She is rude. She is forgetful, and cranky as all get out.
Since this is the first I am hearing of her, I don't know if you can say narcissistic.....but if you have known her all her life, and she was a true narcissist, you would not have to ask, you would know.
so, can you do anything about this?
maybe not, if she is slipping...
maybe so if she can grasp boundaries and you can reinforce positives....

Maybe the next time you want a nice visit with a guest, you should go out to get coffee somewhere...or explain ahead of time about mom's behaviors....

I would be very annoyed.

Your situation sounds so much like what I went through with my mother before she passed and it was difficult. What I should have done and didn't soon enough, was to have boundaries with her and not let her treat me disrespectful. I have always heard that parents raise us and when our parents age, we are the adults now. However, some parents never change no matter how old they are. Please make sure you take care of YOU, okay?
Hugs

It sure sounds like narcissistic behavior to me. I found a link to an article that defines it:

https://www.bpdcentral.com/narcissistic-disorder/hallmarks-of-npd/

They talk about it being a pattern, so I guess I'd have to ask is this typical behavior of your mother, or is this something new?

In either case, what she did was not acceptable. Not by a long shot! We talk a LOT here about setting boundaries for our parents. It can be hard, but once we start to do it the results will begin. It may be a long journey, it may be a short journey. But there will be results.

If your mother is truly narcissistic then she may never understand why her behavior bothers you. In this case you might need to work out a "code" between the two of you that lets her know when she needs to back way off and wait for you to go back and talk to her.

If your mother is not narcissistic then she should be capable of understanding why you object to the way she acted.

How old is your daughter? You most likely need to do damage control with her. Let her know that her grandmother's behavior was not appropriate, and that you and her father are going to be working on grandmother to help her understand. If she is "old enough" (what ever that means!) then your daughter may be able to be part of the process. But that is a decision for you and your husband to make.


I am so sorry that you are dealing with this.


Also, please, PLEASE feel free to vent here. I have problems with my MIL that others may see as major that I deal with just fine. Then there are issues I have with her that seem small by the standards of others, but they totally flummox me!

I would have sat down with her and calmly told her that the next time she ever embarrasses you like that in front of your guest(s), you will not lift a finger to do anything for her! Temper tantrums in the elderly are just like that in toddlers; if you give in to them, you'll create a little monster!

The yelling is her way of gaining control over you; that's what bullies do. You simply don't allow it. If she starts yelling; stay calm and tell her that yelling won't get her anywhere and certainly won't be acceptable behavior and walk away. Is it narcissism on her part? Not sure but she surely sounds controlling.

I think it's time for you and your husband to set boundaries where her behavior is concerned.

thank you for your advice guys, and for allowing me to vent.

Pepper,
i have two sons in their 20s...no daughter

My eldest son refuses to talk to his grandma, he has had enough of her bad behaviour and he doesn't like this bad vibe in our home.

My husband although a very patient man has been on edge lately.

im in the middle of this whole mess trying hard to balance everything and everyone...im failing miserably, most mornings i wake up and just don't want to be...its a horrible place to be...feeling very tired all the time, mentally and physically...and then i guess things could be worse

It's like a little kid who does not want mommy talking to a friend and wants all the attention for herself!

I'm trying to figure out how I concluded that you had a daughter!

Your boys are old enough to be a positive factor in this for you. The oldest one, since he wants nothing to do with his grandmother may be hard to pull in, but his lack of desire to be with her may be something you can use.

By all means start setting limits for your mother, and make sure there are consequences for her! Let her know what the consequences are, then enforce them!

Do you have part of the house that she can not easily get to? Up some stairs, narrow doorway??? (electric fence? Moat filled with sharks?)

Recruit your DH to take a stand, on some issues at least. My MIL lives with us, and she is passive aggressive. So one thing I do is when she tells me "not to bother" doing something I have taken to telling her that how I spend my time is my business, and that if she does not want me doing something because she does not like it then by all means tell me up front, don't beat around the bush.

(Most of our issues come from food, I like a lot of variety and home made to reduce sodium and empty calories, she likes pre-packaged meals heated in the microwave.)


When she yells at you, get up and leave. Stop doing what ever you were doing for her! That is a very food natural consequence. Even if you are getting ready to take her to the doctors office back out of it. Tell her to call her doctor and reschedule!

Get your boys and your DH to have a sit-down private meeting with you and come up with some limits and consequences. Come up with some consequences that you can all implement. Imagine her reaction when ALL FOUR OF YOU calmly tell her to stop yelling at you and get up and leave. Same words, same temperament, every time. Not that all 4 of you need to say the same thing if you are all in the same room when she starts yelling. But if she yells at you in the kitchen, you make the statement and leave. She yells at your DH in the lounge and he does the same thing. She yells at your son(s) on the front porch and he (they) do the same thing.

It is hard, it can be very hard. But once you get some momentum going you can see some changes in your mother.




One last thing, one of our members had a truly narcissistic mother. They ended up evicting her and she went into some form of public assisted living. You can look up back discussions and get some of the flavor of how she handled her mother.


Gentle hugs

Had a melt down today while trying to explain some of the things that are causing issues with my family...i was firm and very honest with her but in the end i could see i was getting nowhere...had a complete melt down, i havent cried like that for years...relief? Yeah maybe... Mostly totally shocked at my moms expression or lack of it...she sat there staring at me with this blank look on her face...like she cant feel or refuses to...i guess i had expectations

Gentle hugs

Sorry, that your mom frustrated you to tears. I can sympathize.

In MY situation, I had my mom evaluated by a neurologist and found out that she was 75% mental ability, though it is considered normal in her age range, 78 yrs old.
But I also spoke to her primary dr. a gerintologist?(specializes in elderly) he told me that she is mentally no longer my mother that I once knew and as she gets older, worse behavior might come out. My mom was self centered and selfish before and it got worse. She became more impulsive if she wanted something well, her way or the highway. For me, she didn't live with me so when she was mean, before I use to let her know that it wasn't acceptable but she said my life..., leave me alone. Now,I leave her alone or my calls are very short. She doesn't remember or it doesn't bother her, still acts what ever way she wants/

After the initial shock of her willful rude ways, I accept that she is gradually mentally decreasing. She did not remember or understand her behavior, after a time.BUT I took it personally and it hurt and many times I had wished she would die already b/c she did what she wanted which was detrimental to herself and was mean to me when I was trying to help. (taking to drs, getting the meds, making arrangements for meals and her safety)

I had to accept that I could not change her behavior or make her understand. By trying to change her and all the drama & stress, I lost my hair, and my health deteriorated b/c I didn't take care myself.
From reading and posting here, I decided to make boundaries for MYSELF, that I would put myself first. I would not try to react to her bad behavior, and try to help her but if she refused it had nothing to do with me. " What would happen to my family, if I were to get sick. My mom would be the same and my family would suffer." So when my siblings started "noticing" her rude behavior and trying to change it or correct her, I explained that she is mentally not capable anymore and try to just not get upset, just placate her and dont argue with her cuz she doesnt get it.

Maybe like others have posted, let your guest know that your mom has rude behavior and it is nothing to do with them. Or go meet them outside your home. If it is your family, just walk out of the room. It is possible that your mom no longer has the ability to be discrete and is impulsive and can't control herself. It has nothing to do with what you did.

Maybe in your area, the insurance pays for adult daycare or they have a senior citizen center to pick up and drop her off at, so you can get a break. Also in my city, they have family respite care that medicare pays for to give caregivers a break, check to see if yours might too.

It is shocking and stressful when the parents that we love are mean and abusive to us. And it hurts.

Hugs and strength. Take care. Keep venting.

2BHapi,

thank you for sharing your experience, i relate to all that...the only difference is that mom lives with me

My health, (physical and emotional) is deteriorating...waking up every morning to face the day is very hard...dealing with the little things is overwhelming...i need a corner to hide away and just rest..but i know thats childish and immature behaviour...i can't run from my problems i need to face them and deal with them the best i can...

so every day when i wake up i remind myself of the positives in my life and i pray for strength to deal with all this...i hate the way I'm feeling, the angry thoughts the sadness...but these emotions i can't run from

My mom also frustrates me to no end! Some examples of weird behavior:
1. dad was on his death bed and I was talking to the palliative doctor on his treatment (she was teaching me to give him morphine) when mom walks into the room and says "for supper I want beef, beans and rice". I just flipped my lid, but had to remain calm and tell her to go outside
2. she's super nice to the caregivers that come in, but never satisfied with all the things I do for her and criticises all the food I try to cook for her and the clothes I buy for her
3. she has not shed one tear or even touched or tried to comfort me since dad died last December - it's like she has no emotions in her at all.
The doctor and psw's say she doesn't have dementia, so I don't understand why she is like this. I gave up my job, my room, my friends to care for her but she wants me to be with her 7x24 hours which is driving me crazy!