HUH???? Why do you love her so much when she is treating you like shit. That makes no sense

If I were one of your brothers I would pool the money she gave "us boys" and split it evenly. But that is just me.

You can not force your mother to be fair in her gift giving, and it sounds like she is set in her ways. But you can have a frank discussion with her about how much it is costing you to have her live with you. Some things like extra water, power, gas etc can be too vague to put a value on.

But you can talk about her personal things as well as food for her. It may be hard, but you can do it. One way would be to stop buying things that are not necessities for her. When she asks for them you can remind her that she has money and should be willing to use her money to pay for some of those things.

How do your brothers feel about the way mom is handling her money? Perhaps you need to vent to them about this. Having them on the same page as you would be great. If not, then at least having them understand where you are coming from would really help!

I do not mean to pry, but do you think that your brothers need her $$ more than you do? I found out recently that my mom's parents did not split their estate evenly among their 3 children. (Well an old letter from them to my mom and her siblings that I found recently suggested that is how they did it.) They felt that one daughter needed the money more so they left her more. There was animosity between my mom and her siblings. She never talked about it much, but I suspect that the money thing may have been part of it.

Gentle hugs, and set limits with your mom!

Pepper gives good advice, as always, and as I am slowly recovering from evicting my mother from my home for various reasons (long sad story).... I can tell you this is one of those situations that can become very volatile. Leaving money out of it (if you can?).... Did she always seem to favor your brothers? Does she seem to treat them the same as she does you, minus the Christmas checks? Does she think she has to pay them $$ to keep them coming around to see her All those weird small family dynamics things really seem to magnify when someone is an elderly parent living with an adult child who is their caregiver, even if no siblings are involved (as I have no living siblings, I can't speak to sibling issues).

As I found out the hard way, sometimes having a parent live with you means you should go get a lawyer, write it out in a contract signed by all parties about terns of residence, rent, etc., as well as the usual medical power and power of attorney stuff. So you could suggest doing that, for the new year. It protects *both* parties from financial abuse.

Luck and blessing.

Trojan,

i don't know how to explain it to you...i get upset with her and sometimes extremely angry...but then i look at her and i want her to be happy, i guess i want her to enjoy the last few years she would have left...maybe i just feel sorry for her...her life hasn't always been easy

when it comes to the boys, mom has always taken extra care of them...she was bought up to take care of the 'males' in her family

my brothers have money and are doing well for themselves ( but in the past they got in trouble with one of their many business ventures and she sold her home to help them out.

maybe i should be angry at them, they always take so much from her and give nothing back...not even a phone call to see how she is...infact they call her three times a year

at the moment i am a little down on myself, feeling like I'm letting down my husband and children. I'm disappointing them i see it in their faces and actions, although they haven't said one harsh thing to me


guilt eating me up

Christmas is at my place this year and I'm trying hard to make it a happy place for all of us. not going to be easy...but all i can do is try


academy award for me if i can pull this off

It is easy to go minute by minute without seeing the bigger picture. But we eventually have to listen to that voice saying, I feel trapped. Having a parent treat us lousy when we put so much effort into helping them is just rotten.

When I read what you wrote especially, ademy award for me if i can pull this off, see someone trying to put on a show for the world. Rather than actually living life, it matters most what others think about you.

Why do your children and husband deserve less until mom passes?

The power to make Christmas happy for all is in NO WAY in your power to choose for others. We can only be responsible for our own happiness. If mom wants to be miserable to you, you dont have to continue to be a doormat. Just be respectful and

It is OK to choose how you live. Mom has chosen including giving some children who do nothing to care for her loads of money and ignoring others.

Honestly, I have to admit that I was hoping dad would actually love me if I did a good enough job caring for him. Then when he felt well, he sued me for my money. At some point, we have to face the fact that a parent really is using us rather than ever going to give a crude about us.

My dad did not even notice the black eye that I have from getting so sick that I passed out landing on my face. And my bad back that cant possibly be as bad as his little backache is seriously fast deteriorating degenerative disc disease. HE still thinks I am younger so I cant be sicker.

Facing the reality is really the first step. Just because they appear closer to death than us does NOT mean they really are going to pass before us. I just recently lost several friends who left behind older parents. There are no guarantees in life. I can die from a brain aneurysm or heart attack in the next moment while my father lives on for another 10 years.

this is a very sad story, and the guilt trips played on us by our parents is huge, to me anyways. this however goes way beyond the pale. did you never feel loved or accepted by your mom? your family should come first, their happiness and well being and they are suffering because of all you are doing. if you can I would speak frankly, not yelling, but stern and explain and say all you have here. without changes made she should leave andnyou can be of as much help as you want in a care facility. many hugs

When we try to make things good for others they can respond several ways.

One is to thank us and return the favor.

The sad way some people respond is to be ungrateful and raise the bar higher so that we can never make them happy. Oh, that was supposed to be a good dinner? Too dry. (Or too moist, or too what ever)

Part of setting limits is to ignore it when people like that set the bar high.

Do Christmas the way you and the people who love you want. Let the others come for the ride, but ignore their mean actions. Most people who say hurtful things get frustrated when their hurtful words are acknowledged but dismissed. Don't even refute the words.

I never use to talk to anyone about my feelings...it was a wake up call just reading my own post today...its like who wrote that?
I need to make some major changes in my life...my husband and kids need to come first.

where mum is concerned she needs to hear how i feel and she needs to respect my family and my home...and if she doesn't she needs to leave

and my brothers need to hear it too


im digging myself out of this hole...for me...for my husband...for my kids


thank you for all the support guys ((BiG HuGs)) God Bless!!

Good plan! Now stick to it!

By all means GO FOR IT!

i agree!