Caring For Aging Parents Support Group
Caring for aging parents can be a difficul time as we become the caretakers for our parents. This broad responsibility can encompass such services as assisted living, adult day care, long term care, nursing homes, hospice care, and in-home care. Whether you have just started caring for your parents or just need a place to talk, we're here.
In short, when my father died 10 years ago my mother moved in with us. We never (husband and I) never thought it'd be permanent. In fact, we didn't think. She decided that she couldn't live by herself and that she was with us to help around the house. To this day, my mother is fit and healthy (she's 74). My husband and I were in our twenties, and only married for 3 years. Soon, she was bossing us around the house and as crazy as that is (that we even allowed it), we did.
She still complained about her lonely life despite being with us and refusing to make friends. After several sulks and crisis I convinced her to go out and get a social life. It was short lived (to this day she expects us to be her social life).
In the meantime my husband became an alcoholic (I can't say for sure if she was the cause but I am guilty for having spent all my energy in trying to please her). He has been in recovery for almost 2 years and both of us (having gone through hell and back) realise that we can't be with her anymore. In fact, she never stopped talking to my husband while he was an addict but she did when he got back home from recovery and she refused to give us space. Plus, she still has her home which is 3 hours away from here.
She feels that the fact she always helped us financially justifies all her actions.
I am tired. I am 34 and I want to start living my life with my husband. We've been married 13 years and only been by ourselves for 3.
I tried every thing: nothing worked. I asked her to spend one month at her place, and one month with us. She ignores it. If I tell her now she agreed, she'll deny we even had that talk. She did go to her home for two months and then she tells everyone how good she is for giving us two months by ourselves.
So, so tired. Why am I caring for someone who is healthy? I'm just so scared of a final confrontation.
She still complained about her lonely life despite being with us and refusing to make friends. After several sulks and crisis I convinced her to go out and get a social life. It was short lived (to this day she expects us to be her social life).
In the meantime my husband became an alcoholic (I can't say for sure if she was the cause but I am guilty for having spent all my energy in trying to please her). He has been in recovery for almost 2 years and both of us (having gone through hell and back) realise that we can't be with her anymore. In fact, she never stopped talking to my husband while he was an addict but she did when he got back home from recovery and she refused to give us space. Plus, she still has her home which is 3 hours away from here.
She feels that the fact she always helped us financially justifies all her actions.
I am tired. I am 34 and I want to start living my life with my husband. We've been married 13 years and only been by ourselves for 3.
I tried every thing: nothing worked. I asked her to spend one month at her place, and one month with us. She ignores it. If I tell her now she agreed, she'll deny we even had that talk. She did go to her home for two months and then she tells everyone how good she is for giving us two months by ourselves.
So, so tired. Why am I caring for someone who is healthy? I'm just so scared of a final confrontation.
What makes a parent think their elderly child is still young and vibrant?
dad did this to us too. Now I really hate him for it. He once made a comment to hubby when we were moving EVERYTHING off the first floor to have floors redone, "She should keep it this way now!"
Dad expects me to be his entertainment. When he was planning a cruise he told me I had to go too.
When he is sick, he just lays around coughing and whining and stealing all the blankets to cover himself and whines and complains about the cold and whines.
He expected me to call his doctor to make his appointments.
If I say anything, he has a temper tantrum, packs his stuff and "moves" out. Half way to the corner he turns around
Sorry, don't really have answers. I don't know why they think we are supposed to be their company.
It is clear to me that my dad expects me to
It is expected that we are to "help" them all the time. Me especially.
My husband takes them to their doc appointments and to the hospital when needed.
I am to do the wash, dishes, cleaning, changing drapes, snow shoveling ect.....My husband helps me with the shoveling too, but we are expected to do it all. She also wants me to make a cake once a week, I have decided not to do it anymore.
She has another son who isn't working anymore. I believe that he can do it.
I just can't take it anymore.
I had to stand up for me. It wasn't easy and my hubby agreed that it was time. We have been here 9 years I just said no.
ttfn AnnieEm
You are supposed to be BY YOURSELVES!!!
Did you and hubby move in with them when you married? NO
Do she expect you to move in with her if your hubby dies? I doubt it.
Start renovation plans and hand her a bill for half.
Why do older parents expect children to take care of them?
Next week we're having a few days away and in her head she's doing us a favour for minding the dog...except that she lives here, it's not as if she came over specifically for that. Everything she does for us it's like we owe her. (Like the giving us time together it's also a gift from her...how generous of her, giving me time alone with my husband).
When I ONCE told her that she's living with us and she should be thankful, the reply was "oh, so you're a hero now?". I told her "do you know anyone who did that around here, at my age, with a healthy mother?". She told me more awful things that time, like I was no good, I deserved what I'd gone through with my husband and much more. I can't get over that episode...there's been others but that one still hurts. And I can't do this to my husband anymore or to myself.
Right now, I am scared. I know I need to address this when I come back from our short holiday (4 nights).
I love him, but it is not the love I felt for him at one time. This is the love God asks us to feel for a person. If I could go back to the age of 43 when my mother passed, I would have left the state. Perhaps this is a way for you. Downsize. If mom won't move out, you move out. Give her advanced warning that this is to come. Reassure her of your love for her and that you will be a phone call away if she needs help. Then get out now, before you find yourself ten or more years down the road. The older they become, the harder it is to leave.
my heart goes out to all of your parents who are facing their old age and hoping that their children will not live on memories of the past of what they did or failed to do with their children but that their children will search deep within their hearts and find a glimmer of compassion to what they are going through with love and understanding and not cause them to have to pay for their mistakes and make them suffer more only because the child is now stronger then the parent.
like i said many of these comments fill my heart with so much sadness and that your hearts are not opened but closed.
i will pray that all of you will search deep into your hearts and ask that god will guide you and most of all teach you his will and may be some of you will in the end learn from this hard time of the true meaning of its intent.
Shur1: thank you for your prayers. I hope one day my mother's heart will also open and I am sorry I didn't close mine a lot earlier. I, like many others, are not just remembering the past and what they did to us. It's what, in this case my mother, keeps doing...my mother may be 74 but she does not need care. She wants care. I am not saying I'd not help her if she needed it. It's just that she doesn't.
it is not hard to read a parents fears if you look closely for them.
god bless
When her cousins needed help due to very serious health issues my mother didn't even think of going over to give them a hand.
When I had an awful argument with my mother last year (not even one year ago) that started over a bad mood of mine, where I said something out of place - for which I immediately apologised - she kept hurting me verbally non-stop. When she finished she wanted to leave my house and she did. I told her (despite everything) that I loved her and if she changed her mind, she'd know where to find me.
The next day I couldn't even eat. I curled up into a ball (literally) shattered by what she'd said to me and the whole situation. I asked God for a sign that I wasn't so wrong and so bad, because at that moment I truly wanted to die. I couldn't live with myself.
The next day someone rang my mother and noticed she wasn't OK and offered to see her to talk about things. To cut a long story short this person was very shocked at my mother's behaviour (in my mother's defence she did relate the situation as it happened). One of the things my mother had accused me of was that my friends were turning me against her. As it happens, this person who was appalled at how my mother had treated me didn't even know me at all (basically, what that person saw was the same my friends of all ages say).
I can't live like this anymore.
Nothing will change until we make it change (in a respectful way and attitude). Limits (boundaries) with consequences are the only way it will ever change the behaviors....just like we did with our children. After all, the roles have been reversed in the parent/child relationship and we recoginize it, but aren't really sure how to handle it.
I have had to lay down the law with my own parents and it has made a world of difference not only in their unmanagable behaviors, but their attitudes as well. I offer choices and state why I am doing so because before the firm boundaries, they were running all over me which grew resentment on both ends. I was scared as hell to "lay it on the line", but once I did...things got much better for everyone.
I'm going to give an examle here....
My dad had to be placed becuz my mom became ill herself (she took very good care of him for 20 years...but he is a 24/7 job and home care was unreliable as well as my folks went through their life savings....I live 700 miles away...impossible for either of us to move). Also my dad was/is very verbally abusive as well as a sex offender. Once he was placed, my mom became very vulnerable and kept letting other abusive ppl into the home. She wouldn't stand up for herself and let ppl walk all over her as well as kept us from being able to communicate becuz "they listen in on our conversations". I have been patient and tried to warn her that what she was doing was dangerous as well as driving a wedge between us. I finally laid the law down and told her that first...if she continued to let these "bullies" into her home, that I would have to have her placed in an assisted living setting....preferrably by me for safety reasons (this would mean giving up the home) or she would have to stop answering the door and phone and call the police to have them removed. She has opted for the latter choice which I am happy for that choice as it still leaves her in familiar and independant status.
This is one of the milder cases I have had to deal with in my parents case....next is getting my mom to wear a health alert as she lives alone....but first things first and that was to get rid of the bullies!
I know many of you are dealing with much deeper issues with parent(s) living with you, but the concept is the same. Stand up for yourself and follow through with consequences.....you will definately see an improvement. Best to all (((((((((((Hugs))))))))))))))
i would try to find out about her past before she was married? in the mean time if you talk with her you may discover some interesting things that may help you with what you are struggling with in finding out why your mother is the way she is..................
you are a good and faithful daughter and god knows how much sacrifice you and your husband have made thus far. instead of battling with her try to find new ways in which to communicate with her only you and the words you choose can change the way mom looks at things and life itself.
I applaud your husband recovery i know how difficult it is to remain sober everyday but i pray you do not loose sight of your mother and know that both mother and husband are dealing with their own inner struggles please try to be patient with both be supportive with both but i pray you do not blame one over the other for these trials they are in i see you are a good daughter but confused and tired take heart all things pass away in time and they never remain as they are.....................
There comes a point in your life that you have to stand up for yourself and your husband. There's no easy way to do this but if you don't you could very well end up with health problems yourself.
You have to think to yourself once in awhile that if "they" can be that rude and unfeeling, then you should be able to do it right back to them.
You may have set a precedent in the past that she feels very comfortable demanding your time and offering unsolicited opinions but it doesn't mean that you can't change it around.
You'll do this when you're ready. I wish you all the best with your decision. And congratulations to your husband on his sobriety. Good for him!
Maybe suggest that she gets an apartment close by and you can check on her from time to time. It might be easier for you and your hubby. Look for Senior Centers to take her to during the day too.
It might help if she is around other Seniors.
Even if it is only a couple hours a day you need a break!!!
Good Luck.
ttfn AnnieEm