Encourage her daughter to talk to a religious leader,
therapist, social worker, someone that can help her
with her emotions. And hopefully she will be able to accept that
putting her mom in nursing home is best.

I have been a caregiver for many years and now with my parents and it is so stressful. It's why so many caregivers burn out within just a few years, whether they are taking care of their own family or others. The elderly usually want to stay in their own homes. If they can still afford to pay the bills and live at home, why not? There are many caregiving services out there. And there are also independent caregivers that can be hired also.

In Arizona where I live, the agencies usually charge approximately $20 an hour and have a 3 hour minimum. The agency usually makes $10 an hour and the caregiver makes $10 an hour. But if you hire an independent caregiver you may be able to pay less. Some independent caregivers may charge $15 an hour.

In some places they have what they call Foster Elder Care Homes where an individual buys a large home and takes care of a few elderly clients in the home so it's more personal and more of a home setting.

If your grandmother refuses to go into a nursing facility or foster care then maybe you can say something like this....

Grandma, we care about you and would like someone around to take care of you in case of an emergency. You can stay in your home but you and/or I can only afford $.......... for a caregiver so you will be alone in the home for ............. hours a day. Are you okay with that?

She still may want to stay in the home and at that point you cannot worry about her every minute. She is the one making the decision as to stay or go so she will have to deal with the consequences. Some elderly think if they refuse to leave their home, then their family will pick up the slack but they have to understand that you are not able to do this. Eventually they may need full-time care if they break a hip or something else happens. Which means being in the hospital and then rehab.

What I'm saying, it's always best if they make the decision and are not forced into a place. It may take a fall or another accident for them to decide they can no longer stay in their home.

Also there are those medical alerts that they wear around their necks or have close by so they can press the button and an ambulance will come.

We have to be able to put ourselves in their shoes. None of us want to go to a nursing home. I can see when I get older, I would be fine staying at home by myself, even if that means I have a potential of dying there. I may have an accident or even starve to death, but at least I am at home. Sounds crazy but think about those nursing homes and how everyone is just drugged up and sitting around waiting to die. It's depressing. Also I have heard cases that once people are admitted to those places they don't live very long because they become very depressed.

You cannot feel guilty about not being able to watch grandmother 24/7 because you have a life too and I know how draining it is to take care of the elderly.

I hope that this all makes sense and helps.

Solid advice. Nursing homes are somewhat based on money. The more you have the better the facility and vice a versa. Sadly a nursing home will be inevitable because of human issues. If you can keep her at home without jeopardizing her safety then that is the kind and humane situation. Respect and dignity. If that is not the possible scenario then you need to look at all your options knowing that reaching a decision will be difficult. You are no good to her or yourself if the stress and anxiety of the situation controls you. It's a tough call. Bless you and good luck.

thank you all for your answers. My aunt is her primary caregiver... long story short I believe she is dealing with some mental health issues and keeps threatening to leave my grandmother alone. she is unable to stay alone, she is bedbound for the most part and is extremely unsafe standing. I don't want to cause strife between family members but I am to the point that I think I maybe should call adult protective services. I have offered several times to help find a facility and her daughter, who has power of attorney, is unwilling to place her when it comes right down to it. I cannot continue with this level of stress. It is causing marital problems and problems with my job and life in general. I just do not know what to do at this point.

I also want to mention that my aunt keeps trying to "guilt" me into feeling like this is my responsibility. I have tried to help. But I live several hours away and I work full time and have a home of my own. I am close to just washing my hands of the situation and letting them figure this out on their own but I don't want to do that unless I'm given no other choice but to stop communication with them.

Just a suggestion. Some people like feeling the sense of control. To feel that they are a part of something. The aunt needs to stay on the sidelines. She in no way is helping if she is trying to "guilt" you. I'm no expert, however it sounds like your grandmother has reached a point that requires professional help. It sucks and it may seem judgmental. Not setting her up in a secure and safe environment is risky. Nobody who means anything to you will ever fault you or her daughter for putting her in a safe controlled environment. Quality of life. Ask yourself that question? What is her quality of life? What is the families quality of life? Sometimes doing the right thing isn't the easy thing. I know your trying. Stay strong.

I agree with Greenteam, this is a very diffficult situation. I will pray that God will show you the way.