Caregivers Support Group

A voluntary caregiver is a spouse, relative, friend or neighbor of a disabled person or child who assists with activities of daily living and assists those unable to fully take care of themselves. The challenges of a caregiver are unique and sometimes it's hard to find people to talk to who know what you're going through. Join the conversation and find others who...

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remembering

annewinnie
annewinnie
my wife is just getting sicker and weaker every day. her depresion is getting worse. and i just cant help sometimes thinking back to all the reasons i fell in love with her in the first place. and most of those reasons are gone now.
not that i would leave her but i cant help but remember.
i have come from a deep dark abusive past and i remmeber when she would put her arms around me the strength of her body just made me feel safe instead of trapped for the first time. i remember her spirit. she was so full of life. she was confident and knew exactly what she wanted out of life and how to get it and wouldnt let anything get in her way.
the little things she would do every day just so i always knew she loved me.
now she is just a sick weak old woman who has given up on life.
part of me misses the old her for my own selfish reasons but i also miss the old her because i know this new woman is not my wife.
i cant blame her for giving up on life after all she has been through but i am also a little angry with her.is that right? do i have a right to be angry at her because she choose something for her self?
i just want my wife back. is that selfish to say?
MelodyJane
MelodyJane
No, not selfish at all.
It's a human thing to say, want & feel. After all we are only human.
I do not know how heavy your heart is. I can only offer love & support.
Hugs, MelodyJane
KiddoGal
KiddoGal
No not selfish at all. Next month my husband and I will be celebrating our 24th anniversary. We were not even married 5 years when his health started to decline. Before he got sick, we did so many things together, went places, traveled, had a wonderful circle of friends. All that changed in 1995 with his first bout of congestive heart failure. His personality also changed a lot over the years. He is nowhere near the same person I married. Now he is short tempered, cusses a lot, extremely negative, etc. He has done things that have deteriorated the way I feel about him. His health gets worse every year so in some ways I can understand why he is the person he is. It has not been easy being a caregiver (at first a few duties to now a major caregiver) for 19 of the 24 years we have been married. I totally understand where you are coming from.
deenamom
deenamom
Not selfish at all. You are in a place where you need to grieve what was lost and also grieve what can no longer be. You grieve for what could have been and wasn't, for could have been now and can't and what could have been in the future and can't. That is a LOT of grieving. I believe that, as you allow yourself to grieve over those things, you will find yourself able to allow the anger to slip away. It also might help if you can remember that she is most likely (assuredly?) grieving those same things from her perspective.

Hugs and love,
Deena
Phoebesfriend
Phoebesfriend
Very good feedback here. I just want to add that I too grieve for the spouse I married, not the shell of the man I care for today. It's hard for outsiders to understand, they think because we are not "widowed" we still have our spouse.......but we don't ! It's actually worse than if they passed. At least then we wouldn't be forced to watch them fade from us slowly but surely.

Hang in there anne ! Know your fellow caregivers understand and are here for you !!

Hugs, Phoebe
annewinnie
annewinnie
thank you all for your kind words.i never thought of it as a grieving process but i guess it really is.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Long drawn out illnesses cause us to start grieving while the person is still alive. My parents had/have dementia. By the time my dad passed I had almost completed grieving. We were able to share the funny stories and happy times instead of tears and upset. Same is happening with my mom right now. She is not the mother I knew..in fact she barely remembers us.

Something that is unrelated to caregiving is looking at our own lives and grieving for the things we missed out on or things that have changed. It's what mid-life crises are all about. Some people try to recapture their youth by buying sports cars or having plastic surgery. Others embrace the future and work to make it the best it can be. However you handle it you are not alone in the feelings. Shoulda, woulda, coulda.....