Caring For Aging Parents Support Group

Caring for aging parents can be a difficul time as we become the caretakers for our parents. This broad responsibility can encompass such services as assisted living, adult day care, long term care, nursing homes, hospice care, and in-home care. Whether you have just started caring for your parents or just need a place to talk, we're here.

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I threw her in jail

SteadyListener
SteadyListener

My 85 year old mom had been suffering from dementia for several years.  About three months ago she had a significant downturn. (did not know where she was, kept falling, would get lost if she drove somewhere, did know the difference between AM and PM, would call her friends at 3:00am, could not deal with her mail, could not work her telephone or television).  We had been considering putting her in a home for several years.  After the downturn there seemed to be no choice.  We tried to have home healthcare workers take care of her, but she yelled at them, threw things at them, and (while holding a box of matches) threatened to burn the house down).


She was still living at home when, about two months ago, I took her to a doctor's appointment.  She had a bought of uncontrollable vomiting.  We ended up having to call an ambulance which took her to a local hospital.


I had already been researching care facilities.  I got into high gear and found one willing to accept her by the time she was discharged from the hospital.  She has been in the memory care portion of that facility ever since, a total of about seven weeks.  Her dementia has gotten a lot better.  For the most part she knows where she is (although she still sees hallucinations of large bugs -- big as your hand -- on the walls).  She continues to ask to go home.


Yesterday I was at her house to drop off some things.  Being in that house without her triggered a lot of emotions which are hard to describe.  It smelled like her house, all her things were there.  I could image why she would want to be there instead of in some care facility where she only has one room.  I feel like we tore someone out of their house ane (against their will) three them into a one-room prison.  And the real kicker it, that person is my mom.


Can someone please say something that will help me feel better.  I was hopelessly and helplessly depressed yesterday.  It is hard to get anything done.  My motivation is zero.  All I want to do is sleep.  All this is relatively new to me.  I am about three month in to this care facility portion of my mom's aging process.  Please, someone say something to help me feel better, even if it is only a little better.


Thank you.


Bentley

urbangardener
urbangardener
My opinion is you did not put your mom in jail. You actually are taking care of her properly so that she can be safe, cared for, and have proper care. You are doing the right thing for someone who can no longer take care of herself. She doesn't tolerate the care givers that come to her home, has become angry and combative in her dementia which she can't help. Therefore her demands and decisions are not rational and you can't go by them. And it is expensive to pay someone to be with her 24/7 which it sounds like she needs. Right now, she is in a facility that has care staff, food, medical staff to take care of her needs. Her dementia caused anger and hallucinations are difficult to deal with. My MIL was the same. We found that the paid caregiving staff (private pay) did not know how to deal with dementia or the hallucinations. The first assisted living didn't know how to deal with it either. The last one did. Your mom will eventually become "used to" the facility and see it as home but at the same time, she may continue to demand things that are irrational. Give her 3 months at the facility. Don't think you should try to make her be rational. Let go the need to fix the things she is demanding to be done. If she demands you let her "go home", you can be sympathetic and give her stall words like "oh that is tomorrow" or "this is the hotel while your house is being painted" because she is unfortunately in a state of brain disorder. You can't make her be happy anywhere, and she wasn't really happy at home, either as she couldn't function. When the pandemic lockdown is over, she will be able to do things with the others in her unit, meaning activities, if she can or is willing. I will say that my MIL's horrible dementia was heartbreaking. She could no longer cooperate with normal showering or teeth care but would cooperate with going to the hair dresser at the facility. So my MIL needed a hospital bed, a wheelchair, pureed food, higher toilet with rails, shower with built in shower seat and room for the wheelchair, etc. But we have to do what is truly best for them as far as making sure they are safe, have healthy food, have medical care, get bathed, teeth brushed, clean clothes, sheets, towels, house, etc. You are taking care of mom for her highest and best good. These situations are tough. Your desire to sleep is okay. It is depressing to watch our loved ones in this situation. What my husband and I said to each other was his mom was there in physical but no longer in mental capacity. She knew us but her brain disorder took away her independence, ability to hold a real conversation, eat, take care of herself, even watch TV at the end (her old hobby 24/7). There are support groups that may be of great help to yourself. Check out the Alzheimer Association in the USA, or with the facility. Read up online on dementia so you know what is "normal" for this brain disorder. It is a long grieving process we found. I hope this helps you. You are taking care of her in the way that is truly best for her in the situation you describe.
Community LeaderMid
Mid
Making the changes for our elderly parents is difficult.

You have to take time to grieve the loss.

Writing it out is important to help you find your way through this difficult challenge.

You are not alone.
Community LeaderSunCloudJD
SunCloudJD
Big hug for you Bentley..... These times are AWFUL!!!.... I hear you..... I went through the same thing

My mom kept falling.... She stopped eating... It was soooo distressing and all I wanted was for her to come back

Not putting her somewhere where she is cared for in a safe way would be hurting her Bentley

This isn't jail..... She's being cared for around the clock.... She's being kept clean, as safe as possible, fed a healthy diet and having socialization

It is truly the best in a bad situation.... I felt like my heart was being ripped out as well and I felt terribly guilty

My mom was only in a home for a short while however she was no longer safe at home the same as your mom

What others have said is true you're grieving the loss of your mom as you've known her and your grieving what may be coming

I feel for you and I'm hugging you.... It was one of the most painful things I've been involved with...…

As Mid wrote you aren't alone.....xo
carlyj1202
carlyj1202
Are you talking about REAL jail? I think as long as you can visit often she will feel so much better.

I went through this with my Mil and my Dad.

Hugs for you. I can see how you would feel bad as we all do when having to make that decision and as much as it hurts it is usually for the best for all.
SteadyListener
SteadyListener
Dear Carly:

Thank you so much for your response. I appreciate your comments on my cry for help. It is nice to know that I am not alone. Thanks again.
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