Caring For Aging Parents Support Group
Caring for aging parents can be a difficul time as we become the caretakers for our parents. This broad responsibility can encompass such services as assisted living, adult day care, long term care, nursing homes, hospice care, and in-home care. Whether you have just started caring for your parents or just need a place to talk, we're here.
For those who might not know me, I recently put my mom in a care facility. I has been 2-1/2 months now. The stress, hurt, and confusion of those first couple of months was almost more than I could bear. It was about two weeks ago that I had a call coming up with my two brothers and my mom. We have gotten into the habit of doing a conference call every Sunday. I had called my mom on Wednesday. That turned out to be an hour-and-a-half bitch session where she told me everything that was wrong with the facility and how the nurses didn't care about her, and how much she wanted to go home.
The ensuing three days were hell for me. I was so dreading the call on Sunday. I was so depressed I believe my chin was actually dragging on the ground. Sunday finally rolled around and we made the call. It went relatively well. I did not immediately feel better, but started feeling much, much better starting Monday morning. I have felt fantastic ever since. But now it is time to call her again and I can feel the dread building.
Why do I want to avoid calling my mother so much? Am I a bad son? I love her and want to support her, but I don't want another phone call like the one last Wednesday. I don't ever want to be so depressed again that my chin drags the ground. I will call her, that is for sure. I just wish I could do it without the dread. Thoughts?
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I did the dumbest thing today. I charged my earbuds, unplugged the block and put the block in my little bag instead of the earbuds. I wasn't happy about that when I got to the gym. What a dummy!
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Years ago, I won a mirrored armoire from my job. It's in my bedroom but I rarely stand in front of it. Yesterday, I had to have a dexascan done so I had to change into a gown. There was a full length mirror in the changing room. I'm aware that I gained 5 to 7 pounds over the last year from cheating on Keto but I didn't know what it looked like. It was a reality check.
It's her way of venting.
So, prepare yourself to keep the call short if she starts venting again. You control the dread by putting the information in front of you to keep the conversation civil and pleasant which is support.
You're doing a wonderful job!
Additionally, if you are a people pleaser, if mom had trained you to say "how high" when she says "jump" then you want to fix this for her. But there is no fixing life for your mom any longer. It is her dementia speaking. Go to the codependency support group on here and read the topic article I will cut and paste in the next comment box.
I am going to second that you set a timer for 10 minutes and you start setting boundaries. Tell you mom something like "tell me something good about your day" even if she is bitching. Get that book Loving Hard to Love Parents. Or flat out don't call her. We often allow difficult people to control our lives. Think about how you are allowing her to control how you feel. Take back your power, unchain yourself.
Thank you both for your kind and thoughtful comments. I do need to keep these calls much, much shorter than I have in the past. And yes, I am certainly a people pleaser. I'm not sure if that came from nature or nurture, but I definitely have what one author called an "excessive need to please." Thank you for telling me that my dread is normal and that I can't fix this for her. I want to fix the situation, but I have to realize that is not possible. I do have the book Loving Hard to Love Parents. I'm only about 20% into it, but will keep going. Thanks again to both of you. I am determined to get better at dealing with my aging mother. I want to continue to love and support her ... but without damaging my own life.