Caring For Aging Parents Support Group
Caring for aging parents can be a difficul time as we become the caretakers for our parents. This broad responsibility can encompass such services as assisted living, adult day care, long term care, nursing homes, hospice care, and in-home care. Whether you have just started caring for your parents or just need a place to talk, we're here.
O.K. My dad has basically given up. He suffers from severe depression. According to his doctors, there is nothing else wrong with him. Yes, he had a broken leg 2 years ago, but that is healed. He had triple bypass last Thanksgiving, but his heart is fine now. However, for the last year he has done nothing but lay on the couch and make everyone's life miserable. He does have stomach problems, but they have diagnosed that as IBS and he is now dependent on Vicodin. They have sent physical therapist and occupational therapist and he was in a therapy group for several weeks and he will not do what he is told.
My question is...how much do you push a parent who is obviously just playing games. He said he's dependent on a walker, but I just witnessed the walker sitting in the middle of the kitchen and he was fixing cereal and getting juice and not once did he need the walker or was shaky.
He has decided to sleep on the couch 24/7 because he claims he can't sleep in the bedroom. In reality....he's out there to eat things all night that he shouldn't.
So, do you call him on his crap? Lay down some rules and make boundaries? Tell him, he will do what he is supposed to do?
And lastly, he is using a urine bottle, because he's too lazy to go into the bathroom and it is sitting next to his cereal and juice bowl. And we caught him one night throwing it out on top of dishes in the sink. I just got out of the hospital and the nurses told me that is NOT sanitary and that with my compromised immune system, I could get one infection after another. I was in the hospital for celulitis and a kidney infection. So....do I take that urine bottle and throw it out and tell him he will go to the bathroom?
It's almost like dealing with a two year old. Where do you take charge or do they run the house? I spent most of my time in the bedroom or wearing a mask because of germs. And this is definitely affecting my life.
My question is...how much do you push a parent who is obviously just playing games. He said he's dependent on a walker, but I just witnessed the walker sitting in the middle of the kitchen and he was fixing cereal and getting juice and not once did he need the walker or was shaky.
He has decided to sleep on the couch 24/7 because he claims he can't sleep in the bedroom. In reality....he's out there to eat things all night that he shouldn't.
So, do you call him on his crap? Lay down some rules and make boundaries? Tell him, he will do what he is supposed to do?
And lastly, he is using a urine bottle, because he's too lazy to go into the bathroom and it is sitting next to his cereal and juice bowl. And we caught him one night throwing it out on top of dishes in the sink. I just got out of the hospital and the nurses told me that is NOT sanitary and that with my compromised immune system, I could get one infection after another. I was in the hospital for celulitis and a kidney infection. So....do I take that urine bottle and throw it out and tell him he will go to the bathroom?
It's almost like dealing with a two year old. Where do you take charge or do they run the house? I spent most of my time in the bedroom or wearing a mask because of germs. And this is definitely affecting my life.
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My 6mo twin DD's are EBF and just started rice cereal on the first. Everything has been going fine except this morning one of them had a diaper rash (lots of redness around her anus). I read this as one of the signs of an allergy. BUT I did just buy a different brand diaper yesterday (which they have used randomly before w/no issues). Do you think its the cereal or the diaper? Im ready to start...
Dad has a right to live how he pleases as long as he is competent, which it sounds like. But you need to be concerned with your own health.
While gone, you can have the house cleaned. Bring him back to a place of structure. It is a lot of work. But there are out patient programs to send him to for maintenance. Perhaps it may help.
If Mom and Dad do not go along with you then moving needs to be your next step. They may straighten up.
I wish you the best here.
P
His behavior is definately not "normal" but as people age their sense of appropriate changes. My normally modest mother will now strip in front of anyone at any time of day. Mom also has no sense of day and night and has nothing much to do so she spends all day on the couch or in bed.
Does your dad take any meds for depression or dementia? He sounds like he might have some vascular dementia(based on heart problems) which affects the executive portion of the brain which controls appropriate behaviors. One of the most commonly seen problems with this specific type of dementia is an obsession with sex and porn.
I think if you consider that your dad has some dementia or other mental health issue it will be easier to see that he is not doing these things because he is lazy or trying to upset you. It's hard not to take these things personally which is why it is easier for strangers to provide care.
Only you know what options are possible and then which might be best. It sounds like caring for your parents is taking a toll on your health which is not good for you or for them. You will need every bit of your strength and sanity to deal with your parents over the next years. If mom also needs help you might look into group homes that take couples. AZ has lots of wonderful homes like this and they are much more affordable. You could also use the time to get their house cleaned up and ready for sale if that becomes necessary to pay for their care.
My mom also suffers from depression and I use the same phrase you do: she gave up a long time ago. Yes, she has some health problems, but they should not be causing her to be confined to bed.
I don't know that i have advice, except take care of yourself first. If you offer help and they don't take it....at least you know you tried.
The sad part is that a little pill would make such a difference in their lives and in ours.
Now that he is older he no longer has the physical edge, so he may change his tune. NOt saying that you should threaten him physically, far from it! But it should be easier to tell him no and really mean it.