What would your mom do if you looked at her and said NO..NO more nasty comments, NO more orders? I've found lately that I'm taking Trojans advice more and more. I don't let my mother get away with some of her manipulative tricks and its a lot nicer to talk to her.

You are not alone. I'm on my mom's poopie list cuz I asked her NICELY to stop treating me like crap (I'm not her favorite child.....I'm always frying the wrong egg).
Can I join ya in a cold cup of coffee?
There tongues are like knives and they keep stabbing us in the heart.
I think my mom is a serial killer!!!

There should be their.....uuuugggghhhhhhh. I can't even get the right spelling correct!!!!!

I think that the trick here is to NOT let them get to us.

Think about small children who cry when they do not get their way, even when what they want is bad/harmful for them. Some children escalate times like this screaming that they hate us.

See your moms that way! They are acting like children making inappropriate and hurtful statements. We have no obligation to justify our "instructions" not to be treated that way.

It is abusive to sit down and ruin a persons day with nothing but rudeness. It is time to stand up and say, "NO MORE, I am a human being like you. How would you like me to give you a taste of what it feels like to have someone constantly saying nasty things to you?"

They will never stop unless and until we stand up for ourselves. We are no longer little children - but even then we never deserved to be spoken to rudely!

No one should be allowed to behave this way toward other humans simply because they are "parents" and we are "children". WE are adults worthy of respect simply for continuing to put up with them.

Good for you Tigg! Ditto to Sunny. Everybody already knows what I think. If you set limits on your mom you will BOTH be a lot happier!

She is not venting, she is abusing you!

I agree. I am on day 3 of my mom not talking to me becuz I asked her firmly but nicely to stop saying and doing hurtful things.
She promptly threw it back on me. I have been standing my ground which is making her even more child like. This makes taking care of her extremely difficult :(

Be patient. It does not improve overnight but it WILL get better if you stick to your guns!

So how are you reacting to her not talking?

Making small talk, giving her the option to respond is a good way. It shows that you are open to conversation, but you are not backing down from your "treat me nice" requirements.

I called my mom earlier and she did not pick up. I am suppose to go to her place tomorrow. I did a little shopping for her. I told her I would be by in the afternoon. I asked if she was still mad at me and told her to plz call me even if she was mad.....still no response 5 hours later (she doesn't drive and lives in a facility, so I know she is there). She loves to use passive aggressive behavior.....it drives me nuts.
I will still go over there tomorrow, but won't stay if she starts fighting with me.

We have to treat them like children around 2-4 years old. This is a temper tantrum. While it is just "the silent treatment" and no acting out, ignoring them "back" is effective. Once they actually choose to interact again, then it is time to open a discussion about acting respectfully.

I did it with dad the other day. He just showed up just when I was busy, stood in the hallway whining, finally he says, "I am thinking of taking 'music' lessons again." (He means piano.) His piano (electric - when he quit lessons, he just left it in the middle of one of my rooms essentially abandoned) is taken apart and stuck into a corner.
I said, "your piano is over there. Take it with you now."
He goes over and picks up part of the stand giving one of those heavy exhales as he picks it up like it weighs much more than the 1.5 lbs of its total weight.
Puts that piece somewhere, comes back to "lift" the actual keyboard, acting like it weighs 50 lbs (it weighs maybe 15 lbs.)
Puts it back down with a heavy sigh,
Picks it up again, heavy sigh,
Eventually, he just stops and leans on the wall like this is the end of the world.

I can not lift anything at all! Damaged disc's (maybe 1 mm of cushion tissue left), and recent car accident nearly killing me means no heavy lifting (no more than 3 lbs.) at all. I offered to ask hubby when he gets home and left it at that.
I am done jumping to his childish "I can't do this because I am an OLD MAN. You are 'young' so you automatically MUST BE capable of doing anything that I want done."
He could give my son a $5 and have him carry it out, follow to his house and bring it in if he was not so cheap.

Sorry, I went on much longer than I planned. Hope you are doing better toayd.

Sunny ~ mom was indeed "hurt" and said she needed to give both of us time to cool off????WTH????? I told her that the silent treatment doesn't resolve issues, it only gives time for things to fester. I told her the hurt goes both ways and that I bleed red and have feelings too.
She kept telling me to drop it. It is very difficult, but you are right. I should have left her to stew and just went over today and drop stuff off. Unfortunately, she needs a winter coat and it's starting to get a bit crisp here....so I need to take her out to a few stores today.
I have an appointment with my therapist next weekend........that can't happen soon enough! However, you all have been very helpful and I apologize for taking over this thread.

I hear you on the setting boundaries part. It works at the time and then has to be repeated to the Nth power. Well, with my Mom anyway. If she can not remember things then it is "ass-umed" that she may not remember to be nice.

I am a hold it in a melt down person. I try not to but learned to be quiet
around people with emotional instability. There is no set expectation of their being able to control actions.

Watching people in a tirade takes practice. It is hard not to react and let them have it back. My hat is off to all who are nurses, social workers, police. Man, you folks get the worst treatment at times.

I will tell you that my Mom is trying to get a rise out of me when her evil twin takes over spewing one remark after the other. When the real Mom comes back I resume taking her places etc.

Anyone want to join Ms Blank and me for cold coffee in the parking lot this weekend?

Thanks all for your ideas and support.

Hugs and smiles
P

Yes. You DO have to keep reinforcing! Just think about how long the bad habits have been forming. All of your life,right?

I did not have the skills to stand up to my parents until I was well into my forties and it did not really stick until just about my sixty third year on the planet!

So no settling for cold coffee you two!

I'll join you for the coffee lol I have had some good discussions with my MIL (alzheimers) re: boundaries etc and less than 10 seconds later she has absolutely no recollection of any of it. My days with her have become almost "mechanical." Wake up, pee, poop, bathe,- all after tons of cajoling. Repeat............repeat..............finally get her into bed for the night.

Don't get me wrong. I try to joke with her and I hug her etc etc but she remembers none of it. My house has been "taken over" by my inlaws since I moved them in with me and yes, I have created some boundaries but most days I feel like a doormat.

(FIL is in wheelchair, 24 hr oxygen, and he poops at least 2x a day. It's a big production every time. You'd have to see it to believe it).

My sweet husband died 3 1/2 years ago and I am doing this for him. He would be appalled at what has happened but.....he would be so grateful.
I adored Bill and still do. My love for him drives me and inspires me to get through this and I will.

Still............I'd like in on the coffee!