I so hope that you are not really 13 years old and having to care for aging parents.

Vent all you want my dear. We are all here for you. And I truly hope that you will get answers here and good advice from those who have had to go through pretty much the same situations.

Yes, ditto to what Carly said. It is important to get your age at least "close" so that we know how to relate to you. Advice we would give a 13 year old in your situation is far different than what we would give to a 53 year old!

That being said, .........

You have hit upon the primary coping method that we (almost) all have used: realize that the parent that is giving us so much trouble is a shell of the loving parent we wish we still had.

Venting here can really help as we have all been through similar stuff. Yes, it is OK to scream at your parent; we get it and know that love and anger can coexist in our soul.

There are some things that have helped many of us.

Staying calm with your parent, and telling them calmly that they are not to yell at you, accuse you, (etc) is not proper. This may or may not work depending on how deep they are into demential

Accept that they are losing it, and are reacting to the situation as best they can.

I tried to reorient my mother to reality when she got confused, but at some point I realized that she could not really understand what reality was, but that at some level she realized that she was wrong. At that point I stopped worrying about reality and would enter her reality as much as I could. Talking about my childhood cat as if it was my daughter's cat was just the way it was going to be. No harm, no foul.

Their anger about perceived wrongs by you may be best dealt with by diverting their attention. Much like you would a child. If they accuse you of stealing their food (or what ever) redirect, ask them where they think it might be. Perhaps tell them that you did take it, but that they said you could as long as you put it back XXXX. Where that place could be where it is, a place they can't get to, what ever.

Is your parent in a home? If so, then ask them for help. They obviously have a lot of experience with people like your parent.

Sorry to ramble on and on, ...

Gentle hugs

Goofy birth date - I really am mid-fifties, not 13! I do the caretaking on my own, no home care personnel or facility, and though I am not the only one available it is me who is most familiar with everything. I don't mind the work, but the emotional toll is what's getting me into trouble. Tricks and coping mechanisms along with confirmation or corrections in what I am thinking and feeling are most appreciated. And please know how much I wish for all of you what I wish for myself...a sense of acceptance, contentment, and love. Thank you again.

I think that one of the worst traps we can fall into is where we decide that it MUST be us doing the work, because it is:

easier to just do it than to train somebody else to do it.

nobody else knows how to do it right.

mom/dad gets super stressed out if somebody else does it.



So one way to avoid this is to explicitly make sure that other family members pitch in and help. Or you can get help to come in and relieve you. It is this relief time that is a real stress buster!

My MIL is 96, lives with me and my wife (and the cat and dog), and is mostly of sound mind, and I give her a 95% safety rating. (OK, I made that number up. But she is frail enough that leaving her alone is kind of scary so she has a panic button she can wear.) I work from the house, but my wife works outside of the house; so I am alone with MIL all day long. So we have a lady come in once a week for 5 hours. this gives me mid-week alone time and it really helps.

Continuing hugs

Oh, Justme, I could have written some of your message myself.

My real mom, before dementia destroyed her personality, is long gone. Even though I understand that it's the disease process, it still hurts to be dismissed and ignored. As you said, the emotional toll is the worst.

You can ventilate here, all you need to, as far as I'm concerned. I understand.

Thank you! To all of you!

Big gentle hug sweetie...... The differences can hurt so much.....I really feel for you

I would ask your mom's family doctor to refer you to a social worker..... There may be some help available for you at home (if you haven't already done that)

I agree to vent..... It helps to get it out for sure..... Another hug and a blessing.....xo

Hello,If you have time I felt meditation helps or a good support group if you can find one, I have never had any children I'm 53 years old and suddenly feel as if someone left two children at my door (mom & stepdad) I lost my job because I kept calling off so I could take care of mom ,I filled out paperwork so as I could become moms caretaker my stepdad is very selfish and has started to drink again ,like you im told to shut up and that i nag to much ive learned to keep things simple and hide the hurt of seeing my once proud mother giving up she called out for her mom the other nite and I think she is just waiting to see my brother one more time. I read to my mom as she rarely wants to leave her bed I apply her make - up curl her hairevery morning just in case she would like to venture out, Social workers I've dealt with what can I say it's Government I've quit the meditation because I need to be alert at nite should mom call out for anything, As far as support groups I've found none, My advice to you is find someone if you can to watch her for one day or two days and take a time out for your mental health and hers turn phone off and breathe, enjoy nature go see a.funny movie any thing to clear your mind and thoughts do this once a week,, Sad to admit but this is a full time temp job that as adults of ageing parents we have inherited, so as any job take two days off, and relax , release, and breathe