Caregivers Support Group

A voluntary caregiver is a spouse, relative, friend or neighbor of a disabled person or child who assists with activities of daily living and assists those unable to fully take care of themselves. The challenges of a caregiver are unique and sometimes it's hard to find people to talk to who know what you're going through. Join the conversation and find others who...

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Anxiety Issues

KiddoGal
KiddoGal
My husband has a ton of medical issues ranging from COPD/emphysema, on dialysis, eyesight is poor, etc. He has anxiety a LOT!!! Almost every day. He has always been a talker and talking alot seems to help him forget or stall his anxiety for the moment. However, because I am still active and much younger than him, and I have to run our business, I cannot always be at home sitting next to him listening to him talk. Now i don't mean he talks a bit, he could talk so much and for so long it would drive a bulldog off a meat wagon. Not trying to sound mean, but this is the truth. So yesterday we were together ALL day, from morning till night. We had breakfast together, then drove in the car for an hour and half, then visited people for the next two hours. Then we drove back to our town and had dinner out. Then after we got home, I sat with him for the next three hours watching TV. Then I helped get him to bed and went to my room to sleep ( I sleep in another room due to all his medical issues, etc.) As he is getting into bed he starts to have anxiety and wants me to stay with him which I do and talk to him for a while. Then I finally get to bed after 10 pm. This morning he calls me while I am at the office and tells me that the reason he gets anxiety is because I am never with him to where we can just sit and talk. Honest to God, he talks to me ALL day long when I am with him. I am not a talker, but I sit and listen to him talk to me. It is like he cannot be left alone without someone being with him all the time. It is really driving me nuts. I can't quit working because we have to have money to live and I can't afford to retire! I can't stop doing some fun things because I still need to have some resemblence of a normal life. I know why he sometimes has anxiety - poor eyesight makes him worry, and if he loses his breath he gets anxious. But he says i need to be with him more and just spend time talking. I am with him most days at least a good part of the time. I no longer work an eight hour day. I usually go into the office in the morning am home by 2 pm. Half the morning he is in bed anyway, but it's like I have to be by his side all the time. It is driving me nuts - he freaks when I decide to get on the computer at home even though it is just 10 feet away from him! This is driving me batty. He takes anxiety meds....short of hiring someone to come sit with him during the day (which I cannot afford) so I can have some freedom, I just do not know what to do. thanks for listening....sorry to ramble, just needed to vent. If anyone else has this same situation let me know.
pd2012
pd2012
This is a hard one.. I know you want to spend time with him but you can't be the sole source of his entertainment either. Everyone needs their own space once in awhile. I don't know that I'll ever retire because I don't want to be home all day long with my husband. He's my very best friend but we both need our own space.

My mother gave in to my father's attention needs for many years. Eventually, it caused major problems for her whenever she wanted to leave the house. He demanded all her time every minute of the day.

Does he have any interests? If he had a chat forum to get involved with, he may focus his attention there?
KiddoGal
KiddoGal
Yes, I admit, if I was home all day 24/7 around my husband I would go nuts. He is nearly blind, so he cannot see well enough to use a computer or drive. He cannot walk well, so walking anywhere is out of the question. Sadly, most of the old friends he once had, have passed on. He's pretty much tied to oxygen. So when he is home alone, he can listen to books or the television. He can still get around well enough to at least dress himself, make himself some cereal, and watch TV - but it is blurry to him. I know this is tough on him, but I cannot lose ALL my freedom, what I have left is very little. And I know that sometime within the next 1-3 years he probably is going to need to have me home with him all the time or pay for inhome care due to his declining health. We have a grandson who lives with us who helps out on the weekends, but he is working full time during the week. I am just worn out, need a normal life. (don't we all?)
ajm1959
ajm1959
vent vent vent!!!! It's really ok, and believe it or not venting helps me, it lets me know I'm NORMAL. My husbands wants me around too. He doesn't want others only me. I get so tired of the negative statements he makes about everyone. He wants me "join" in on his word war and hates of this and that. I won't. I am normally a happy person and I take people at face value. I don't think they are "out to get me" like he does. One thing a friend told me that sticks in my mind so often. She was married (before he died) to a needy, unappreciative, somewhat abusive man.

Her statement was as follows: " the only TRUE vacation I ever had was twice when I was sent to the hospital by ambulance"

Now that's a thought. Sad, but I find myself so close to that. I'm planning to see my daughter in few days in seattle, the work I have to do before I go and arrangements I have to make wow!!!. I'm already tired. when I get there, he will call so often. if I don't answer i'll get his anger full force. So my friend's statement huh? that would be a real vacation - just my thoughts. hugs- Arlene
KiddoGal
KiddoGal
OMG AJM1959, we must be married to the same man!!!! lol....yeah, wondering how I keep my sense of humor. Mine also has hate wars, complains about everything, and I try to go with the flow. On top of everything, I am getting a cold and sore throat, and not feeling good today. Yeah, needed to vent. Tired of all this, but I keep going on. Have fun in Seattle, would love to stow away on your trip - my son and wife and grandkids live about 20 miles from Seattle.
gramybear
gramybear
Please vent away. That is what we are here for, to try and support and help you. Your husband sounds like my best friend and neighbor, Tom who lives right next door. We walk our dogs together 2 to 3 times a day and he takes me places as I don't drive. But this man can TALK!! Within a minute, he can repeat the exact same thing, over and over. He doesn't know when to stop. I have to make really sure that he is done for a minute so I can get my two cents in. Having to live with someone like that would be very tiring I would think. I am either talking too much or not at all. Is his COPD really bad? My mother suffers from that as well and I have my own health issues. She is always wanting me to sit on her bed and talk to her. First of all, it hurts my back just to sit there like that, and secondly, we have nothing to talk about! Her room is right next to mine, it's not like she lives miles away. When I bought my Mobile Home, I moved her in with me. If I try to shut my bedroom door which I like to do, she gets upset and says she feels lonely, so I have to leave it open until she goes to bed. I really wish I had an answer for your dilemma. Feel free to message me and we can share stories about what this does to us. I truly understand!! Hugs GB
HCARD
HCARD
Kiddo and ajm 1959 that's my husband. The world is I out to get him, everyone is stupid and he has all the answers. Worse he wants to tell me this over and over. He also has many health issues, and wanted me within ten feet or he would start calling for me. I had to stop it or I would need a caretaker. I finally had to say I disagree and I don't want to hear it. If he continued I went to my room. I didn't think he could stop since he also has dementia. Lo and behold, he stopped. I now can spend more time with him instead of getting to the point where I wanted to avoid him.
KiddoGal
KiddoGal
HCARD - it's enough to drive one crazy......yesterday he started getting anxiety because I let go of his hand (was sitting with him watching TV) because I had to go make his snack for dialysis. He got all upset that I left him to go into the kitchen. It's so bad anymore. We saw the doctor a few days ago and the doctor said he could take up to two Xanax in a 24 hour period, one during the day, and one at night. My husband did not want to take a Xanax all day yesterday and had a full blown anxiety attack at dialysis. He had already forgotten that the doctor said it was OK to take two a day if needed. Truth is, I doubt he even listened to the doctor. I believe my husband has ADD but that's another whole chapter. He's constantly clinging to me and I feel like I am being suffocated.