Hello lynned, good evening. I am sorry that you are having tough time commnicating with ur mom and also going thro so much pain regarding your health as well. This is my humble opinion okay. if it does not make sense..just please ignore it. sometimes..although we children may think or feel that parents are doing okay and why are thy not doing what they are supposed to do when they are healthy..but many a time..they may be feeling or looking healthy from outside..however they may be going thro a lot inside of themselves which may cause depression in them. as u said..I assume that till now u were away and you came to ur parents ome due to ur medial problem..maybe till u were away..ur mom was under the impression that you are doing alright..u coming home..maybe she is cared worrying internaly aboout ur health...so she does not probably know what to do or how to react to her worry inside of her. also maybe she does not want to say that she is scared as well..we do not know.

I am just thinking about maybe that probably is one of the reasons she is behaving the way she is.is it possible that you can slowly and gently talk with your mom and explain the reasons why you need home clean in a slowly way..I know she knows it but again can you convey this message to her whatever way you feel better and explaining the reason first and then asking her if she can help keep the home clean..or is there any reason why is unable to keep the home clean..just to know whather answers will be so that you can reply to her message accordingly.

also..below is the weblink which I came across and sharing here..
I know it is very difficult to comunicate with parenst..they behave sometimes like children. My prayers that God keeps your health good and makes it better ad fills ur heart with love and strength and your parents get an understanding what you are going thro as well and hope by God's grace..your comunication goes smoothly with your mom.





http://www.caring.com/articles/communicate-with-elderly-parents-effectively-6-tips?utm_medium=email&utm_source=suggests&utm_campaign=conflict&utm_content=20110217

I am cuting and pasting hwere the content of the weblink also here for easy reference:

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Talking to Your Elderly Parents: 6 Surefire Ways to Communicate Effectively
By Kay Paggi

Effective communication is essential to every relationship, particularly so in a caregiving situation. Often it is not what you say, but how you say it that determines how your message is received.

Here are some suggestions for improving your conversations with your elderly parents.

1. RESPECT your parents by treating them as your equals. Treat them as you wish them to treat you. Ask for, and value, their opinions.

2. LISTEN. Attentive listening requires participation, openness and receptivity. Listening is hard work.
Practice clarifying. Ask questions when youre unsure. Instead of asking, Why do you want to eat in your room? try, How is dining in your room more comfortable for you than going to the dining room?
Make sure your message is understood. Try, Im not sure Im being clear. What did you hear?
Practice repeating. To minimize misunderstanding, summarize what you hear. I heard you say... or I think are you telling me...
Practice reflecting feelings. Let others know that you hear and understand their thoughts. Consider what someone is feeling but not saying. Empathy is important. Try, If that happened to me, Id be angry.

3. THINK before responding. Dont speak when youre angry or upset. Silence can be startlingly effective. Try it.
Take time to rehearse before starting a potentially difficult conversation. Practice what you will say, and try to predict what the response will be.

4. DEVELOP an appropriate speaking style and body language. How you speak is just as important as what you say. Maintain eye contact. Enunciate clearly. Be positive and brief.Radiate friendliness, concern for your parents well-being, and love. Avoid body language that could be construed negatively, such as grimaces, lip biting, rolling your eyes and fidgeting.

5. SET boundaries. You can refuse requests without rejecting your parents. You can say no to Mother when her requests are unreasonable, or when your circumstances are such that you cannot comply. Ask, rather than complain. Complying with a request and then complaining about it later, whether to your parent, your spouse, or just to yourself, is grounds for resentment. Instead, ask if you could do it later or if someone else can do it.

6. PRAISE. Show appreciation for your parents, and let them know you realize that they tried to do the best they could. Acknowledge the good characteristics that they passed on to you, as well as the valuable things you learned from them. Praise them often and publicly!

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Regards.

Unfortunately, not all of us have caring, loving parents. My mother has sat on her butt ALL her life and let others wait on her. In fact, I feel certain my dad gave up on life because he was tired of being her servant. 4 years ago I moved out of their home because my therapist was afraid that they would kill me. They have never cared about my health or my life. They are selfish and self-centered. Even with my dad's needs, she doesn't want to help him. My son has been staying there and he is treated like a slave. I don't know how long I can handle this. Kind of sad/funny, but my therapist said I'd be better off in a homeless shelter than moving back in with them. The dirt and filth have already cost me 3 days in the hospital. I guess I'm looking for others who come from a dsyfunctional family and now are in this position. Seriously, if my mom can't take care of her home and/or her needs, I will have to put her some place.

Hello again Lynned, good afternoon:) I am very sorry that you are going thro so much. My prayers to you and your parents that God fills your home with His peace and strength and shows the way and fill ur hearts with peace today and always.
Regards.

I kinda have to agree with your therapist on this one (you living in a homeless shelter). Not to be cruel, but it is THEIR home and they will not change. The only person you can change is yourself. My parents are (my dad passed 5 months ago) and it is costing me my health due to worry and them acting like they are 5 years old at 700 miles away.
Get and KEEP strong boundaries. I'm sure you are dancing around on egg shells cuz it's their home and if you speak up you and your son will indeed be homeless. If you can move.....move to where you have more control over your own life. How old is your son? Is he old enough or healthy enough to live on his own? If the answer is yes.....by all means let him....you have enough on your plate already.
I have given my mom clear and concise boundaries of what I will and will not accept. I'm trying to let my mom be independant.....but the time is coming quickly (I've been looking around) for my mom to move closer to me (I'm an only child) and yet live independant (with some help) for as long as possible. I've had to have heart to hearts with my (dysfunctional) mom and it has helped. I'm not sure how that would work for you, but it is worth a try to let her know how her actions effect you and your health and how can you BOTH make compromises. My fear is, your mom is spoiled and set in her way and perhaps it would be best if you find some place else to live IMHO. Good luck ((((((((((((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))))))))))))))))))

It really sounds like you need a place of your own to live. Parents who are this set in their ways are not going to change.
My dad just showed up on my door step (I own the house). He ASSUMED that his way was going to become the rule. That simply can not happen because of my health. After several tantrums of his did nothing to change MY home to his way, he finally decided that staying out of our way is the best choice. Even thou his behaviors will kill me, he refused to accept that my health matters at all constantly telling me what some stranger nurse on the street told him about my condition.
It is always hard when parents refuse to give a crude about their childrens health. There is no talking to dad. He knows what he knows. He finds the answers that he wants. And he expects that we all act like we are stupid and poorly educated. That is it! If your parents are the same, you will have to choose to find some way to move out on your own.

Let me give you the back story. 4 years ago I moved into my own place at 50. Partly because my therapist told me they were killing me. After that I developed Congestive Heart Failure, Kidney disease and severe asthma. I kept working ...being hospitalized and going back to work. 9 months ago I developed blood clots in my lung and was unable to work again. Just as I was going back to work, I now have a pinched nerve in my neck which has made my left hand numb. During the last few months I have gone through my savings to stay in my apartment. And when I realized I couldn't go back to work last Sunday, I was stuck. No way to pay rent. No place to go. So, hopefully, I am only here for a couple months. But, my parents cannot keep their home if I leave. So, for now I find myself between a rock and a hard place. Coincidentally, my dad will be entering a program this week to work on his depression. And I will have to make due. Just hope somebody had some suggestions for a bad situation.

Do you qualify for in home health services? Or perhaps Mom and Dad via Agency on Aging??
If there is a college nearby perhaps a student in health care may come in and help out a few hours per week for cheap? Or someone from church?
Maybe your township trustee will know of volunteer help or may allocate some money to get the house up to snuff to maintain. It is easier to keep it up if not so far behind to begin with.

Ignore your Mom and she will get up off her...!!! However she is very out of shape so maybe she needs some PT

P

Don't have much to offer I'm afraid except to say it has been my experience with my dad mother in law and many others that lazy is lazy and HIGHLY unlikely to change.

Well, I've basically taken charge and I give orders. I used to be an elementary teacher and if they want to act like they are kids, we will treat them that way. I'm whipping the place into shape and when I want her to do something, it is not a request. It's slow going, but it's a work in progress. And I am a very aggressive person, so I just forge ahead and make the changes I need. My dad who has laid on the couch for a year, is even starting group therapy on Monday. Not because he's thrilled, but because I talked to his doctor.

eh heh! Good for you for crackiing the whip!

I'm new to this group and I'm probably staring off on the wrong foot here... but you said that you can't take care of your parents or do anything to help with the home because of your health. You also basically said you would be homeless if not for them opening their home to you, yet you blame them for your situation and having to be hospitalized or 3 days and you say that if you were not living there they would not be able to stay in their home ????

I'm sorry, but I'm pretty sure there are care programs for the elderly in every state. Programs where nurses, aids and even PT can come in to the home and help your parents out. It isn't your parents responsibility to take care of and provide for you anymore. That ended years ago.

I know you are in a rough spot with your health and finances and I'm truly sorry, but acting like they owe you something when you openly said you can not give them a thing, is beyond sad... and as wrong as it may have been for your mom to sit on her bottom her whole adult life and expect your dad to wait on her... it was their choice to live that way and you just can't change them after so many years.

1st, not all of us were raised in a loving, caring family. Some of us were abused mentally and physical for many years. I've had several therapist tell me NEVER go near them. But sometimes, stuff happens. And they knew I couldn't live in dirt and filth and YES, it is their fault I spent 3 days in the hospital. Also, they are $200 above the limit for any care. And I can't lift my dad or my mom or anything heavy. I do what I can. Funny, but when my dad saw a therapist this week, we were told to be TOUGH with him. And even the primary doctor told me that BOTH of them need to get off their butts. He told me that you lose 2% of muscle for every DAY you just sit. Further, I blame my mom for my dad's condition. He waited on her hand and foot for years (and complained about it), so I really feel he had enough and his leg and heart surgery were his way to stop doing ti all. And now when HE needs her, she does nothing?? I'm happy for those with a loving family, but I didn't have that. I spent a week in the hospital several months back and not one member of my family came to see me. So, perhaps you should take a minute to understand the entire situation. And this group is caring for elderly parents. And I'm sure there are others out there who have questions. One last thing....two elderly ladies in the hospital told me they had similar problems with their parents and I am not alone.