Caring For Aging Parents Support Group
Caring for aging parents can be a difficul time as we become the caretakers for our parents. This broad responsibility can encompass such services as assisted living, adult day care, long term care, nursing homes, hospice care, and in-home care. Whether you have just started caring for your parents or just need a place to talk, we're here.
Well, I have done it now. Began a new job so I could sleep at night and be home morning til early afternoon. Came home to a mad mom. I walked in and said hello!!
She answered by saying don't you say hello to your Mother. Huh?
Perhaps you didn't hear me says I. Mom went to bed mad at me. I can only guess this is dementia at its finest. I changed routine and that seems to be part of the issue.
I found out later that Mom had been communicating all day with my sister, who is having a lot of trouble. Not sure if sis is grounded yet from meds or lack there of.
All the stress is not good for Mom and there seems little I can do. My sister is not able to understand that she is too much for Mom. And in some way I wonder if she does know and is trying to get even with her for a rotten childhood. I hear often about what a lousy childhood my sister had. I am the youngest. So what would I know :)
Not sure what to do to help calm mom after enduring so much stress. I have to work and have someone at home with her while I am gone. Working 3rd shift made me too exhausted and no one let me sleep during the day. So had to change.
I am looking for a way to divert this negative behavior if possible? Or is it best to let sleeping dogs lie??
She answered by saying don't you say hello to your Mother. Huh?
Perhaps you didn't hear me says I. Mom went to bed mad at me. I can only guess this is dementia at its finest. I changed routine and that seems to be part of the issue.
I found out later that Mom had been communicating all day with my sister, who is having a lot of trouble. Not sure if sis is grounded yet from meds or lack there of.
All the stress is not good for Mom and there seems little I can do. My sister is not able to understand that she is too much for Mom. And in some way I wonder if she does know and is trying to get even with her for a rotten childhood. I hear often about what a lousy childhood my sister had. I am the youngest. So what would I know :)
Not sure what to do to help calm mom after enduring so much stress. I have to work and have someone at home with her while I am gone. Working 3rd shift made me too exhausted and no one let me sleep during the day. So had to change.
I am looking for a way to divert this negative behavior if possible? Or is it best to let sleeping dogs lie??
hello spiritriver, your message is so very nice and it gives an makes us think before we relate or communicate with our elderly. Thanks for taking trouble and writing and also sharing your experience with so much patience. Thanks for the wise words. I always used to think that the elders behave like children sometimes..however your thoughts about how can one set expectation from the elderly parent is you cannot anticipate what their next move will be based on so many things they must be going through. I prayers for your wife's aunt who is going thro so many emotions and you are your wife are great trying to see all the ways to care. my prayers with you and your wife and hope God fills your heart with peace and energy to handle this journey.
Regards.
bh
You just perfvectly descrivbe the average day in the life of any 5 year old!
But the difference is that the 5 year old who pees in the fridge can be expected to never do it again. Once the dementia patient pees in the fridge, they are in danger in the home. They need constant supervised care to remain safe.
Those who have been allowed to excuse all sort of rude behacior by family will adapt poorly.
Due to my history, I have been in semi-private rooms with dementia patients in early stages. Those who are coddled and allowed to be demanding like peaceful's mom is behaving act the same in the hospital. They end up throwing tantrums when they don't get their way. Nurses have no choice but to use soft restraints and put them in the hall for the night.
It is a horrible diservice to allow the elderly to behave badly and use illness as their excuse.
A couple incidences of mistakenly setting expectations too high does not cause trauma. It is the only way to know when to change expectations. The parents who claim they never corrected the 5 year old by mistake when they could not actually succeed is lying.
CHildren and the elderly will try and get away with anything they can.
We are talking about keeping them safe!!! Not setting expectations so high that they hafe no hope of succeeding.
A major difference is that the elderly can wander in and turn on the stove for no reason and walk away in later stages of dementia. This a serious danger. They can swallow an entire bottle of vitamins. They can drink bleach. They can do all sorts of things that are very dangerous for themselves. If they are allowed to constantly rage and carry on, how can family know when they have extra needs?
They can't!
Expectations still need to be set! It is way too easy to allow someone to use dementia as an excuse for bad behavior.
When it is really clear that they are off, then changes need to be made. The dementia patient is in a steady declining state. The care givers need to be watchful for the time when they are in too much danger in the home to put them in a place where these dangers are less.
Patience with expectations is the key. No one is saying a time out mat is appropriate with a senior. But time out from social interactions is still necessary. This is just natural consequences that give the elderly a chance to calm down and adjust before being expected to interact.
I dont think the above demographic has the market cornered on that behavior. I dont think its dementia based.
Its been said, the two most basic emotions are fear and love. From that, I derive that quite possibly, the two most basic behaviors are expression of need and compassion. Whether its the first humans chasing an animal or fruit picking, to the infinite variety of both bad and good things we figure out to do today, the elemental motivation is perception of need, perhaps of love, security, sex, money, attention, power, etc.
If they are allowed to constantly rage and carry on, how can family know when they have extra needs?
This is a symptom of mental illness, not necessarily dementia, although both conditions often exist in combination. In some cases, rules and boundaries reduce anxiety, resulting in diminished negative behavior. This is more likely to be the case if the problem is mental illness. If dementia is blocking comprehension, expectations are as effective as stomping ones foot and screaming at a light pole. Extra needs, as they manifest are usually obvious to anyone whos known the patient for more than a few days, even in the presence of constant raging.
Expectations still need to be set! It is way too easy to allow someone to use dementia as an excuse for bad behavior.
If dementia is the cause, it IS the cause/excuse, just as a light pole cannot change its nature.
It is a horrible diservice to allow the elderly to behave badly and use illness as their excuse.
People of all ages do this, but in the past 22 years of constant contact with elderly patients, I have never heard one, in the psych unit or the Alzheimers facility cite illness as justification for bad behavior. I think teenagers might have the largest market share of this behavior. I have heard things like, I cant help it, Im so miserable, or Youd be that way too if I realize they could very well be right. Only One can rationally disagree. Citing illness is frequently used to seek forgiveness, which is far different than trying to justify.
Patience with expectations is the key. No one is saying a time out mat is appropriate with a senior. But time out from social interactions is still necessary. This is just natural consequences that give the elderly a chance to calm down and adjust before being expected to interact. "
I behave better with a respectable measure of time out too :)
working with these beautiful precious people taught me more about my own short comings then i could have read in any books. they taught me about compassion and immense patience for when you work with the mentally handicapped it teaches you to accept who they are no matter how handicapped they are and yet are still able to create a bond of friendship beyond anything imaginable yet they were unable to speak.
it is a real lesson on the human nature and why we are prone to behaviors that we wish silently to ourselves we wish we did not have as far as the elderly having certain behaviors are we so perfect ourselves? i think not so why blame them because we do not like what is said to us to teach others we must give them something better then they already have. behavior modification does these things but not through punishment or chastisement but through the act of kindness in the the midst of chaos and confusion and despair and fear.
god bless
I also thank all for the discussion. It was informative. Great ideas in contrast to one another. Patients certainly key in any situation.
P