They are no fine and in denial about it. Nobody likes getting old and losing more and more independence.

IMO it is time to have a family meeting and talk turkey.

You need to set limits and make them stick.

Yes if you walk away and they continue to refuse help someone could fall..... But for some people that is inevitable and might be the only way for them to realize they need help.

And yes. You need to look after your own well being.

Your parents are nearer the end than you are. You still have a lot of living to do and it is not fair for you to use up what you have left in worry and guilt.

"Your parents are nearer the end than you are. You still have a lot of living to do and it is not fair for you to use up what you have left in worry and guilt. " -TroJanThunder

Love this. Worry and guilt are what erode our self worth. I don't agree that years and years should be spent surrounded in this cloud. In the end, it does nothing but rob us (and our parents) of time here on Earth.

I agree that it is time to develop a plan and adhere to it. Gather everyone involved and start putting one in place. Clear expectations will make everything go smoother. I know you will find lots of great advice on here, too.

I know it's hard, but you have to start standing up for yourself.
I have a mom (dad has passed, but he was a horrible, hateful person as well).
There comes a time when enough is enough and you become the parent and they become the child....BTW....a memo of switching roles is never sent to either party.
My mom has bucked my clear decisions and help forever. We had a huge blow out this past January and I walked out on her and didn't call or visit for 3 days. She tried to suck me in on the third day....but I stood my ground and stayed away. Guess what.....when she realized that I would not tolerate her nonsense....she changed....not completely at first, but the more I stood my ground of intolerance for her bad behavior, the better it has become.

Recently, my mom who is in a wheelchair and has been for 15 years, had a therapist feel my mom is too dependent on the wheelchair and got her a walker (my mom has also been chomping at the bit to walk again, but lives in lala land about her severely deformed back and hips). This therapist has never seen my mom's back xrays or knows anything about her history....but my mom thought this woman held the golden ticket to walking again....HA. I was upset about the decision becuz I know how bad a fall could be and that is all I imagined....mom falling and breaking a hip or leg (she usually hits her head). I decided to step back from it all as mom was determined to walk again and disregarded my warnings that this could lead to a fall.....possibly a serious one. So I decided to just deal with the fall when it would happen.....and guess what???? she tried to use the walker and got halfway down the hall and decided she is too weak and that using the walker is out of the question! (I secretly won that battle)>
It took the stress off me and ended the battle.
The battle is usually about them losing their independence and feeling like they can not have any control on aging and the end of their life.
I think they sense that tension and that is where the battle of wills comes into play.
I have learned to loosen up a bit and pick my battles....otherwise I become a wreck and am no good to anyone....including myself.
I know the difficulties you are encountering and the stress you are putting on yourself.
Learn to stand your ground and step back a bit.....tell them firmly that if they refuse to hire someone and they disrespect you.....then they are on their own....then follow through. They may fall and break a bone, but then they are at YOUR mercy and will have to comply by hiring a caregiver. When you stop letting them treat you badly.....they will stop.
I don't mean to sound harsh or condescending......I'm just trying to help.
It is good to come here and vent as well.....it definitely helps to let off steam, but the constant stress of not doing anything is only hurting yourself. I get it.....it's hard to put boundaries in place and sometimes it is hard to find a solution when you're in the middle of chaos.
Wishing you the best and peace (((((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))))))))

I would also suggest a family meeting...see what everyone thinks...maybe someone will have a plan.
My mom is purchasing some pre made meals from a grocery store, and dividing them up into smaller units and freezing. Sometimes she eats really well, and others, she has cheese and crackers and ice cream. But pre made as made our lives a whole lot easier.
My mom still doesn't like the cleaning lady coming in every other week, but now accepts it. and good news...she loves having a yard guy/handyman. She is a lot less cranky when everything is functioning well...and yes, she has the money to be able to afford these luxuries...and it keeps the peace.

Hear your frustration sending hugs your way
Bill

thank you all for the great support and advice. sadly there will never be a full family meeting as my brother who is in charge of everything , Is not willing and wont do anything to change anything. my sister and I are in agreement and have tried to recently set things out but not together. it is always something, now it is the holidays, wow, what do they do, they now come and enjoy the time. I understand the fear and sadness of losing independence, I know I will be horrible when it comes. last night I laid out the cards and sure enough my mother got up and was crying, I got yelled at for getting her crying and this was just over getting someone in. I told my dad that he had promised me many times when we talked about this he agreed and would back me up and he never has. told him without his back up, it wont happen, why aren't you keeping your word. he doesn't want mom to get upset, well I said that is to bad, she gets upset over weverthing and this is something to help.

I am practically the poster child for what Ms blank described.

Read her post again.

You simply MUST stand up for yourself and walk away every time they diss you!

If that makes your Dad cry or other family members diss you too bad for them.

You WILL see some positive change if you use these tools.

If you don't nothing will change.

i did re read MSBLANK comment and it is all very true. i forgot to mention that on sunday night i also threw my arms up in the air and said forget it i give up, not bothering anymore. i also said what will happen is one of you will get hurt and thennthere will be no choice. my mother said what do you mean you give up? i said it again, that i am not going to repeat and repeat the same thing, all we want is for the 2 of you tobe safe and i am sick of it. that is when she got up and cried. they don't want to spend the money on getting someone in, they don't have tons of money but it would be cheaper then moving into a nice facility. my brother ruins everything, he doesn't want the trust in the house to change, he has said he wants whatever money he can get, and he is the exectutor. i am going to try and not get involved and cause me undo stress, cant afford it

Well then I guess there is nothing you can do but walk away and never come back. Sorry . Wish things could be different for you.

ann ~ I feel your frustration. Thank you for adding that additional information about blowing up at your parents (Mom). Don't let her tears and anger manipulate you any more (it's their weapon of choice to control you....and it works well).
When I had my blow up with my mom this past January. I took it a step further. I brought mom's checkbook (I pay her bills and expenses) and all her bill and set them on her kitchen table and said "you can do this from now on!" (My mom is not capable of balancing her account.....she has no common sense and understanding of how the system works....no logic). I calmly walked out and didn't speak to her for 10 days....nor did I visit.
She felt totally alienated as there is no one else to help her. Everyone else has robbed her, beat her up verbally and physically, and only uses her.
I feel by standing my ground even tho she tried desperately to suck me back into her web......she had no other choice but to change. She came to realize that I was her lifeline and she better not bite the hand that is taking care of her!
It was hard to stand up to my mom (and my dad).....but by doing so, I gained self respect and have learned to love and take care of me too.
Mom can still get the best of me at times......so I put distance between the two of us. I only visit her once a week instead of every other day. It has let my mom be more independent and she has also learned that she isn't as capable of taking care of herself alone any more.
My parents blew their savings on keeping my sick father at home for 21 years. They hired college students and non medical ppl that would settle for $3 an hour for 2-4 hours 4 times a week.
Any how....somehow they managed and now mom lives on a very small pension and SS with very LITTLE in savings. I'm crossing my fingers that she dies before her money runs out.
I don't have any siblings to help me out and after some of the things I've witnessed with friends and other ppl......I'm a bit glad that I don't have to deal with all that drama as well.
I don't have to worry about money or "things"....cuz their ain't much left.....I do it cuz even tho my parents were horrible.....they are still my parents and I have come to appreciate what they DID do for me as a child. It's the little things like giving me a piano and lessons even tho they were broke. Mom tried to make the holidays special even tho the rest of our lives were chaotic.
My dad was a cop in a small town. It came with perks of getting into movies for free and free access to the beach to swim (great memories there). We got free day old bakery goods that we sprinkled with water and warmed up in the oven to bring them back to life....and enjoyed them with a big ol mug of hot chocolate topped with a marshmallow! We went to visit our grandparents out of state once (twice if we were lucky) a year.....Oh happy day!!!!!
The good times out weighed the bad times which were plenty (my dad beat us and sexually abused me regularly.....and he ran around on mom). We just made the best out of what we had.
I guess what sealed the deal is when my brother (only sibling....19 months older than me) was killed in a motorcycle accident when he was 16....5 days before my 15th birthday. It devastated us....it ripped us all apart and I have been picking up the pieces for the past 40 years....through my own pain of losing my brother....my best friend! I had a breakdown as a result of all that happened in my life 15 years after his death and also being trapped in an abusive marriage.
Well.....so much for my rant. I apologize for stealing the thread....not looking for sympathy....just wanting you to know that no matter how bad it is.....we can stand up for ourselves and gain respect from our parents. I think it's good you have your feelings out in the open with your parents. They know where they stand with you. I think distancing yourself and throwing the responsibility on your brother will help everyone here. I know he is not capable of taking care of them....but now your parents will see it too....but only if you stand back and let the chips fall where they may IMO.
It won't be easy, but all so necessary if you want change.
I wish you the best and hope you can find the peace you deserve through all of the chaos.

Sometimes we don't have any other choice but to just wait and see what happens. There's not much you can do when they refuse help. An incident will happen, it's just a matter of time. When it does, that's when you can take action.