you have given up your entire life and identity for someone who does not appreciate it...you have no boundaries to defend, you erased them.
1. have a heart to heart and tell her how she hurts you.
2. offer to arrange some other sort of living arrangement for her if she can think of some other way she would like to live
3. if she gets a fever with her cough and phlem, make her see a doctor...the darn doctor didn't kill her husband...(I don't think he did, anyway--- but if she thinks he did, make sure it is a different doctor (wink))
4. you need to re establish some sort of life for yourself, because in spite of your very best efforts (which sound exceptional), she will one day pass on, and you will have absolutely nothing, and be starting from scratch. You can have something in your life. you are not a slave. Respecting our parent is one thing, but becoming a martyr is not what is intended for us.
5. find something that gives you joy and enjoy it without guilt.
And if mom doesn't like it? the credit card option sounds like a good one.
peace.

yeah don't jump off balcony....that hurts...

Oh boy! She's a handful.

The next time she comes out with a comment such as that you should turn to her and ask her if she's talking to imaginary friends in the room because the only real person in the room hasn't stopped all day! Blue is right, you need to set boundaries around what is acceptable behavior and what isn't and keep reiterating to her. It's so hurtful and insulting at the same time!

I go through this finance nonsense with my mother also. It burns me up to no end. She pays for nothing and yet to hear her talk her finances have been drained by us! Those comments floor us and normally my husband let's me handle it but he recently snapped back at her and asked her to show him one check that she's issued to either of us or for anything in this house. Course she started mumbling and walked off. So, he followed her down to her room to push the issue. Oh boy; he was miffed, (it's the only polite word, I'd use here). I told her the other day that she had to stop re-writing the history in my house; you can re-write it but it doesn't make it true!

Oh, I can surely feel your pain!

Boundaries. Rules Consequences for her actions the only way.

Or you could leave... but pls use the door and not the balcony!

I totally understand and am dealing with the same thing with my mom and stepdad. My mom was severly disabled and my dad was an absentee father until he left for good when I was in high school. I have taken care of my mom since I was a kid. I have neglected myself, my relationships and health and sacrificed for years. I finally started setting boundaries in the past year with my mom partly due to my own sanity, my therapist I finally started going to said I should and because my hubby and I now have his 83 year old father in law living with us who has dementia. My mom should be in full time nursing care and won't go, my stepdad won't make her go and now they unloaded on me last week and told me what a one sided relationship is and my stepdad told me he doenst' know how I can I sleep at night because I only call my mom every day now and stopped going by every day ( I am only working 50 to 60 hours a week) plus taking care of my own house. I know what I have given and how I have for years taken care of her and honored my mom. Now I just have to figure out how to be okay with the fact they have forgotten or choose not to understand and know that it is okay. So, I understand. Prayers and hugs to you as we both try to figure this out

I feel your pain! I wish I could give advice but I actually came here looking for some too! My husband died by suicide a little over a year ago which forced me to move in with my parents, both in their 80's and since I've moved in they've both gone legally blind so I have to do all the driving. I work from home which sounds great but also means that my mom thinks I'm at her beck and call! She has me running for her all the time when I should be working. I take her everywhere she wants to go. I pay for most of the groceries and the power bill. I do a lot of the cleaning and some of the cooking. She wants to dictate what everyone eats. I have no friends. All of my time is spent doing for mom and yesterday she had probably had a bit to much wine and said she was upset because she felt like I resent having to do for her! That was a real slap in the face. I have always told her I don't mind. I feel like a prisoner in her home. I lost everything when my husband died and had to file bankruptcy so I don't even have a credit card. Most of my money goes to help my 18 year old son who is in college and this house that I don't even want to be at. My dad is depressed. He's lost most of his site and mom is constantly telling him what to do. It's a tough life but we have to hang in there and hope for the best. That's all we can do I guess.
Hugs,
MN

I'm looking for advice too! But to Lifeisso at the very least, when you sit to take a breather and she acts like you should still be working you should be like "yep!" and get up and move to another room. Old people just don't get it, your mom has nothing to do but tell you to clean. She can't do anything about it, so clean when you want and sit when you want.

Brightyellow, I feel similar in how you feel. I'm just so depressed myself. I lost my older and only sibling a few months ago. I used to have her for fun and to help out with the parents, now it's just me. I live with my mom and it's absolutely driving me to want to jump into traffic. I have no life, no friends. My sister was my only social hub and we did EVERYTHING together. I finally bought a car and my mom thinks it's just to drive her to get food.

Everytime she brings up going to pick up some dinner somewhere I break down. I just cry and get so depressed and upset. I just feel my life and soul crumbling. This is what I bought a car for? To drive her to pick up some turkey dinner? If it's not about food or QVC she's not interested. She has arthritis in her spine so doesn't want to walk or stand for longer than 10 seconds so her life is spent eating on the couch and watching QVC. And drinking pop. She is diabetic and thinks just because the pop is diet it's okay to drink 5 cans a day.

I just hate my life so much. I could deal with it when my sister was here, but with her gone I just realize just how much she made my life worth living. I have literally nothing to even live for. She is old and done with her life and just don't get it.

She can just be so annoying. She has to have 50 pieces of ice in every glass but never makes any ice trays, and didn't want me to get an ice maker in the new fridge I bought, so I'm wondering if she thinks an ice farm is in the backyard or what. She is constantly yelling out for me to bring her a glass of ice. She is retired and at home all day, yet does nothing. I know her back hurts, but still. Even if she gets tired or her back hurts, she's right at home and can sit right back down. No excuse.

She wakes up looking for the remote. Her conversation with me is asking me to give her the remote. Nice. I feel like stabbing myself in the brain multiple times a day. She is oblivious to everything.

The thing that keeps me going is that I do love my mom, although I don't like her behaviour! I spent the last 2 weeks contacting stores, doctors, associations and all my contacts trying to find a mobile optometrist for her. Yesterday I had a call from somebody and was overjoyed - I told her and she was happy! I quickly paid the travel fee and confirmed our request for an appointment. This morning she tells me that we should have waited, that it isn't really necessary and there's no rush - after complaining for the past month about her glasses.

The most frustrating is that I ask her what she wants to eat before I go shopping (I manage to get out 6 hours a week) and she says "anything". Then I buy the items, cook them and she will eat them 1 or 2 times and then leave it on her plate and say she doesn't like it. I'm eating 5 super soft dishes every week and feel like I'm 90 years old. Every night there's a "cold wind" blowing on her face so she wears a surgical mask, I turn the heaters on and it's "too hot to sleep" so I'm up all night adjusting the temperature (there's no cold wind as we live in a condo and the windows are all closed).

It's so hard to be responsible for somebody's happiness, but I don;t want to regret not having done everything I can - as I regretted this for dad when he passed 4 months ago. I hired a caregiver for a day to give me some relief - it's expensive at $200 a time, but she had a great time chatting with her and I was relieved to just rest and wander around the mall and get a haircut. Of course, the caregiver is better than me because she gives her 100% attention while I have to work and do housework too. She's also listening to all the health stories from the caregiver about colon cleanses, liver flushes, new face creams, etc. etc. and is hinting that she wants this too!

I feel for all of you who are doing this - I'm an only child and mom's relatives only want to know us when and if they can get something from us. They wouldn't even help or visit mom when my dad was in hospital or take her any food, so I'm writing them out of my life!

God will bless us all for our sacrificial service and caring one day - but I wish I had 2 days to sleep right now ...

Lifeissocruel, you are true blessing to your mother. I am now an only child after my sister passed away and it's making me a complete anxious wreck. I don't do well making big decisions. I never had a life to begin with so the idea of having to grow into an old lady with even less of a life caring for my mom, especially, makes me just want to end it all right now.

I don't think there is anything wrong with wanting that time for yourself. I think that there is just about no way out of feeling guilty. I know that now. I do a lot for my mom, but I know I will still feel guilty after all is said and done because that it's just the way our emotions work and mind work. I already feel a little guilty sometimes for wanting to leave her and go have a life and what is wrong with that? Not a thing.

Do what you need to do for your mom and even give her a treat once in a while that she might like--a facial, foot massage/bath, something like that. But if it's unnecessary and would be to much on you, then don't. Sometimes I think old people forget that we are not as young as they think we are, and they think that just because they want something they are supposed to get it.

I remember my grandma mentioning some dust on top of some cabinet. Well, that dust just sat there. I was not jumping up right then, getting a chair and dusting. Some things we all just have to live with, lol.

When you are home with her, what kinds of things does she do? Does she watch TV?

I agree with Blue, you need to set limits for your mother. Each limit needs a consequence that must be imposed.

It is hard, but if you are to stay with her it is the only way.

As for leaving, that may turn out to be your best option. But since we are not you we can not make that determination. But if you do choose to leave follow Bill's advice. take the stairs, do not jump!

Wow, are all moms doing this to their daughters? Are they envious that their daughters have lives while they age? Mom doesn't remember that when she was 60, her mom lived independently until she was 89 and all she had to do was visit once a week to bring some groceries! Today I put some chicken into the slow cooker after breakfast and lunch, did the laundry, mended some pants and fixed our shoes with super-glue.

I had only gone into my room for 3 minutes to lay down and watch TV from my bed (she hogs her favourite channels in the living room so I've rescued my old heavy TV from storage) and she makes sure to open my door without knocking to ask me to find her sweater which she hasn't seen in many years!

Not sure if dementia is setting in or if she wants to kill me with irritation! And no, I won't be leaving - because she moved into MY home which has now been changed into a hospital with no mats, grab bars everywhere and my living room is full of diapers!

Yes, I know I'll be writing in the bereavement forum one day and regretting all that I'm sharing, but right now I'm so stressed, I'm ready to blow!

Big hugs to you all for being a stoic loving woman who has given up so much (guess we were all hoping for a restful retirement but now we have to juggle 2 jobs, 1 to earn a living and 1 to keep a loved one alive, not easy for anyone. We continue to thank God for keeping us going and for our own health, and believe that one day He will also ensure we get care when we're old.

Not all moms do this to their daughters. We have issues with my MIL, but she is mostly a sweetheart to us. (In a passive aggressive sort of way!)

Please consider putting a lock on your door. You deserve time on your own. You can also put security cameras in your house so that you can monitor her. Let her know where they are, and do not put them in her room or the bathroom.

Continuing hugs.