Caring For Aging Parents Support Group
Caring for aging parents can be a difficul time as we become the caretakers for our parents. This broad responsibility can encompass such services as assisted living, adult day care, long term care, nursing homes, hospice care, and in-home care. Whether you have just started caring for your parents or just need a place to talk, we're here.
In short, when my father died 10 years ago my mother moved in with us. We never (husband and I) never thought it'd be permanent. In fact, we didn't think. She decided that she couldn't live by herself and that she was with us to help around the house. To this day, my mother is fit and healthy (she's 74). My husband and I were in our twenties, and only married for 3 years. Soon, she was bossing us around the house and as crazy as that is (that we even allowed it), we did.
She still complained about her lonely life despite being with us and refusing to make friends. After several sulks and crisis I convinced her to go out and get a social life. It was short lived (to this day she expects us to be her social life).
In the meantime my husband became an alcoholic (I can't say for sure if she was the cause but I am guilty for having spent all my energy in trying to please her). He has been in recovery for almost 2 years and both of us (having gone through hell and back) realise that we can't be with her anymore. In fact, she never stopped talking to my husband while he was an addict but she did when he got back home from recovery and she refused to give us space. Plus, she still has her home which is 3 hours away from here.
She feels that the fact she always helped us financially justifies all her actions.
I am tired. I am 34 and I want to start living my life with my husband. We've been married 13 years and only been by ourselves for 3.
I tried every thing: nothing worked. I asked her to spend one month at her place, and one month with us. She ignores it. If I tell her now she agreed, she'll deny we even had that talk. She did go to her home for two months and then she tells everyone how good she is for giving us two months by ourselves.
So, so tired. Why am I caring for someone who is healthy? I'm just so scared of a final confrontation.
She still complained about her lonely life despite being with us and refusing to make friends. After several sulks and crisis I convinced her to go out and get a social life. It was short lived (to this day she expects us to be her social life).
In the meantime my husband became an alcoholic (I can't say for sure if she was the cause but I am guilty for having spent all my energy in trying to please her). He has been in recovery for almost 2 years and both of us (having gone through hell and back) realise that we can't be with her anymore. In fact, she never stopped talking to my husband while he was an addict but she did when he got back home from recovery and she refused to give us space. Plus, she still has her home which is 3 hours away from here.
She feels that the fact she always helped us financially justifies all her actions.
I am tired. I am 34 and I want to start living my life with my husband. We've been married 13 years and only been by ourselves for 3.
I tried every thing: nothing worked. I asked her to spend one month at her place, and one month with us. She ignores it. If I tell her now she agreed, she'll deny we even had that talk. She did go to her home for two months and then she tells everyone how good she is for giving us two months by ourselves.
So, so tired. Why am I caring for someone who is healthy? I'm just so scared of a final confrontation.
god bless
It is really messed up for healty people to simply expect that younger people have no issues and demand they be cared for without regard for the health of the child.
There are many children struggling thru trials that these sorts of parents refuse to see. Tying to take on the care of a healty adult is going to ruin their health.
In fact I heard on TV people who have experience with the elderly saying the following:
- They know elderly people who have serious diseases and are happy:
- They know very healthy elderly who are miserable.
They say this has to do with how the person led their lives. If they were unhappy with their lives (the choices they made, what they can't get back, etc), they won't be happy regardless. If the elderly lived fulfilling lives they will be at peace as they approach the end of their lives, regardless of disease.
My mother arrived in the begging of June and then had two weeks away with a friend. She's now going back home (her home!) again next week. Finally, she seems to be doing what we had agreed based on how unbearable things between us were getting.
Am I happy? It's uncomfortable. There is still a part of me that is still torn. One part of me wants to ask her to stay (for her sake) and the other knows it won't work. I know the right thing to do is to deal with my own discomfort and let her go. Because:
- She's healthy (and I need a life with my husband);
- She has cousins of her own age who are counting the days until she returns as they feel lonely; when my mother is there they usually gather at my mother's house in the evening and one even sleeps there;
- They have already arranged a trip to see other relatives (which will mean a 3 hour bus ride and a few days away visiting people that my mum has ignored for years because she has focused all her attention on being around me at all times);
- Since she returned here she made no arrangements or effort to see people from around here (she needs people to show up for her, instead of her reaching out for others, even if it's to have a coffee out).
I am also trying to encourage her to take a cruise in October with her friend.
He would be so much better off in a community with others his age.
A bit ago she said she doesn't know how she will cope with cooking in her very hot kitchen (as if mine is cool). She lived there and cooked there in the summer before. So guilt trip. It worked. I feel guilty. But can't go back and ask her to stay.
At the end of the day, she does have a choice and she has another property 5 minutes drive from here, within a community of people her age that keep asking after her and asking for her to visit.
She is spoilt for choice...but if she had her way, she'd be sitting on the couch watching TV and reading health books obsessing about what's good for you and what isn't.