Caring For Aging Parents Support Group

Caring for aging parents can be a difficul time as we become the caretakers for our parents. This broad responsibility can encompass such services as assisted living, adult day care, long term care, nursing homes, hospice care, and in-home care. Whether you have just started caring for your parents or just need a place to talk, we're here.

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ann54 10/04/2015

i want one night when i don't have to call my parents, and i usually get it on Saturdays but not last night. i was at my sisters, vegging, and sure enough mom was calling, she will call after 8 if i haven't called yet. i wasn't going to answer susan said to answer get it over with. i just could barely talk, simply yes, i know blah blah. i ended the talk in a short time i couldn't wait, i couldn't stand to hear her voice and the complaints and i know she waspissed at me and my reactions. when i hung up susan said i was mean on the phone and not nice, i said i don't care. now mind you susan is the one who blows up all the time with her, i always go along and try to be as calm as i can and be patient then lose it when i leave or hang up. i didn't even respond to susan, hope she was joking. i have to go there tonight and i s don't want to, i will ear again about all the same things. i am trying to stop mom when she starts to cry and tell her to remember what god she accomplished that day, these are on days when we did her closet, when i brought over dinner, she started crying at the end, i told her to stop, you just had a nice meal and dessert, focus on that, not anything else. i feel i am giving up, she wants to go clothes shopping and told susan we are both doing it, it will be a nightmare. sorry for ranting

TroJanThunder 10/04/2015

Just unplug the phone

LeoX3 10/04/2015

Vent away.
My mom was so negative all the time on the phone about 15 years ago (long before she moved to the same state I live in let alone more) that as she went on about how negative everyone is in th eworld, I blurted, "Called yourself lately, Mom?"
Might be worth saying to your sister?

As for the mom----blessings and peace on you.

texastipper 10/04/2015

I used to work for a sales manager who had an odd, confrontational approach to customer relationships. A sales guy in the office often had to smooth things over and would joke that the sales manager's motto was:

"We're not happy, until YOU'RE not happy!"

Sounds like your Mom embraces this same approach!

Any chance of getting her medicated with some happy pills? Breaking down and crying for no good reason does not sound normal to me, but I am no expert.

I hope it smooths out for you.

ThePepperMan 10/04/2015

I am sorry your mother does this to you.

My MIL lives with us. It is going well, but I've made some observations. Her activity level, while high for her age, leaves her feeling unfulfilled. When any of her children call her (or for my wife, comes home) her whole face lights up! She is happy, everything is good.

(She never has that reaction for me, but then I work at home, see her all the time, and am not one of her children. But this is OK by me, I understand it.)

Can you step back and analyze when she is happy, and when she is sad? I know that from what you say it sounds like she is always sad and angry. Can you try to control the conversations and get her to talk about things that make her happy?

Braces for children's teeth apply small constant pressure to move the teeth around. Can you find ways to apply small constant pressure to get your mother to talk about happier things? Reward her positive talk with more time on the phone, and impose "hang up time" when she only focuses on the negative.

IDK, it might work.

But by all means, VENT AWAY! We understand the emotions.

ann54 10/05/2015

thank you all. I have a cell phone and I shouldn't of answered but to late. it was odd and I think my sister was being sarcastic actually when she said that because she is mean and yells at mom all the time. I do try lately to have her focus on a positive thing that happened when she starts to lose it, she says ok ok but I know it is temporary. it is true, my dr. told me that my mother lives to make people miserable when she is miserable and wants everyone to feel the same. I have been trying to set boundaries and cutting short talks when all is about her. I cant even say anything about me as it might "upset" her. I love thos site I feel at home

Getingstronger 10/06/2015

One thing I've learned over the years; the elderly do better when they are busy and feel needed. Since my Mom lives with hubby and me, I let her help with dinner, she is in charge of the dishwasher, she helps with laundry, she walks her little dog twice a day (I do it at night.) We run errands together and she loves grocery shopping. I find that most of the time, she is happy and in good spirits. Mom is 86 years old and pretty healthy. I hope when the time comes, she goes in peace and quickly, but for now, except for butting heads once in a while, things are good. I know so many of you have parents who are ill and cantankerous. Like I said, I know I am pretty lucky to have the situation I have. But there are moments............

TroJanThunder 10/06/2015

Keep trying Ann. It IS possible but it takes a lot of doing and a lot of time.

ann54 10/07/2015

thank you gettinstr and trojantunder, I am happy for you that your mom is in good health, she is like my dad, 91 and still good. I hope you get your wish. Trojan, thanks and I will keep hanging, I was there yesterday moving more clothes and after an hor and half had enough, she was dwelling on stupid shit and anxious saying what a bad day, and I just said it isn't look at what was done, it is okay and left.

pd2012 10/07/2015

My father was a lot like this before he passed away. He was so negative about everything. Of course the dementia with the paranoia didn't help. He found fault in everything! It makes it very difficult for us that were around him every day. Such a weight on my shoulders while I was visiting and then "poof" gone when I left.

I like your idea of re-directing her negative comments back to positive though. Wished I had thought of that years back...

jazzkeys 10/07/2015

My mom is Always Negative, but guess what, Today she isn't, It happens, HOORAY !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

TroJanThunder 10/07/2015

That;s AWESOME Jazzy!

ann54 10/07/2015

I didn't come across that idea easy and it took many years about trying to turn it around. it isn't always possible but I try even if it doesn't sink in, I can leave with a clear mind. I read it in a book somewhere. jazzy that is great mom is good today lets hope tmw is the same. hugs all

blueviolet725 10/07/2015

I was in direct sales for years, and my manager told me that when someone says something horrible she:
1. repeats it back to them very slowly...."oh,no, I can't my husband would kill me" repeat: "your husband would kill you?"
2. picture them in a little tiny boat in the toilet with the tidy bowl man and then FLUSH! down they go with all their nastiness. (that makes me chuckle)
3. imagine that you are wearing a big black garbage bag as a giant poncho...any bad things come your way? say "like water off a ducks back" and brush it right off.

These little tricks have helped me.

And if it is a stranger...not mom. I would never say "drop dead" but I do wish bad people a stubbed big toe....imagine that it HURTS, but heals, and that they are hopping up and down looking like the idiot they are.

Now you know all my secrets to sanity!

ann54 10/08/2015

I love your tactics and I am adding them to my list! thanks for sharing

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