Anna, do your siblings know exactly what you are feeling? If they are not able to understand what you are having to endure and trying to help, then they don't count. You need to do what is best for everyone. We love our parents and that sometimes means making the tough decisions. Much like taking the car keys away.

Oh, this is a very distressing decision place you are at. You have to take care of yourself also and if she is that difficult to live with, then by all means find another option. She is not going to change so turn your mind to that fact. If she is not going to change, OR if she is incapable of changing, then you have to do things differently than you are doing now. I am going to assume at this point that your mom is incapable of changing or doing better due to her brain being unable - as well as her self absorbed personality all her life. If she was formerly nice, kind, loving but has now changed terribly, that makes me think dementia and maybe even progressing dementia. I went through similar with two in-laws.

Many people do not understand the aging brain. If she has dementia or even just executive functioning decline, then your expectations of how she should change may not be reality. If she is diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder, then her aging with dementia makes it a double whammy.

The thing I am trying to say is that we have to change how we act, react, and think. We can love them without throwing ourselves under the bus. The best place for her may simply be in an assisted living facility. I read this book and found it extremely helpful Loving Hard-to-Love Parents by Paul K. Chafetz, PhD. With my in-laws, I recognized their dementia on top of their personality issues and basic physical or health declines because I work in this area of aging. My husband and his siblings didn't understand and so tried to force them to "be normal", not have episodes of craziness, walk normal, constant demands, etc.

It isn't easy to love a difficult person. I wish you the best. Get support for yourself. What happened to my in-law parents blew up the family as the siblings all ended up hating each other and blaming each other. Most of them could not deal with the terrible aging process their parents went through. So they either ignored what was needed or went to war with the other siblings to try to effect change. The stress and sorrow of the in-laws decline often made me so sad, and then angry. I am so sorry. I hear your distress. The book will help you gain a new perspective and see how you can support yourself while doing the right thing by the parent.

Also, it sounds like you also need some good mental health help. Please do not allow yourself to suffer and seek good help because you deserve to have a good life. I have read some of your other posting and it sounds like the depression is over riding your life. You have to make your own emotional wellness a priority at this point. It is not weak to seek help for our depression or any other type of brain health disorder. Your mother may have a brain health disorder and if we see it as simply the brain needing medical help, that can take off the stigma. Sending you love and hugs for yourself.

Do you have legal responsibility for your mom? Do you have any siblings willing to help on daily basis? Do you have access to resources for daily care giver help?

Your mom has her own house, and lives with you in your place? Or are you living in her house with her?

Details, if you want to private message me, I can give you some directions to look into BEFORE going the nursing home route.

The aging brain brings the physically adult sized human to behaving as a child, toddler. Selfish is natural.

You have to take care of you first, Get your well-being in order on a daily basis. Necessary to bring your calm to the situation and remain calm no matter what is said.

And...stop trying to get her to change her mind-that's a road to no end. They often do not remember having the conversation and it's fresh like first time to them.

Instead, look to the facts and respond with the facts. She does not want to take care of herself, then take her to doctor. She does not want to see doctor, specify exactly what you want her to do as a task. Keep it simple, clear, and short.

Dementia is hard to see until you take the step back. stop, pause, breathe, observe the action. Once I stopped looking at this person as mom, and instead as a person who needs help, it got easier to maintain calm.

Write out the changes that would happen if you put mom in nursing home. This will help you process the feelings and give you closure on the changes.

For us, nursing home is not a good financial option. And, I'm well aware that mom wants to be in her home, die in her home, and be independent, no matter what. I'm willing to do whatever it takes to give her that and my siblings agree that as I'm being responsible about all of it legally, it's the best option as long as we can do it.

I do take an evening meal (small plate or bowl) over to her, when the sundowner is often happening.

Mom repeats the same question over and over when things are different from her routine. She does not cook much. She has a hard time finding things. I change my answer and do this without saying she is repeating. (that just brings more embarrassment and difficult behavior) I help her look for the missing item(s) and let her actually find them - which brings her joy. The cooking - she uses the microwave and that works for the moment.

Love and Hugs to you!

I am sorry for the difficult dilemma you are having. I give you credit for taking care of her for 4 years. You are a good. daughter. I would suggest you look up Dr Les Carter in you tube. He may give you some helpful ideas of how to deal with a narcissistic p ersonality. Also, Childrenof the Self absorbed by Nina W Brown is a good book. It sounds like you realize your ok and her behavior is not your fault. My mom is narcissistic also and 96. My story is slightly different. But I get you feel it would kill her to go in assisted living. I feel the same about my Mom. A psychologist suggested to me she could be put in protective services for herself
I coukdn't do that. My mom gave my cousin medical and financial power of attorney. We had a family meeting a week ago. She decided we were all in agreement she should be in a facility. However, she didn't ask my opinion ahead of time. I had offered s previously and she said my.2 nnieces and her agreed she should be in a facility. So at family meeting I let her take over. Than I lost it. I am fed up with my family too and my Mom. Your zm9. Is li MJ e Mom she is unable to come to terms with herself and is a crazy maker.. my cousin. Is very difficult too. I realized I was out numbered so so was going to just let it be. I can't.
If your power of attorney you can make most of the decisions I. Your family.

Have you considered hiring a home health aid to give you some coping help. If money is an issue the dept of aging can help you.

Also, you are depressed I get it. I don't know what to day a out that, because I am too.

I pray you will make wise decisions and will be lifted up from depression

Thank you guys. I'm still working on it. I appreciate all the replies and understanding.

How are you doing, Anna212?

i'm not doing very well. thanks for checking. just too much going on. but i'm still trying. thank you for all your support and excellent advice and resources