Hello - I can relate to what you are going thru. I married my husband back in 1995. Everything was pretty darn good, until less than 4 years into our marriage, he developed congestive heart failure. Everything went downhill from there, not so much at first, but over the years, more health issues developed. I have been his caregiver for going on almost 19 years now. Sure, not so much at first, but each year the caregiving increased. He went thru a heart transplant, nine eye surgeries, hip replacement, and now, 23 years into our marriage, he is nearly blind, can't walk without cane, walker, or wheelchair, and is now on kidney dialysis. Yes, over the years I did want to leave and have a NORMAL life where I could go on trips, have stress free days, no one to worry about but myself. A lot of things in life have passed me by. I was just 42 when he had his heart transplant and now I am almost 60. I feel like my marriage ended in my 5th year with him, and all I have really been is a caregiver. No sex in at least 15 years. He also needs a ton of help with showering. I get really down at times. I can't just take off and go see my kids who live in another state, (this is my 2nd marriage), I miss my grandkids, and some days I am so sick of this. Actually, most days I just want to cry. How I get thru some days is beyond me!!! I guess this is just my life, and I have become accustomed to it. There is no leaving, and I have to see this thru then end. Ok, now enough about me ranting and raving, I guess it is to let you know you are not alone and definitely can come here to rant, talk, get advice, or just a shoulder to cry on. Maybe seeking someone professional to talk to or find a support group, OR start trying to do some activities that do relieve your stress. I am able to go do some fun things, as I do have help from a sister and my step grandson. I go play texas holdem tournaments about once a month and do some fun things with my sister or a girlfriend a few times a month. You can't give up on YOUR life, you must be able to have some life of your own. It's definitely hard to balance, and you won't get as much as you should, but remember, you need to take care of yourself. Start by doing some things that get you out once in while, (Oh, I bowl one night a week too). You need to keep your sanity!! ahahaha!!! Hang in there, we are here for you! I have ranted enough. lol

thank u kiddogal for your kind words. yes it is good to know i am not alone. already since joining here i have started to feel a little better.we have no support sysytem. i am it. i am disassociated from my family. there is onlly her mother who is willing to help but the women is in her 70's. i feel guilty asking her to help in any way. i have no friends left. they all left as i have no time for them anymore. same with her friends too. we are so isolated. she is so sensitive about her health that i am afraid to even let her know i need some help. so the online group is perfect because i can finally talk with others that know and undertsand what i am going through and it doesnt take time away from her and she doesnt have to know. i tried once to try to explain to her how stressed i am but she just took it personal like i wanted out and that she was sorry to b a burden and that i should just leave her. so i dont talk to her anymore about how stressed i am. we are still young as we.. i am 37 and she is 49. and things for her just dont look any better. her doctor is saying a wheel chair possibly in 6 months. its just so frustrating. i love her. i feel like she is my soul mate. i just dont know what to do anymore. but thank you so much for your kind words

I, too, have just about come to the end of my rope so know what you are going through. Be assured you are not the only one teetering on the edge but with the help of so many here on this forum you will be able to make adjustments that will at least lessen your discomfort.

It is easy to become angry and depressed but there are ways to cope with the situation. I'd suggest you get the book "The Thirtysix Hour Day" which is specifically written for Alzheimer's patient caregivers but has excellent advise that can be of help for anyone who is (especially) a 24/7 caregiver.

Good luck and Seasons Greetings.

Robert

annewinnie, Welcome....so glad you found this support group ! I think my friends Kiddo & Ro3bert have given you some very good advice. I've been a caregiver almost 3 years now. I am very familiar with the "downward spiral". I wish I could tell you something profound.... I can't. It's difficult , soul crushing, and depressing being a 24/7 caregiver. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

All I can say is use this group and let us help you. We all walk different yet similar paths and understand what you're going thru.

Merry Christmas !

Phoebe :-)

just knowing that i am not alone has brought me such comfort.already so many kind words and already i do feel alot better about this situation. you all have given me the greatest gift this xmas.

Hi, annewinnie- I walk the path as well. My husband was in an accident, he was hit by a truck & had spine surgery. I understand about the frustration with intimacy- that is an issue for us- his spine is now fused with metal rods, so..., well, you get it. I had a hysterectomy plus more of my female parts removed, so I am not a whole woman in that sense, either.
Your wife is angry & lashing out because she had (in a sense) her dignity taken from her, her freedoms to move about like the rest of the world. That's why she's unable to talk about it now. She must come to a place of acceptance, (and so do YOU); then she'll be ready to talk about "stuff".
That little "For Better or Worse" clause in your marriage vows? This is what "For Better or Worse" means!
At least you have your health. Just a few months ago, I, my husband's caregiver, had a GrandMal Seizure & crushed 4 bones in my spine. I hurt like hell, still to this day & will for a long, long time. I have to do the best I can... And, hubby is coping with my injury the best he can. We are isolated- we live in a very rural area in upstate New York & have no family around. We have a few friends in the area who check in on us, one friend has been cooking for me because I cannot stand on my feet for more than 15 minutes without crying.
Use this forum for advice on how to cope with your caregiving duties & on how to access resources for respite time for you. Do you go to church or synagogue? Reach out to your community, reach out to your state agencies. You are able to get on the computer, making research easier.
You are in the right place, annewinnie- you will find many friends here!
Best wishes, MelodyJane