Caring For Aging Parents Support Group
Caring for aging parents can be a difficul time as we become the caretakers for our parents. This broad responsibility can encompass such services as assisted living, adult day care, long term care, nursing homes, hospice care, and in-home care. Whether you have just started caring for your parents or just need a place to talk, we're here.
sorry to vent but I feel like an A$$.
The Dr. rcommended to get in contact with my sis and bro to let them know about mom's mental situation and to keep them update from time to time, so in the event of something drastic happening to her, they can't blame me and say they were not aware of her medical condition.
Met with them and my bro was indifferent saying well she looks and sounds fine. Sis went over the deep end and started calling her cellphone cable and looking over her "money" matters. She does not work and I suspect she is an alcoholic and is a bit mental, looks a mess. But I remember her guilting me when our dad died,saying "You did nothing, I did everything." I had three babies and he chose a nursing home 4 hrs away. I had no car. What about my bro single, and her single. Sorry brings back bad memories.
I said "all that is take care of this summer. You come back 3 years later and think nothing has been done. I did it already!" She comes back with "well things change". It took all that I had to not scream at her. I left it with "well go right on ahead" She is stupid in that all her beliefs are based not on researching things but what she heard or thinks. GRRRRRR!!!
So I fear all that I have in place will be undone. She's say we should force my mom to sign over POA over her money. I told her can't be done unless there is evidence that she lost a significant amount of $$ to make the courts deem incompetent in that area. but she is not there yet, she spends her money on ebay buying $20 items amount to $100 a month.
I have a POA in place over her bank account to pay her bill if she is hospitalized or incapacitated. She has a living will and will.
Now my mom had a low grade fever for 4 days now and dr said to go over and take temp and ask questions about any pain and appetite, etc. Call her before I go, no answer. I call my sister no answer. I text her and she texts "She's fine she went shopping!"
Call mom she say she's fine, she leaves her phone at home. So stop bothering her. If she needs help she will crawl 2 flights of stairs to my sis apt. (HELLO!! is this really practical?)" If she dies she dies so what. It's MY LIFE". I told her: well then why don't you just die already. You can't even go to the dr by yourself and you don't understand what they tell you. " She says I understand english i lived here for 40 yrs.
Then I realize what is the use. She believes shes fine and is slowly mentally deteriorating. Im just frustrated.
I'm beaten. I give up. I already lost a bunch of my hair and have bald spots and can't sleep. I called the dr and apologized for bothering him since she didn't want any help or me to come over and check.
I realize I can only help when something drastic like her falling and breaking hip or extremely sick. Her home is clean and she has ok food in the frige. so...
But what hurts is that I love my mother and have to "watch" until something happens before I can step in. She doesn't want me in her daily life besides calling her to see if she takes her meds. or some times going out with us so see her grandkids.
And that is hard to accept but I know I cannot force her or my siblings to do what I think is right.
I feel like a fool, hoping for something better and now a mess.
Thanks for reading my long story.
The Dr. rcommended to get in contact with my sis and bro to let them know about mom's mental situation and to keep them update from time to time, so in the event of something drastic happening to her, they can't blame me and say they were not aware of her medical condition.
Met with them and my bro was indifferent saying well she looks and sounds fine. Sis went over the deep end and started calling her cellphone cable and looking over her "money" matters. She does not work and I suspect she is an alcoholic and is a bit mental, looks a mess. But I remember her guilting me when our dad died,saying "You did nothing, I did everything." I had three babies and he chose a nursing home 4 hrs away. I had no car. What about my bro single, and her single. Sorry brings back bad memories.
I said "all that is take care of this summer. You come back 3 years later and think nothing has been done. I did it already!" She comes back with "well things change". It took all that I had to not scream at her. I left it with "well go right on ahead" She is stupid in that all her beliefs are based not on researching things but what she heard or thinks. GRRRRRR!!!
So I fear all that I have in place will be undone. She's say we should force my mom to sign over POA over her money. I told her can't be done unless there is evidence that she lost a significant amount of $$ to make the courts deem incompetent in that area. but she is not there yet, she spends her money on ebay buying $20 items amount to $100 a month.
I have a POA in place over her bank account to pay her bill if she is hospitalized or incapacitated. She has a living will and will.
Now my mom had a low grade fever for 4 days now and dr said to go over and take temp and ask questions about any pain and appetite, etc. Call her before I go, no answer. I call my sister no answer. I text her and she texts "She's fine she went shopping!"
Call mom she say she's fine, she leaves her phone at home. So stop bothering her. If she needs help she will crawl 2 flights of stairs to my sis apt. (HELLO!! is this really practical?)" If she dies she dies so what. It's MY LIFE". I told her: well then why don't you just die already. You can't even go to the dr by yourself and you don't understand what they tell you. " She says I understand english i lived here for 40 yrs.
Then I realize what is the use. She believes shes fine and is slowly mentally deteriorating. Im just frustrated.
I'm beaten. I give up. I already lost a bunch of my hair and have bald spots and can't sleep. I called the dr and apologized for bothering him since she didn't want any help or me to come over and check.
I realize I can only help when something drastic like her falling and breaking hip or extremely sick. Her home is clean and she has ok food in the frige. so...
But what hurts is that I love my mother and have to "watch" until something happens before I can step in. She doesn't want me in her daily life besides calling her to see if she takes her meds. or some times going out with us so see her grandkids.
And that is hard to accept but I know I cannot force her or my siblings to do what I think is right.
I feel like a fool, hoping for something better and now a mess.
Thanks for reading my long story.
Having you and your brother and sister in on things would be a good idea, if you all had the same idea about what needed to be done. I am sorry that there is not agreement about what needs to be done.
It is very hard when our parents are making poor choices and then get stubborn about the decisions they make. Our job then becomes one of helping them to make better decisions, without them really knowing what we are doing.
It is hard, and there is no guarantee that it will work.
If it helps, one thing we talk about here is that we want our parents to have be happy, perhaps living a shorter life, than to live a longer life and be miserable.
Gentle hugs as you work through this.
It sounds as though you are doing all the right things. Let the siblings do what they want and keep doing what you are doing. It sounds like they're vying for positions here where your mother's finances are concerned.
I guess I must accept the boundaries that my mom has set up, even if it is not in her best interest in the future, I have to remind myself is it is her life and she is enjoying it the way she does things now. And a shorter happy life is better than a longer restricted life.
I want her to be happy and even if that happiness doesn't include me.
This is where I am failing that I haven't come to terms with her getting old and slowly mentally declining. My emotional side has not come to terms with it. I know it is better that she still know what she wants and does what she wants, that there is still a part of her that is still her. Having a hard time adjusting but I know here I can get the support and understanding even if I can't get it from my siblings.
Thanksonce again.
I'm so sorry you are going through this and NOW you must think of yourself and take better care of you. Your siblings sound like they only want a piece of the pie. You should keep an eye on your mom, for you but also take some time for you. You matter too.
I hope you take care of yourself. Really sorry you are going through this now.
I'm evicting my mom, who is so antagonistic it's gotten to the point I cry if I'm around her (difficult, since she lives with me and Hubby). But she is apparently "capable" according to everyone. She just seems to not care what happens to her. And that helplessness, seeing that? Eats me up.
Not hijacking, just saying---would love a magic pill to get Mom to see her behavior from another POV, but until that point? Yeah, I too must wait for it to be severe before she'll accept help.
Purrs of support.