Welcome Ann, you found a great place. Sounds like your parents made it to a ripe old age with few problems. That is a huge achievement.

A few thoughts for you to consider. My favorite is independent living apartments. They are springing up all over and very affordable. They provide restaurant style meals so 90% of food prep is taken care of. Also some basic cleaning and transportation. Most are associated with Assisted Living homes so if that becomes necessary your parents can be near each other or even together.

You need to consider what your parents are going through. It's common for kids to come storming into their lives thinking to take over. We treat our parents like children, forgetting that they are adults who need some assistance. Our job is to help them live the way they want to live, not the way we want them to live.

Also imagine how you will feel in another 30 years when you realize that you are nearing the end of your life. It's scary!! And then to have everyone telling you what to do is outrageous. So try to put yourself in your parents place.

Also remember that we all have a time when our lives will end. Your parents have both reached a very respectable age. You don't mention any other health issues which makes them extremely lucky. As we age dementia and falls are a common problem. We can't wrap our parents up in bubble wrap to keep them safe. So often we have to bite our tongues and wait for the next phone call about something that happened. Quality of life is more important than quantity of life.

You and your siblings should get together for a cup of coffee to talk about your feelings. Talk about what you feel your parents would want, remember not what you want but what they want. Then figure out what can be done to fulfill their wishes.

And be patient. There is no rush. Your mom needs time to see if the meds work and if they need adjusting. I've never heard of a nervous breakdown in someone her age. How diagnosed that? I would think a psychiatrist and neurologist should be a team for something like that at her age. There are many medical conditions that are misdiagnosed.

thank you so much for responding and being so insightful. yes, we have been blessed with having both our parents alive and relatively healthy, my dad still helps out on the senior van. I didn't mean to come across as wanting it done my way or that I am sick of helping, it is just very hard with my mother, all through her life, to try and talk wih her and to not feel like she has to do everything. getting the 3 of us toughter is a good idea as long as it doesn't blow up, which could very likely happen. as far as the nervous breakdown, my sister and I went over about 1 month ago and did an intervention of sorts. mom was very bad, depressed and extrememly anxious, barely making it, losing weight, she was just a shell of herself. we knew something had to be done and we called her doctor who said she was having a nervous breakdown and get to the ER asap. she did see hospital pshcy. and they gave her anti depressants, both of which had bad side effect. upon leaving she had an appt. on the outside and right now is on Effexor which is doing ok, it just takes time. my sister and I think there is more going on and she needs to be seen by another doctor, my mom knows this. they would never move to assited living, they don't have the financial means, we live in upstate n.y. where everything is very expensive. so we are taking turns with the food. I know they are at the end of their lives but I cant thin about it, it makes me so sad. thanks again!

You might be surprised to find out how affordable it can be. This is one example and I know there are many more out there. http://www.seniorlifestyle.com/property/castle-pointe-baywinde/#map-and-directions?page=1&q=NY

To compare costs you need to add up what it costs your parents to live in their house. Taxes, mortgage, utilities, insurance, repairs and maintenance. Then add in 75% of what they spend on food.

I think the first thing you really need to do is get mom to another doctor. There is no way they are accurately diagnosing depression from one or two visits with a psychiatrist and the doctor telling you on the phone she is depressed should be ashamed of himself. Yes mom needs help but throwing around labels does not help. They need to run a full battery of tests to rule out things like cancer, heart problems and dementia. The symptoms are all the same from the outside. Remember women tend to be very reserved about their own health. They don't like to tell anyone that there is a problem.

For your own well-being you should be talking to a therapist. Losing a parent is very difficult but it is something we all have to deal with at some point. Preparing yourself now will free you mentally to be there for them when you need them.

welcome i can relate-my 93 y.o. mom lives with us now and i have major depressive disorder -which is now :crippling" me.What i mean is nothing has been this hard ie;seeing my precious mom decline daily...im so sad yet try to hide it and be strong for her

I had learned new things too from Tigg2 reply. Need to give you a hug and thanks Tigg2!

If you are worried about a meeting with your siblings getting out of hand, it might be best to set a limit about what will be discussed and/or how long you will talk. If everybody goes into that meeting expecting to get EVERY DETAIL RESOLED, then of course it will break down. But if you all go into it knowing that it will take several such meetings to get a good plan in place, then it is likely to go more smoothly.

And let me agree completely with Tigg, it is what our parents want, not what we want them to want that counts. True there will be times when we have to go with our opinions over their stated wants, but I think those times are less frequent than we believe them to be.

Hugs and welcome to the group!