Caring For Aging Parents Support Group
Caring for aging parents can be a difficul time as we become the caretakers for our parents. This broad responsibility can encompass such services as assisted living, adult day care, long term care, nursing homes, hospice care, and in-home care. Whether you have just started caring for your parents or just need a place to talk, we're here.
I was talking with Tigg on another forum about this and just felt the need to talk to folks out here also.
My MIL has been suffering from Alzheimers for several years. She went down hill quickly as far as speech and communication of any kind. She's been in a vegetative state for 3 years now. 8 days ago the hospice doctor determined that she was actively entering the dying stage and therefore stopped all nutrition and liquids. She was given last rites and now it's just a waiting game for the inevitable. My DH's family has organized different visitation so that she has a family member with her around the clock. Needless to say, everyone is very tired; my three children are very distraught and my DH is not doing well, AT ALL... Snappy and pacing all over the place... He can't stand another minute in his mother's room looking at her in this condition and yet when we're home or at the shop, he's even worse because he's not there with her. Aggghhhh
My worry right now is the wake and funeral services that my FIL wants. MY MIL's appearance has steadily deteriorated for quite some time but over the last 2 weeks, she's really gone down. If I hadn't known what room she was in and what bed, I would not have recognized her. Wafer thin! My DH wants a closed casket because he doesn't want anyone else in the family to see his mother in this condition. He feels strongly that his mother should be remembered the way she was. My FIL and two BIL's want an open casket so everyone can see just how terrible she looked and what the family has had to go through these last years. I, for the life of me can't understand that mentality of thinking but I think my DH should let the majority rule here even though I agree with him. I think that for the rest of family and friends that will come to the wake and see her in this condition will just create a "shock and awe" feeling.
As if this isn't enough, my own mother is acting up because we're giving my MIL more attention and time than we're giving her. I don't like loosing patience with her and snapping at her but I did this morning. She's very jealous at how upset my children are grieving to the extent they are over my MIL. That kind of behavior I just don't get either but I have no patience for it. DH and I decided last Saturday night to leave the nursing home for awhile and take my mother out to dinner. Well, within and hour and a half we were done eating and back home. She didn't talk to us the rest of the night and told me the following morning: "Gee, thanks for the hour of your time last night". I said, it was an hour and a half and you're lucky you got that because Rachel is the priority right now!
I guess I'm just venting today. You feel so bad for someone going through this; it's been 8 days and she's still hanging on. I haven't been able to eat anything today; just not hungry. Maybe it's just sympathy pains; if one can't eat, I don't want to eat either.
I have to say that even with my background years back in nursing; I've seen this, been through this many times and not so long ago with my own father. It never gets easier.
My MIL has been suffering from Alzheimers for several years. She went down hill quickly as far as speech and communication of any kind. She's been in a vegetative state for 3 years now. 8 days ago the hospice doctor determined that she was actively entering the dying stage and therefore stopped all nutrition and liquids. She was given last rites and now it's just a waiting game for the inevitable. My DH's family has organized different visitation so that she has a family member with her around the clock. Needless to say, everyone is very tired; my three children are very distraught and my DH is not doing well, AT ALL... Snappy and pacing all over the place... He can't stand another minute in his mother's room looking at her in this condition and yet when we're home or at the shop, he's even worse because he's not there with her. Aggghhhh
My worry right now is the wake and funeral services that my FIL wants. MY MIL's appearance has steadily deteriorated for quite some time but over the last 2 weeks, she's really gone down. If I hadn't known what room she was in and what bed, I would not have recognized her. Wafer thin! My DH wants a closed casket because he doesn't want anyone else in the family to see his mother in this condition. He feels strongly that his mother should be remembered the way she was. My FIL and two BIL's want an open casket so everyone can see just how terrible she looked and what the family has had to go through these last years. I, for the life of me can't understand that mentality of thinking but I think my DH should let the majority rule here even though I agree with him. I think that for the rest of family and friends that will come to the wake and see her in this condition will just create a "shock and awe" feeling.
As if this isn't enough, my own mother is acting up because we're giving my MIL more attention and time than we're giving her. I don't like loosing patience with her and snapping at her but I did this morning. She's very jealous at how upset my children are grieving to the extent they are over my MIL. That kind of behavior I just don't get either but I have no patience for it. DH and I decided last Saturday night to leave the nursing home for awhile and take my mother out to dinner. Well, within and hour and a half we were done eating and back home. She didn't talk to us the rest of the night and told me the following morning: "Gee, thanks for the hour of your time last night". I said, it was an hour and a half and you're lucky you got that because Rachel is the priority right now!
I guess I'm just venting today. You feel so bad for someone going through this; it's been 8 days and she's still hanging on. I haven't been able to eat anything today; just not hungry. Maybe it's just sympathy pains; if one can't eat, I don't want to eat either.
I have to say that even with my background years back in nursing; I've seen this, been through this many times and not so long ago with my own father. It never gets easier.
Your mom sounds like my mom..jealous. My sister's MIL has been having some medical problems but my mom makes it sound like she is going to die any second! I try to correct her but I guess she wants to think someone is worse than she is. She is also very jealous of any time I spend on things that takes away from my time with her. I get those same snarky remarks.
I understand how your husband feels about the wake. My parents never wanted funerals so I didn't have to deal with that. However my husbands uncle passed a few months back and OMG he looked horrid. And you know the funeral home did all they could. I think your FIL and BILs are a bit odd, it's like they want sympathy for caring for her?? A post-mortem I told you so?? In this case I think your FILs wishes should come first. But you might suggest that they make the final decision just before the wake. They will have the family come in to see her before they begin and he can decide then if he wants it open or closed.
For now you need to give your husband something to do. Maybe he and the kids can start going through photos for the wake? Or maybe something else to get ready like figuring out food or hotels for out of town people.
Keep us posted.
I'm going to suggest just that Tigg with the last minute decision at the funeral home. I think it's more important to just get through the wake and funeral and the emotions involved with all of that rather than everyone argue over "open" or "shut". It's not very respectful to my MIL or her memory.
I'll post if I have any updates; thanks for responding Tigg.
Good choice to take a day off from visiting.
I see the point of the family members that want the casket open. If ppl that have not been around much can see how awful she looks it might put to rest some questions about whether or not the right thing was done by removing life support measures.
I went to a funeral once where they started with the casket closed, then when the ceremony was over they opened the lid and those who wanted to view could chose to walk by. I think this puts the pressure off a bit because ppl can change their minds at the last minute
Never again. Well as they say, 'never say never', but even still I don't like open caskets.
It is tempting to suggest you shout down your mother, but that will not accomplish anything. Treat her like a young child who does not know better, and keep telling her "This is MIL's final days, and it is a priority right now."
The old 'broken record' approach. Reword it to suit your personality and the situation, then use it over and over. Nothing more, nothing less.
As for you, wow, you are really in a hard place. I believe that you need to place your DH's needs first and help your children and yourself get through this as best you can.
Gentle hugs, and please feel free to vent all you want here!
The casket is always delicate arrangement. I have seen a nice hand made quilt or something like this covering all but neck and head. For me, it was a reminder that the person was finally at rest.
On the other hand, my G-ma looked very tired and it upset my cousins who had not seen her in 2 years. She was in my parents home as last resting place of her choosing. The cousins were mad at us, saying what did you do to her? I just said she always looked this way from the time her kidneys failed. Of course if they had made time to visit they would have know this.
My Mom did not need the insult after working so hard to care and it was HER mom.
My Mom is also jealous and has the hour per day pity party statements too. It is amazing how many of us share this.
I take time outs from home. Nothing huge. An hour or so at coffee shop or some place. It helps release the stress.
Hugs
P
We no sooner got home last night and the phone was ringing; it was my mother's doctor calling. She went for her blood work and urinalysis the other day and apparently she has a UTI. Her first ever in her life! Her doctor said it was pretty severe so DH ran up to the pharmacy to pick that up for her; she put her on Cipro for 5 days. My mother feels it's a cross between "MY" not being home enough and she's not clean enough; (she showers twice a day!). I'm trying to explain to her that this can be caused by numerous other conditions but NOPE, "if I was home more, I might have noticed something" How? I don't know; I'm just going to except my fate with her I guess!
The Hospice staff was a bit snippy last night stating that when my MIL does take a turn for the worse, it will happen quickly so they were recommending that the family keep a closer vigil. Everyone is doing the best they can but we're talking day 10 now and people do have jobs. Everyone is uptight right now; there's no where to turn without someone jumping down another person's throat.
We talked last night about going to Florida for a week after to just take some down time. My mother won't fly, she wants us to drive down. Driving for a least 4 days out of the 7 is not my idea of downtime, especially when you can take a non-stop flight and be there in 3 hours.
That about sums it up for right now. I'm praying for some peace for my MIL. As much as you hate to see them go, it's time for my MIL to take the journey.
I like everyone's ideas with the casket and I strongly believe that all they'll accomplish by having an open one is causing a lot of folks distress during the wake. I hate wakes, they're morbid! The smartest thing I can do here as a SIL and DIL is to keep my opinions to myself and go with the flow. However, I'm predicting now that there will be another big family blow up by he time this is over because DH is definitely NOT handling this well.
I know what you are going through. My MIL was in ICU for a week before she passed but had been hospitalized for about 5 months. We were there almost every day. She had that rally the night before she passed but then just slipped away slowly over the next 15 hours. When my dad passed it was 5 days of waiting. I got a call at 4 AM from the hospice nurse. The night before mom had said she didn't want to be there at the end. So I told the nurse I was getting ready and would call her back in half an hour. She called me about 20 mins later and said he was gone. We wouldn't have made it there in time anyway so I was able to tell mom quietly at home. Then we went over to see him before the funeral director came.
There is never an easy answer. And a hostile and hurting family makes it all worse. All I can say is hang in there. Your husband has already started the grieving process which is good. Is there any job you could give your mom to get her involved? Maybe going through old photos to display at the funeral? Or choosing clothes to wear? I don't remember if she is able to cook but maybe she could make something? It sounds like you are going to have a big Catholic wake which is an ordeal in itself. She might feel left out and giving her a job might make her feel better.
Maybe you could find someplace closer to go to? How about a short cruise? They should be sailing out of the northeast now. Three or four days to nowhere would be very relaxing for everyone.
My mother and my in-laws never really got along. My MIL wasn't the easiest person to get along with and very often caused problems between her sons and their families. She was a little instigator that one!
That's the crux of the problem I think where my mother is having a hard time with the amount of time and attention I've given my MIL since she became ill with Alzheimers. She wasn't a good person but I was still there for her. I don't kick dead dogs and I don't argue with someone unless standing on level ground. My mother on the other hand would take full advantage! As far as my MIL goes, when she became ill, she forgot she hated me and I've been fine with that because to have 30 years of being in her line of fire was not fun!
My mom and MIL never got along either. Sometimes I think my husbands family was part of my parents decision to move across country. When my son was 1 we were staying with my parents while redoing our house. I asked mom if I could have a family party in their backyard since my house had no kitchen. She couldn't handle having people at her house so instead she gave me money to have it at a restaurant. She could never be happy about anything, especially if it involves my inlaws. Always a nasty comment.
Is there anything mom could do to help you out? Maybe if you told her you need her to help you she might feel more important. I find I have to be very creative with my mom. There is no point trying to change her so I just change my strategy.
God bless
God bless
My mother offered to do all the cooking this week and she's been great. She used to be such a good cook in her day! She was a comfort food cook! I only get a bit nervous because she's forgetful sometimes and has left something cooking on the stove twice where it burned. We were lucky because DH was home both times and shut the burner off.
Shur, I'm hoping that once the funeral home prepares her that the family will realize that neither my MIL would ever want to be seen this way nor would family that hasn't seen her in years want to have that memory in their heads of how she looked in the end. She was a very vibrant red head that was very tidy in her appearance, hair always done, clothes, jewelry. She was very particular. Now, her hair is all grown out, all grey and she looks emaciated. A mere slip of a shadow of what she once was. I agree with you. I think someone should be allowed to keep their dignity even after they have passed. Hopefully, the other family will agree; but knowing them as I do; I'm afraid their own self interests will take precedent.
When it comes right down to it; we just need to get through what's coming. I must say that I feel ten times better talking with everyone out here than I did.
The sad part is when someone dies they are in many was forgotten soon afterwards very disheartening to see,
God bless may he give you his peace today and always