Caring For Aging Parents Support Group
Caring for aging parents can be a difficul time as we become the caretakers for our parents. This broad responsibility can encompass such services as assisted living, adult day care, long term care, nursing homes, hospice care, and in-home care. Whether you have just started caring for your parents or just need a place to talk, we're here.
Hi! I am new to the group. I have recently moved in with my mother who has some health issues that have been slowing her down, and she needs me to help her out.
Since I have been here, she went to a pulminologist about a growth on her lungs. The doctor would like her to get a biopsy, but her attitude is why bother, we know what they're going to say, and she lights up a cigarette.
How do I deal with a loved one that is not finding out the facts before coming to conclusions & continuing to smoke when there is a growth in the lungs?
Since I have been here, she went to a pulminologist about a growth on her lungs. The doctor would like her to get a biopsy, but her attitude is why bother, we know what they're going to say, and she lights up a cigarette.
How do I deal with a loved one that is not finding out the facts before coming to conclusions & continuing to smoke when there is a growth in the lungs?
What I would do is talk to her about her wishes, in detail. Something like "ok mom you don't want to have a biopsy. You know this could be cancer. That will mean in time that you will get sick. When that happens what treatments do you want or not want?" Does she have a health care proxy stating if she wants life support? And a dnr? All this should be done with a lawyer considering that she seems to want to refuse care.
You also might suggest talking to the doctor again. Ask him what might happen if she doesn't have the biopsy. What might the progress be! He can only guess but he can give you some good info. Mom might reconsider. She also might be afraid of the biopsy...ask her.
I do think you should talk to her and make sure she "has her affairs in order"..............so when and if the times comes, you're both on the same page:):)
best of luck to you and your mom:):):)
I can say from experience that chemo, surgery, "fighting" cancer is a serious struggle. Once on that path, doctors tend to forget everything but extending life another 6 months, three weeks, 15 days.....
They can replace body parts with so much plastic these days and keep the body alive. But they forget that actual living stops at some point.
The patient needs strong people around who are willing to help with making the choice to actually stop these treatments once they are started.
Some medicals, some family will guilt the patient into continuing well beyond the patients ability to continue.
Not everyone wants to start down that path.
Did not get to edit!!!
But think about if you can actually be there 24/7 with her to help and then be willing to let go when she is exhausted. Real soul searching will help you to help your mom the best that you can now.
If she does not want treatment or even to know, you may have to simply accept that as her choice.
Read up on greiving. Too many people told me that I had no right to be sad because I knew for many months that mom was dying. Thanfully, I knew that was a bunch of BS and ignored them. Do this for you so you allow yourself to grieve in the way that you need.
Thanks for your reply. My mother is 81. I am living in the same house with my mother, and am with her almost all the time except I go to the gym for a few hours, or do chores for Mom or myself. If I go out, I call & check in to make sure she is okay. We decide what to have for dinner, and I prepare it for us, she is not up to that.
I am from Washington State and am with Mom in New Jersey, its also where I grew up & went to school. I plan to stay with Mom as long as she needs me.
Do you know any books on grieving?
Is it common for an aging parent who finds out that they have a serious illness to become depressed? Sunday Mom seemed to sleep on & off most of the day, and all evening. Is that depression?
A "biopsy" is a very invasive procedure......and old school rumor has (may or may not be true) ......that doing sumptin like that opens ya up to "letting the "bug" take over..
At 81...........even if they found sumptin............what would they do??? "Fix it" with sumptin, like Bunny says in post #6???...............and then , what is the quality of life left???
I think your mom does know the FACTS..............and has made HER decision...........and now ya just gotta be there for her and give her your support:):):)
There is a grieving group here, they helped me a LOT after my sister passed unexpectedly. I see nothing wrong with talking to them before the fact. They can share experiences with you about how they managed the grief process, perhaps you can spot issues you are having that somebody there has already passed through and can help you with.
Gentle hugs to ALL of us
In less than three months he was gone. Some of the grieving was done during that time. There was no doubt that he didn't have long. But there is also a part of grieving that can only happen afterward.
My advice is to help mom live what is left of her life. Be happy and. Make great memories.
I do not like the smoking because of the eye irritation & because I have Sleep Apnea & a low Oxygen level. If that's what she wants to do, all I ask is please go outside.
check out the link above as a start about the grieving issues.
I have to agree with the smoke outside.