Welcome, your not alone with this now... were here to try putting together the best care we can. Hugs

Welcome. Yes, we are here to support you and each other- we're all pretty much in the same boat, I guess. I've said to myself the exact same things as you: if I was a better\ healthier person I could do better, why can't I ask for help, why do I solely feel responsible... I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers. God bless you for caring for your mom.

Taking care of a parent is so hard! After my mom had a massive stroke I took care of her for eight years until she died in 2013. Although it was very hard at times there were blessings along the way. I’ll be praying that you find some of those blessings also. Big supportive hug! Have you considered checking if hospice is available in your area? Here they will take an elderly person for a week or a weekend so the caregiver can have a break. I wonder if they do that in your area also. That way you would know she is being taken great care of and be able to take care of yourself from time to time. I had to take a break from time to time so I didn’t get burnt out. I knew that wouldn’t do me or my mom any good. A break helped me feel refreshed and it help me to keep going. I commend you! for taking care of your mother. I hope you will remember how much you matter and to take care of yourself too. My sincere condolences for your father’s passing. Have you heard of griefshare? It’s offered nationwide so there’s a good chance there’s one in your area. I highly recommend it. There I met other women who were going through the same emotions I was and I no longer felt so alone. It also gave me the tools I needed to start the healing process. It sounds like you’re not only taking care of your mother but you’re grieving the loss of your father. That’s a lot! Be kind to yourself and know that you are being prayed for. I’m so glad you are here and you reached out!

This is my first time reading your posts in this group.

I've moved in my mom's to help her since my dad died two months ago.

It's much harder than I thought. She's not really sick. Just old, very lazy, needs to be waited on constantly. She doesn't even take her pills if I don't pester her.

My dad did everything for her and him even while he was sick and very frail. All she did was whine how he didn't do enough while she did nothing.

She treated him horrible. She didn't cook for him. He'd never cooked. He lived on cookies and peanut butter sandwiches until we got there.

I resent her so much. For how she treated him. I'm taking care of her because I promised him I would.

My brothers do nothing for her.

I'm going to find a caregiver group to go to.

I'm sad and angry all of the time.

I miss our home. Its 80 miles away or I'd just go see her daily for a few hours.

Her house is disgusting. She's a hoarder and won't let me get rid of anything. If I clean she messes it up.

I'm going crazy! My boyfriend babies her. I'm starting to resent him too.

She won't go to assisted living facility. She has a dog who barks and bites and she couldn't bring her with.

I hate my life now!

First of all, I am very sorry that your life had this load for you.

I have a very good friend who used to be a regular on this forum. She was a big proponent of LIMITS! Her parents, based on what you have written and what she wrote, were much like your mother. She was able to set limits for her parents, and they did change their behavior.

Sooooo, a summary of things that she did and that others here (including me) have done.

First, fire yourself from the super-caregiver club. It ain't all it is cracked up to be.

Let your boyfriend know that he needs to be ON YOUR SIDE! He must not enable your mom. Set some guidelines for him. Guidelines is a softer word than rules; rules will be for your mom!

Rules must have consequences, and the consequences must be enforced. I learned from my wife (a great nurse!) that setting rules is best done in short statements, delivered without anger, and using the same words every time. Changing your words looks like weakness to abusive people, and they will try to exploit your changes.

So for example, let your mother know that you will not tolerate her belittling you or your father. Set the consequence so she knows what it will be. For example:

"Mom, I will not tolerate you being rude to me, and I will not tolerate you being rude to dad's memory. If you do I will remove myself from the situation for X PERIOD OF TIME." Obviously you need to set that time, or at least give it a more than vague reference. The the next time she gets rude, leave. Walk away. If you are 30 seconds away from giving a meal to her, put it all away and leave. Go to the store, to your room, walk around the block, chop down that 100 foot pine tree, what ever.

Make similar rules for her being a slob. You can start with the kitchen and let her know that it MUST be kept clean. Tell her what you will do with things. Then do them.

Negotiating these rules may not work with your mother, so you may have to impose them on her.

Gentle hugs

I went through a similar situation and I know how tough it can be. There may be homecare help available. If you haven't looked into that please do. You only have 2 parents and you will miss them both. Please remember words hurt and they can't be taken back. You are taking on a very important task and should be commended for your efforts. It will get harder but don't let anything affect the love you have for your mother. Aging is hard to watch happen to your loved one. After your mother passes away the one thing you DON'T want to deal with is wishing you hadn't said some things or more importantly wishing you had said "I love you" more often. Hugs go a long ways for both. God Bless you for what you are doing.