I believe funerals, wakes etc are for the living, not for the deceased. It's our way of celebrating their life, acknowledging their passing, gathering together and paying respects and mourning together too!

While I agree very much with what your Mother thinks of all of these rituals and people, cemetaries etc...I think there's a way to honor her feelings, yet do something meaningful and symbolic to those left behind needing to say their goodbyes.

I truly believe that when we pass, all of this 'stuff' we get so concerned about becomes irrevelent to us. I think we're on our way to bigger and better things while our families are bickering over topics.

You need to consider doing something that is going to give you a sense of respect and closure when the time comes...and your Mother will be extremely touched by the gesture from above. I think your Mother sounds embarrassed over being the center of attention..something you really can't avoid if it's your funeral! I'd placate her in the meantime and when the time does come, do something to honor her life and give you a sense of peace.

It's such a personal decision. I've had mixed thoughts for years..but I know what my mom wants..she believes in the whole 3 day ordeal.

How about a memorial service a while after a private burial? You can keep it light, devoted to her life, not the passing.

The songs I am burning are not normal funeral songs, they are reflections of my mom's life, some are happy, some not so happy, but still indicative of what I want people to remember about her. She isn't in on any of this. She wont talk about such things...I can only do it because I make myself numb..I can't focus on what I'm actually doing. Good luck hon, it's a very tough job, but somebody has to do it. I don't mean to make light of it, but truthfully, it just fits. xoxo Melody

I agree with Mac22 that funerals are for those left behind as well as for the deceased.

My Mum died suddenly when I was 18 and we played this song at her funeral. Gosh it was awful, she was my best friend and I'm still mad at her for taking off like that. I see her often in my dreams though and we still do the things we used too together.

Mum
PRINCE TUI TEKA

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1SL4SezIYCk&feature=related

I've ask a neighbor to sing Ave Maria at her funural when the time comes. I know it's kinda tradicional,but still a lovely song.

I noticed lately at funerals & memorial services that the family puts together a slide show with music in the background. Sort of a way to show good memories of the deceased that she had with relatives, friends, pets... I thought it was a nice touch to ease the pain of their loss..reminacing with others that attend.

I understand your mothers wishes. Does she have a special place she wants her ashes distributed? The family can gather on that day just to pay respects then go their separate ways. Just a thought.

My husband, Jim, left this world almost 3 weeks ago. He and I had moved to California about 5 years ago. Since most of his family was still in the NY area, he wanted to be cremated and told me he did not want to waste money on shipping his body back East. He told me he wanted to be "here" with me in CA.

Well, when he passed his 2 children and his brother flew here to CA. We had a very simple viewing and a bereavement dinner with his children, brother and my two sisters and brothers in law.

It all seemed okay and I thought that it was going to be okay with everyone in his family. We are planning to have another type of memorial in the Spring on the East Coast.

Now it seems like some in the family want a very elaborate tomb stone for the cremation burial plot. It is totally getting away from Jim's wishes -- to keep things simple and not waste money on such.

I also told Jim he would be here with me. However, I told his son he could have Jim's ashes buried back east. I don't believe Jim is his ashes. His spirit is still here with me, no matter where his ashes are or will be buried.

Please, let the family know exactly what you want done. Let them know, if you have time and are able to express your feelings, how you feel about expensive burials, tomb stones, etc. This will save a lot of heart ache.

I was in the funeral business for several years. The firm I worked for believed what I believe is the reason I worked for them for so long. It is very important for people left behind for them to have an opportunity to get together with family and friends to join in the person passing on and that does not have to be at a funeral home. To many people make decisions on what the person that died wanted. Well if that is really what they want they should put it in writing. I first got in to the funeral business by doing pre arrangements and believe me, when a living person has the guts to put thier wishes on paper without pressure from their loved ones I heard a lot of different things what a person really wanted done and what they may have said from time to time. The last thing you want to do is to do what Mom or Dad wanted because it may just may cause more problems that anyone can imagine. The important thing for you to do it meet with a funeral home that you have dealt with and talk to someone about your concerns. You do not need your Mom's permission to do that, you are only wanting to know what can be done at the time. Go to the professionals to get the answers for any questions you may have. IF you put this off unitl the time of need, it can at times, cause a lot more problems than you can imagine. On the other hand maybe no body does really care what happens and no matter what is decided it will be fine. I just never understood what people leave this up to waiting until the time comes because it is lasting memories of what you can do in memory of your Mom and it will stay with you for a long time. God Bless Phil & Flops

my mother passed 12 years ago from a massive heart attack, my father decided to not have services, funeral, or anything in the paper. we had planned for a large anniversary party before she passed. she passed on their 47th ann..
i am the one who called everyone to let them know and to let them know there was no services. i excepted my fathers decision, and knew my mother would have been fine with it.
when my time comes i hope everyone goes by my decisions on what to do. it is my body and it will be my decision on what to do after.
for me a funeral does not show closure, the only thing that can do that is me.
as time gets closer for my father instead of thinking about what to do when he is gone, i work on today and what will make him happy,
many many hugs Tarri

I'm sorry, I guess I didn't properly read your post, your mom doesn't want a memorial service either, sorry kiddo, didn't catch that.

I guess you just have to do what she wants. I think you may regret it if you go against her wishes. No, you don't treat it as just another day, but if she wants to be cremated, you can just see her before that happens, keep her remains in your home or near you somehow. It's funny, you feel you will need something for yourself to get through it, I actually wish my mom did not want any service. I hate wakes, I hate the 3 days of "torture" the family goes through at the fh those days and nights. I wish I could just do something private for family for one day only and the burial, and then begin the process of grief. I just think 3 days of fh and people and standing near the deceased is just horrible and archaic, but that's what she wants. When I go? I want none of that ...if people cant see me while I'm on this earth, don't bother to come see my dead body, I wont know you're there anyway.
Cold?? I hope it doesn't seem that way, I just want to make it easy on my kids and family, they don't need to torture themselves, it's just silly to me.
Hope you're doing better hon, xoxo

I don't like funerals or cemetaries either and for the exact same reasons as your Mom. The only problem is closure. Your closure. Your relatives should know now how your Mom feels and not put pressure on you or anyone else to do things any differently than how your Mom wants.

I believe in honoring my parents' wishes. I did for Daddy and I will do the same for Mom. I would want that done for me. I did not find closure at Daddy's Memorial service. It has taken over a year and I still struggle, especially during the holidays. I made a Memorial Website for my Dad and that helped. I wrote out the story of his last year in my journal here and that helped. I wrote his eulogy. I read books and I cried a lot.

There are many ways to honor your Mom without going against her wishes. Believe me, there is absolutely NO way to pretend its like any other day and there is no special event that will help you get over or through it. It's a daily struggle and life will always be different. There is NO preparing.

Just really love each other and enjoy each and every day you have together now. Kim

Thank you everyone for your replies...I guess its some thing I have a little more time to think about. Its true that I don't want a big elaborate 3 day thing either...I just worry about my imediate family. My parents are not all that religious anymore and thats ok but I just feel weird not doing anything. Plus, my father is really upset at my brothers so I don't veen know if I see him doing anything for just our family. I don't see him wanting to have any kind of mermorial service either..and I guess I know it wont really provide any closure beause I know I am just going to be destroyed when the time comes anyays...maybe I just feel like my mother deserves more even if she doesn't think so or doesn't want it...I don't know...its just hard not knowing what to expect...or if anything will be done.. But its not really my choice so I don't really know what else I can do.

I hear you about knowing your mom deserves more...I feel that way about my mom. And when my dad passed away, I was way too emotional for a very long time to do anything other than go through the motions, funeral, wake, etc. But then this feeling of I need to do MORE kicked in...he needs to be remembered, people need to know he is special and so, so loved. So, although he is buried 30 miles away, there is never a time he doesn't have something special on his gravesite..it's never empty. I want others to know he is loved and remembered. It's been 18 years this month. It also might be a nice idea to have a tree planted in her name at the cemetary or in your town, we have a small town square where trees are planted and a plate on the ground says who it is planted for, or ..like Kimmie did, a website to honor your mom.
Good luck hon, take it easy and enjoy what you can about today...xo

This may help you spiritually, a prayer I use to get me though my days.

Lord, I need Your help even to see the needs of people around me and then to know how to care for them. Give me a heart of Compassion like Yours and opportunities to express Your Love.
How can I best serve Thee - Thy will (not mine) be done.

I hope noone take offence to this but sometimes the mind & what you feel in your heart needs some spiritual healing. I have enjoyed reading this post & everyones suggestions & opinions. Take care & God bless!

Thank you John...

My sympathy's out to you and your family. I have the same outlook as your mom when I depart. Though, I know those will need closure, I have had made my services/funeral plans ahead of time.

Not a wake or memorial is set. As a final wish and closure for those. A, "Aloha Gathering", or "Care Gathering" (however, you may want to call it, is set. A picnic at the beach; whatever good reflections and music to hear. Spreading of ashes.

Here's a song, (below) that I love to both parents and children. It may or may not pertain, but it's a song I'ld like to share.
Good luck on your decision.

http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&VideoID=17622079