Oh, I thought it was funny that you weren't cooking anything for her; that's unlike you. I'm so glad that you took such good care of her, thank you so much for taking care of her. I said, why do you say thank you like that to me? She's our mother, I take care of her! Then sister is at a loss for words. I have no idea what my mother said to her but I'm sure it wasn't good about me.... Same conversation with my brother that night.
Sunday morning; I'm up cooking the weekly dog food and move onto making her baked stuffed pork chops, potatoes and steam some green beans. There were so many containers of food, veggies and fruit in this refrigerator that you literally had to move one thing to find something else. Sunday afternoon, the phone rings, it's my mother's best friend that she sees weekly. I answer the phone and prior to my mother getting on the line she asks me to call her back on my cellphone. Now I'm monitoring the phone to see when my mother's off and when I can call her friend back. Finally, she's off the phone, I call and what do I get. P, can you cook your mother something; I know you're really busy but your mother is so sick, she needs to eat something. I was flabbergasted. I said, Mary, this is what I made yesterday and this is what I made today; she's eaten something of everything I've made; she's not hungry she's stuffed. Mary didn't know what to say to me. We ended the conversation quickly after that.
Now, in my conversation with my sister the day before I told her that I was going to strip my mother's bed and wash everything and clean her bathroom. SO, off I go with the thought of strangling her instead of cleaning for her. Apparently my sister had already told her the night before that I was going to clean her room for her because her bed is unmade when i walked in there. I pull off the pillows to discover a hundred used tissues under the pillows. I said Ma, can you please take those off; I don't want to get sick. She says, OH just take them off and then wash your hands. Thank you for that.. Thanks a lot... So, I take care of all that for her and later on when I made up her bed again, I said good night. Her words to me, OH, I hope you don't get my cold touching all those tissues and my dirty pillow cases; you know my nose was running all night, I'm sure I got it on the pillow case. . I said, yes, well, if I do, it's my fault for touching germ ridden tissues and your sheets!!!!!!!!!!!
Monday, my sister sends me a text and says, so, you never got a chance to change her bed. WHAT????????????? I don't have to go on here, you all know what kind of conversation I then had.
My point; I'm not hurt right now; I'm at the point that I want to just give up and ship her off to my sister! Here, TAG, your it, it's your turn with her! I ran around for her shopping, picking up medicine, waiting on her hand and foot and making her all of her favorite dishes and for what? She's denied to everyone that I'd done a thing for her.
I don't have words, I'm just so tired from the weekend and I'm so over done with her behavior. I guess I just don't like her very much right now. What really hurts is not my mother's actions towards me, it's my brother and sister and her friend that were more than willing to just believe that I would leave my mother in a room as sick as she was to just take care of herself.
I was pretty proud of myself for accomplishing all that in a weekend. I wasn't looking for kudos from anyone but what a slap in the face! Boy, she's not a nice woman sometimes. Mostly none of the time to me anymore. Geez!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I would ask her if you haven't already. The bed is a good one. Say you spoke to your sister and she said mom told her that you hadn't changed her sheets. See what her reaction is.
No secrets!!!!!!!
Call your brother and sister and calmly tell them that their mother is giving them false information, and for them to not take her word for things like that.
I look at stuff like this from a detective's point of view. Perhaps your mom is complaining about things to them BEFORE she talks to you about it. That way she can justify it as "Well I said those things before you did the things you did. How was I to know you were going to do them?"
Hugs, and hang in there.
I stayed home with her early last week and had a great day with her but she has a way of souring things fast. She's told some very tall tales in the past that I've had to justify my existence with family.
The problem now is that my DH has had it with her. He's always been her biggest fan but the lying isn't the only issue. Since early last summer we started having kitchen items disappear such as knives, pans, kitchen utensils, baking sheets; the list is long. We've looked numerous times all over the house, confronted her with items missing; we checked the trash; storage areas even to the point of looking in the woods to see if she's getting rid of things out there; couldn't find a thing. When she was in the hospital in September my husband was talking to a neighbor about her and how she was doing; during the conversation, it came to light that my mother's made a number of trips to the town dump/transfer station. This neighbor is retired but works there a few days a week. We were in disbelief but we now know where our things went and why we were not going to find them. That sort of thing is completely out of character for her. The final straw was we just discovered that our cappuccino and espresso mugs and plates are not in the house. We hadn't used the unit in quite awhile and hadn't noticed. Why that set my husband off so much I don't know. There's so much more stories of the lying and missing kitchen stuff and yes, we've confronted her on these things before BUT she completely denies EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!
There's definitely some type of personality change going on here but her doctor has told me numerous times that in her opinion my mother is not at this time suffering from dementia; although she's forgetful and has forgotten how to clean or cook properly there's nothing that would be a cause for concern. I can't have a blow out with her as she now has AFIB and her doctor wants her stress level limited.
I just needed to vent yesterday and today and I guess that's because now hubby is fed up with her! I can understand his point, he's tired of our good names being trashed, he's tired of having to prove innocence with her lying and he's tired of our things that we've paid good money for go missing. I usually keep quiet about all this stuff out here; so many have much bigger problems than me. I'm one big pity party the last few days. Why would someone do these things to the two people that are taking care of her?
The software lets you watch live from a computer, or any web accessing device. You can also set it to send an email when there is motion!! It takes a snap shot and emails it to you. That way you would see what mom is doing.
I think the doctor and your siblings need some proof of what mom is doing. Not sure if you confront her because then she knows about the camera. But you might be able to intercept her and say something like "mom what were you doing with my xxxx, I've been wondering where things are going".
I think the real issue is that mom has a psychological problem. This sounds like more than dementia, although some people do have issues with hiding items in dementia. Usually they become pack rats which is different from what your mom is doing. This almost seems like she is trying to get you in trouble or punish you.
The only answer is someone being with mom 24/7 so she can't destroy your home. Or putting her in an independent or assisted living where she is monitored. This is not fair to you or your husband to have your belongings thrown away. The story telling is less of a problem as long as your siblings know that mom is lying. That just takes more communication between you guys.
I'd really suggest the camera. You need some confirmation and validation of what is going on.
I don't want to get into the audio though, I don't think I really want to hear what she's saying about me. Welp, looks like I have some downloading and setup to do tonight.... Saweet!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hubby said to say thank you to you folks out here also for all the help.. This is a good day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I would try not to tell mom if possible. She would just switch where she is playing.
A few tricks...create a email account just for this. You will need it for logging in and if you do the motion detection it sends an email with the picture. So better to have one place for all this to go.
Start slow with one or two cameras. You can always move them around. So use some double back tape or those command strips to hang them.
The motion detector emails has to be setup from a computer. I think you need a windows based computer for this. I just tried looking for it and it says to login to mydlink.com but i get a java error on my mac.
Apple charges 4.99 for the ipad and iphone apps. It's worth it!!
I can't wait to hear how this goes. And remember the cameras are wifi so anywhere your router reaches you can put a camera. Maybe see if you can get one pointed at her car to see what she is taking out of the house....that still has be shocked!!
You could try downloading the latest version of java for the mac and see if that makes a difference.
Hubby called me and told me that he brought them in the house; she was excited and thinks they're a home security system. SHE doesn't get it yet..... lol And, my brother and sister are not tech savvy so they won't get it either.
LET the fun begin!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I don't think I would do anything yet. But maybe when you have some proof of what she is doing you could send an email to both of them (one email to both) explaining what is going on and show a picture. If they question why you have cameras you explain that things were missing and you didn't know what the problem was.
Let your mom be excited. She probably thinks it's just a motion detector and not a camera...so let her think that!!
I still can't decide if I think she is being a devil or if this is a dementia behavior. How old is mom? Has she been devious or petty in the past?
Funny part is I saw them in person for the first time a few weeks ago. I was really shocked that mom didn't notice them. Last summer when my sister, who doesnt know about them, was visiting she asked mom about them. But mom in her usual dismissive way said it was part of the building security. My sister even went to the front desk but since they knew nothing they had nothing to tell her. She never did ask me, but then we aren't really talking.
Hubby had both cameras set up before I got home, registered them and set up the accounts. She thinks they're a wonderful way of knowing if someone comes into our house. I set up the account on my pc here at the office this morning; hubby downloaded to his iphone but I haven't done that yet.
So far, a few emails coming in and when I check it, she's pacing the kitchen and going through cabinets. Hubby called me because he saw her swatting the back end of our dog with the broom. He was upset and wanted me to call her. I don't want to do that because it'll give the whole sham away! I'm not happy about swatting the dog either but if she really hurt Meg, hubby would have driven home to confront her... Oh boy!
Tigg, she just turned 86 last month. We have noticed that she's very forgetful and is very accusatory when she can't find something. She repeats stories and can't remember how to do some of the basic computer things that she used to know how to do. She uses the wrong kitchen tools to accomplish food preparation. Example; she uses a small rubber spatula for jam to chop up hamburg in a pan... and a paring knife to cut up potatoes. Never did these things in her earlier years.
I personally think there's something very wrong with her. According to her doctor, there is nothing wrong except old age memory issues which is normal in the elderly.
I have the audio on silence; don't want to hear her talking besides, we tested that last night after she went to bed. The sound wasn't as clear as we hoped it would be. But, overall, these units are awesome! I can't thank you enough Tigg; it's not only good to monitor her but in general it's a good idea to have your home protected.
SOunds like mom is well into dementia. One question is what you want to do about this. If she is dangerous then she shouldn't be left home alone. That would mean either bringing in help or moving her to some type of monitored residence.
If she's not dangerous then you probably have to play the waiting game..meaning you wait for something to happen that will force a change. Although if she is throwing away your belongings that would be a big thing for me.
How was your relationship with her all your life? I think you mentioned something that makes me think there are old problems but not certain. Is this behavior just a continuation of what she has always done or is this a change?
At least for now you can see what is going on so that can give you some peace of mind. Time will tell what you need to do with this info. Remember to keep these emails so you can share with your siblings when the time comes. I'd also suggest doing regular email updates to them. I know how hard it can be to make them understand what you have to deal with but it's very important. I know I found it much easier to deal with my sister when my dad died because I had keep her updated of the progression. Things are different now but when the time comes I will go back to the updates. I love email because I can send the same info to both siblings and they can't deny knowing.
Doctors do not like to get into mind and behavior issues. They speculate and medicate symptoms but it is a broad approach from my experiences. You can look into the dementia aspect. With the afib and known forgetfulness, maybe vascular dementia is likely. Look at the different types of dementia, causes , and how they progress to give yourself a few ideas for the future. Never know where or when but by anticipating change, you may find ways to deal with every day stress that comes along. And it will.
Hope you a feeling a bit better. Happy Weekend!!
Hugs
P