Caring For Aging Parents Support Group
Caring for aging parents can be a difficul time as we become the caretakers for our parents. This broad responsibility can encompass such services as assisted living, adult day care, long term care, nursing homes, hospice care, and in-home care. Whether you have just started caring for your parents or just need a place to talk, we're here.
Hi -- my Mom is 92, We 3 "kids" are in our 50's now, the birth order being myself, a sister then a brother . Dad passed away in '04.
My sister has totally separated herself from the family and essentially without explanation. She has a history of hooking up with men who control her and for no reason obvious to us, hasn't worked for the past 15 years. 3 years ago after many declined invitations and unanswered phone calls, Mom and I tried to visit her, she answered the door, looked horrible, ordered us off the property. We suspect she had some sort of breakdown and/or a (recurrent) drug problem.The only appearance since is when she showed up about a year later at the wake for my late nephew (my brother's stepson.)
In August I called to see how she was doing, got the voice mail, then a curt phone call from the live-in boyfriend who owns the house. He said sister is "fine"; Mom, brother and I are to cease and desist any contact.
So now it's become a matter of Mom's estate -- the 3 of us went to the family lawyer to discuss it. We sent my sister an email -- about being part of the family. Mom wanted the letter to be essentially a bribe (which she admits) but we took the lawyer's wise counsel and made the letter warm but firm about rejoining the family. Knowing from past experience that there was likely to be no answer from my sister, we put in deadline for her response. Sadly, predictably there was none.
Mom's brilliant mind is working way overtime with all the past/present/future what-if's and her heart is breaking. We are just trying to reassure her of the family members who genuinely love her and will continue to be there for her.
Anyone else been thru a family situation like this?
My sister has totally separated herself from the family and essentially without explanation. She has a history of hooking up with men who control her and for no reason obvious to us, hasn't worked for the past 15 years. 3 years ago after many declined invitations and unanswered phone calls, Mom and I tried to visit her, she answered the door, looked horrible, ordered us off the property. We suspect she had some sort of breakdown and/or a (recurrent) drug problem.The only appearance since is when she showed up about a year later at the wake for my late nephew (my brother's stepson.)
In August I called to see how she was doing, got the voice mail, then a curt phone call from the live-in boyfriend who owns the house. He said sister is "fine"; Mom, brother and I are to cease and desist any contact.
So now it's become a matter of Mom's estate -- the 3 of us went to the family lawyer to discuss it. We sent my sister an email -- about being part of the family. Mom wanted the letter to be essentially a bribe (which she admits) but we took the lawyer's wise counsel and made the letter warm but firm about rejoining the family. Knowing from past experience that there was likely to be no answer from my sister, we put in deadline for her response. Sadly, predictably there was none.
Mom's brilliant mind is working way overtime with all the past/present/future what-if's and her heart is breaking. We are just trying to reassure her of the family members who genuinely love her and will continue to be there for her.
Anyone else been thru a family situation like this?
I was just yearing for their support- not their judgement, and i didn't want them to try and fix my problems- i just wanted their support. But, my family being who they are feel like they need to try and fix all my problems...which just pushes me further away.
Do what you can to have compassion- don't try to make her explain her past actions, that is why she probably stays away, doesn't want to be put on the spot to answer questions.
I know my family is deeply hurt because of my absence- my grandmother's health is failing, and i am the one with the master's in gerontology that could actually help....but i continue to stay away. What helps me the most is just getting small, short, simple letters from my family- letting me know what they are up to, asking about the weather, etc., etc.....just trying to re-create a relationship.
I deal with tremendous guilt on a daily, hourly basis for the hurt I have caused my family- but, i stay away- right or wrong, i stay away.
Let your sister know you love her no matter what and you just want her to be happy...that's all you can do
Take care, Im happy to help if you need to talk
My dad was estranged from his oldest son from a previous marriage (tainted by the biological mom) and my dad went to his grave 7 months ago still estranged for 53 years. He had to rewrite his will and put it in trust to make sure his son got nothing. I made my will last Fall and had to also exclude 2 of my 3 children (they will be getting letters at the reading of the will explaining their exclusion should they show up). I recommend a trust and living trust on your mothers part as a trust can NOT be contested and held up in court for years. Everything can be made revokable right up until she draws her last breath. Living trust protects your mom while she is still living....I highly recommend this as well.
It sounds to me like your sister is being held hostage in an abusive relationship/marriage and her partner has cut her off from her family. All the bribing in the world will not make her suddenly change or leave the relationship. Sadly, her thread as a family member has been torn and you need to mourn what use to be or the dream of what might have been. It's a hard pill to swallow, but if you hold onto each other (the ones who are currently participating in a real relationship), then you can make it through to the other side. I wish you all well and sending you healing vibes.
thanks to you both for your sensitive and empathic replies. Yes, sadly, this may happen more often than any one of us might think. And for me at least there remains this sense of disbelief that it's Our Family affected and not the one down the street.
My sister has been the black sheep of the family on and off since high school, in her 20's in a theft/drug/prostitution ring with a guy -- when both of them were living at my parents' house. My parents had to tell them to move out.
The on/off part is the hardest -- she's a pathological liar and plays the Little Mary Sunshine role very well.
At least the current boyfriend is outwardly an upstanding guy but you're right, we know that she is under his thumb, she had said so in the past. However if she's not financially empowering herself by getting a job she stays stuck in a vicious circle.
And since she has violated so much trust in the past,a fresh start seems impossible. At least to me with my good-sized chip on the shoulder. I don't trust her any farther than I could throw her. She's never admitted to any theft, including gifts from my (our) grandfather, that I'll never see again.
As Maya Angelou says, "if someone SHOWS you who they are....believe them" (this includes blood relatives).
It is sad that your sister has chosen her lifestyle, but she is truly the only one who can save herself.
I was in an abusive relationship/marriage for 24 years and wanted someone to save me. What I found out was that I could only save myself. Fear kept me chained to my abuser and with tons of counseling, I took a leap of faith and left and divorced my abuser. Yes, it was scary as hell....but I did it!!!! The abused stay victims becuz they feel they have no other choice or that they deserve it (i.e. your sister screwed up by joining gangs, drugs, etc, so she feels like she deserves the misery she is stuck in...IMO). The best/only thing you can do is advise her to get help.
Holding a will over her head will not help and does your mom really want a relationship based on what she will leave her child?
I would encourage ALL of you to tell her to get help and that you are there for her WHEN she decides to come around.
Best of luck.
I don't mean to come on as a calloused person, but through my own experience, tough love will save all of you a lot more heartache and tears. Enjoy those you do have and let go of what you have lost. This is just a suggestion.
Im going through some crapp with some friendships I cant fixc and its HARD!
Just cherish what is good in your life and try not to sweat what you have no control over.
God bless
In the meantime your mom needs to come to understand that she cannot change your sister and she cannot change the past.