Caring For Aging Parents Support Group

Caring for aging parents can be a difficul time as we become the caretakers for our parents. This broad responsibility can encompass such services as assisted living, adult day care, long term care, nursing homes, hospice care, and in-home care. Whether you have just started caring for your parents or just need a place to talk, we're here.

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ann54 10/21/2015

I just found out that my brother on Saturday had a huge rage fir to my parents, mainly my mother. this is nothing new, he has done this many times. my sister was there and she said it was the worst she had ever seen, he was spitting while yelling. he got right into my mothers face and yelled that she can cry all she wants but he doesn't care and it is her fault that they are in this position and said they cant move out of the house because they have nothing. he is the exexitor of my parents estate and the house was put into a trust so that us 3 would have something from them. susan and I have begged them to change, saying how much we appreciate what they did, but they need the money now to live sayfely and happier. they wont change it. however come to find out pat screamed that he is not allowing the change to happen because they set it up for us to have it and that is what is going to happen!! he has shocked me many times, but that is one of the top. susan said it perfectly, he is a bully always has been. I am afraid of him, I never have confronted him about anything, and sadly I kinda feel this way with one of my sons. a few days later he called them and butter would melt like nothing happened and as usual they let it go. I am afraid that soon it could get violent. he has such anger and rage issues so frighteneing.

kathywonders 10/21/2015

This is a horrid event for everybody involved. I agree that it would make sense for you parents to use their money for their own health and wellbeing whilst they are still here and yet I realize how weak they must feel in front of your brother. These angry shouting types are so intimidating. I know your mother is difficult but if I understand correctly you and your sister are doing most of the caring work with her. And in any case, her being difficult and complaining doest mean its OK to go yelling and raving at her. I wish I had some advice but I feel scared of angry people myself and I wouldt know what to do in this situation. I hope you and your sister can support each other.

ThePepperMan 10/21/2015

Perhaps it is time for you to talk to a lawyer about all of this. Typically trusts are revocable for the party who creates them (ie your parents) but become irrevocable once they pass away.

ann54 10/22/2015

the trust is already set up as irrevocable and my brother is in charge of everything, hows that for a pickle?

MsBlank1 10/22/2015

I just had my will/trust amended. However, if your mom is unwilling to do anything about it, your hands are tied.
I was always told to "give a person enough rope and they will hang themselves."
I have found this to be true. When I left my ex 11 years ago, I had to leave quickly with just a few items....basically the clothes on my back.
I have come to realize that stuff is just stuff and altho it took several years, I have regained items.....but more than that, my self respect and a life without abuse. I have peace and love surrounding me daily.
Yes, I have a difficult mom, but I have learned to set the boundaries I needed for both of us. I may slip up and feel a bit down from time to time, but I know it won't last and am happy to have a place to come to with people who understand.
I would possibly talk to social services or a case worker about your brother's temper. Perhaps they can intervene without blowing your cover? You and others should not have to live in fear. I know....I've lived abuse myself.....not fun. I found out that MOST abusers just blow a lot of hot air....but it's better to be safe than sorry.
Take care and get some counseling for yourself....ok?

ThePepperMan 10/22/2015

Please talk to a lawyer anyway. If he is abusive then I would bet that a judge can rework terms of the trust. I believe that trustee is a position that can be changed. The other terms of the trust may not be changeable, but the trustee part should be able to be changed.

Hugs

ann54 10/23/2015

I agree, he shouldn't be in charge of ANYTHING, however if susan and I did this we would have to do it behind our parents back as my mother is a typical abused person who still loves her abuser, she loves pat stays upset with him, but allows allows him back. they would both have a flying fit. it should be done but it is so much easier said then done. I don't even want him going over there. I do have counseling but time always seems to run out before all issues are addressed, next visit I am focusing on pat. thanks everyone, hugss

ann54 10/25/2015

i have a perfect opportunity to talk to dad alone, my sister is taking mom shoping and he will speak freely without her around. i am going to address the topic of the situation with pat, his abuse and the need to if not willing to change and get him off the executor, to at least add on susan and i. i want to talk to him first before calling a lawyer, it will not go easy, everything is done or not done because he doesn't want my mother to get more upset. i don't care what pat thinks, it will terminate any relationship, which is sad, but what is worse, a physical violent episode and also them not being able to live in a place that is safe and has many activities and people. i should likely just talk to the lawyer, susan is going to call the lawyer to set up their review they are due for and then once there hopfully some changes. no matter what pat does, time and again, he is welcomed back and he has never once said he was sorry.

ThePepperMan 10/25/2015

I hope it goes/went well for you!

ann54 10/26/2015

it was an eventful day but I don't know if much will be changed, I know that sounds crazy. I went and talked to dad and he said he hasn't liked that pat is the only one as executor, never really did, not because it is pat just that he is the only one of the 3 of us in charge of everything. I talked to him about my concerns about how pat is and that I worry that next will be physical and that the police have to be called as soon as he starts in. sadly dad says he knows and it wont happen again, but he says this all the time and unless one of us is there the police wont be called. found out that all our names are on the finicail accounts not just pat. my sister talked to my mother about calling the lawyer and making the apt and to have it changed to add the 3 of us. she went ballistic and said nothing is changing your brother is the one. susan called me while shopping after the fight they had and I told her to leave take mom home she is acting selfish and spoiled, don't nlet her get her way, but that didn't happen. so in writing all this I guess it was just a lot of talk and not much accomplished. maybe it is a first step?

kathywonders 10/26/2015

I'm glad you were able to talk to your dad and that he was able to talk freely. Its awful having to be so wary around your mother. It is however a first step. Try to keep the communications lines open with your father and Susan. Youre obviously doing the best you can. Well done!

TroJanThunder 10/26/2015

Your parents are likely as afraid of Pat as you are! Litigation is very expensive and unless the house is worth like ten million might not be worth bothering.

If your parents can no longer take care of themselves alone or with some outside help that is when things will change.

And then Pat can scream and spit all he wants until Medicaid is needed for their care.

Obviously he wants his slice of the pie but there may not BE any pie left over!

ann54 10/26/2015

thank you Kathy, that means a lot to me!

jazzkeys 10/26/2015

I agree with the others, a lawyer can help change their plan, especially if Pat is aggressive and punitive towards your parents. They worked hard for their money and deserve to be well taken care of when the time comes, your brother obviously wants their money at all costs.

ann54 10/28/2015

I have never really liked my brother, lived in fear of him but I never thought he would go this low. yes he wants whatever he can get and he will somehow get more, he knows where everything is. siusan is calling the lawyer and setting up an apt for parents, hopefully something will change. I want them to live happily and free of fear in a social environment now not in a nursing home!

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