one can live in a house full of people yet still be lonely inside ones self especially when they are misunderstood by those around them and are not given the validation of what they struggle to express through misunderstood understanding......................

I bet it felt good letting it all out instead of biting your tongue. The few times that I've lost it felt great afterwards, all of my pent up frustrations released.

There in lies the rub; One can also live in a house full of people and "choose" to just be miserable through their own "free will". If there is no dementia or personality disorder involved, it's a matter of "selfishness" and sheer disdain for everyone around that person.

Unfortunately complaining apparently is a common trait in the elderly.

Good for you Sofia; perhaps if you expressed your feelings more in front of your mother, she may well, hesitate to complain in front of you.

Two weeks ago, I spent the entire weekend with my mother; took her shopping, out to eat, out for icecream after. When my sister called her on Monday, my mother told her that she did nothing all weekend AND that my husband and I went off by ourselves. My sister called me to say hello and wanted to know why we went off without her. I was so upset!!!!!!!!!!!! My sister tried back-tracking and said, maybe she "misunderstood" my mother. I said, NO, no you didn't. I immediately went to my mother's room and confronted her. SHE had nothing to say and didn't know where to look. I told her that if I ever find out that she's saying these things behind my back again, she'll need to live with my sister!!!!!!!!!!!! She cried,,, ppppffffffffffffffffffff. I don't feel back at all. She has no dementia and no personality disorder; GOD gives us all choices. You can choose to be a self pitying actress or you can get involved with your surroundings!

What bothers me the most about that weekend that I spent the entire weekend with my mother; We laughed and ate all kinds of food, I stayed up late with her and watched a movie, an old movie that she likes. I bought her a nice new bathrobe and slippers etc. We had a great, great time; SO I thought.

To find out on Monday that she actually told my sister that we did nothing with her all weekend, was just plain hurtful. I felt hurt and betrayed!

I don't think there is any one who willingly chooses to be miserable only that they have lost the ability to identify and make the necessary changes to elimanate the root of the problem causing the unhappiness

if I spoke to my mother on anyway that would cause her to cry I think that god would never forgive me for hurting my mother. That's just me there are some things that god will not permit me to do nor do I permit myself to do. And that one is one of them.... Some are allowed and some are not.......god bless

Don't be sorry for the rant. We're here to listen and a good deal of us feel your pain. And I know what it feels like to be near the breaking point.

Shur, I understand what your saying here however, it would be a contradiction of God's word to say that it is okay for the mother to say whatever they please (when no pre-existing mental illness or dementia) is involved. A mother's words under these cirumstances can leave an everlasting impresssion. And believe me, she's made me cry numerous times with her unrelenting insults. So it wouldn't fall within the realm of disbelief to say that God just might possibly be angry with the mother for hurting the daughter.

I think it's a personal choice of belief or interpretation of God's word to say that "he'd never forgive me" for hurting my mother. It's altruism at it's best.

And believe me, I've studied personality disorders and been in the medical profession since I was 20; I am now 58. I'm also a Catholic who practices daily. I know when someone chooses to be unhappy vs. choosing to be happy. God gives us all choices. I believe I can live by God's word and not become a martyr doing so.

I choose to live by his word but I don't ever feel the need to preach it; I'm not qualified.

I am not preaching god here I am speaking of me I am sharing who I am I cannot speak of others only share to others what I only know through passing through these very same issues that you now are facing I am not interested in education only life experiences because through those experiences one has over come them and survived to share.when I said that god would not forgive me I meant me because only I am responsible for me and my actions what caused my reaction is not important but how I responded to it is more important why because it takes more effort of ones self to turn a bad moment and turn it to the good....even when we are in the midst of emotional upheaval...



God bless

Good for YOU Sophia! Dont feel bad. Yoiu had every right to let ppl know you were at ter end of your rope!

And it's NOT a kindness to a parent to let them walk all over you and tell lies about you.

Adult children deserve to be treated with respect by parents too. Door swings both ways!

Adult children must in the end learn to live with themselves and their own insecurities and short comings and allow their parents to release their responsibilities of being a parent to the adult children they raised their parenthood has come to its completion as they continue they lose more and more of themselves whether it is not being able to drive or cook or walk to the bathroom any thing that we all take for granted each and everyday.

But to those who are experiencing these changes are very frightening to them and confusing. When does a child have the right to demand that mom or dad bows down to the child? They were the teachers and guidance for their children. Now that they are old and becoming weak in their child's eyes they are seen as an opportunity for the child to lash out and get even for all the things they could not do when mom and dad were strong and young and respected.

I will defend those who are weak and helpless if that be your mother or father the strong always prey on the weak.....

Food for thought..............god bless mom and dad

Honestly shur you come across as a bully to me. I vote for everyone in families to treat each other with courtesy and respect. Why do you have a problem with that?

Funny I have never been accused of being a bully but I have been on the receiving line of one such as your last post to me . But if it is your pleasure to attack someone then let it be me.

God bless

My Grandma use to back bite my Mom in my Moms house. I would say stop but she kept on. Finally I asked mom if she knew? She said of course. I am not out of ear shot when she starts. I asked if it hurt her feelings, She said no that is the way that old woman is.

Now she is the old lady complaining about me. Part of me realizes she grew up accepting this behavior and I clearly do not. I also know she has dementia is addition to having been very harsh at times years ago.

My Mom is NO to everything. Friends, movies, eat out...When I go there is always something about that too. We are suppose to be isolated and co dependent. Well it may be her choice or part of the disorder but it is not mine.

I make appointments and leave mom at home with someone. It has made a lot of difference having a life of my own again. It is not selfish. It helps me better prepare and check perception. Not be so frustrated.

I hope you are feeling less upset now.

P

Shur,

I'm sure you didn't mean to come off as you did because you preach the word of God in almost every post you respond to. However, your comments can be perceived as patronizing and self-righteous. This forum is a "discussion forum" for caring for elderly parents. It's not a church social site where the "word of God" is lectured and pulpitized incessantly!

I whole heartedly agree with you TroJan; respect is earned and should be considered at the very least a common courtesy!

I keep seeing this word (attack) in these discussions. More often than not it's the posters who sefl-proclaim themselves under the ruse of God's word that interject their insulting opinions on others first. Then they decry their innocence; but, but, but, I'm so misunderstood, I'm only speaking of me and how God perceives me and my mission in life. Get off the pulpit!

And Peaceful. Good for you! Everyone needs personal or private time to do the things they enjoy doing. We as caregivers have to take time off occasionaly to gather our own strength.

There is not one Hospice staff member or doctor that would ever condone one person, 24/7 week after week; month after month to devote all their time and energy to caring for that parent alone. It's just not feasible. Eventually you'll fall and fall hard!